Needy? separation anxiety from ex

[Elle_gross]

So about a few months ago me and my ex broke up because we both weren’t ready for a relationship. I couldn’t handle my emotions well and there was often miscommunication from his side. Right now we still have feelings for each other but decide to focus on ourselves. We talked about waiting for each other but decided it was best to just go with the flow because it’s more fair and he wasn’t ready for commitment. We both agree that when we graduate from high school if we still happen to have feelings for each other we will try again which is in two years. Soooo long. I’ve opened up to him about my anxiety and he’s understood and listened but overtime he says it became a bit irritating cuz I keep relying on him to much it drains his energy and he is doing work most of the time I open up. Now when I try to open up he isn’t as empathetic as before (he is much more understanding irl tho). I can’t open up to my parents because they don’t want me to talk to him because they think he did something bad because all the miscommunication. So we can barely hangout and only privately. I’m always so anxious that we will slowly grow apart and he will lose feelings for me. He isn’t a good texter and he barely starts conversations which makes me soooo anxious. I am afraid of the future if this persists and we slowly just stop talking and lose the connection we have. How can I focus on myself if this is bothering me so much. I don’t know what I should do.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Elle gross,

Welcome to the BB Forums. Really glad that you were able to post your story here.

Sorry to hear about your break up and anxiety. Break up really sucks, and even though the break up sounded mutual because the both of you felt it wasn't the right time yet, it's not easy to completely discard all feelings that comes from a break up. It's really sweet to hear that you both had agreed to try again if you both still feel that there's a connection between you two after you graduate high school. I'll be rooting for the both of you.

Focusing on yourself means, understanding how to live comfortably with oneself. This can be achieved through loving yourself first before you love others, believe and trust in yourself, and do whatever it takes to meet your own needs. You can try doing things that you couldn't do when you were dating, or continue doing things that brings you happiness and joy, or discover new things that could potentially spark new passion in your life. Learn to take care of yourself, your health, your wellbeing, and put yourself as priority first before you can care for others.

I can understand the fear of losing someone after break up, fearing that they will eventually lose feelings for us, and will be gone from our lives. What I learned was, people come and go in our lives. Life presents us these kind of experiences as a way to teach us to better ourselves. We can't tell what the future may be like, perhaps we might cross paths with the people who we've lost, or we might come across someone else who's better and more fitting to us. Until that time comes, we can only focus on ourselves first to better ourselves, so when that time comes, we'll be able to handle it better.

I feel it is best if you could go No Contact with your ex. It's great to hear that he was able to be empathetic about your anxiety, but he too needs time to heal from the break up, and any further contact may just cause confusion between the two of you. The space created from No-Contact between you two would tremendously help each other to heal and better yourselves for the future.

You could consider speaking to your GP to seek professional help about your anxiety. Or is there someone else in your social group who you could speak to safely? You could also contact the Beyond Blues Hotline at 1300 22 4636, and they'll be able to point you to the right direction. I'm also happy to listen to you if you'd like to share more about your anxious thoughts.

Jt

[Sophie_M]

Hi Elle gross, 

This sounds really tricky. It sounds like you've been a really strong communicator, and are being proactive in managing your relationships and your anxiety. Please remember that you can call Beyond Blue at any time you need to talk things through on 1300 22 4636, or you can use our webchat or email.

We're really glad you could share here with our community, who are here to listen,share and offer their kind support. In the meantime, we'd recommend having a look at the Young People section of our forums, and the Relationship and Family Issues section, where you might find experiences and advice from other posters that is relevant to you.

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

 

[Elle_gross]

Hi! Thank you so much

after the break up we did go into no contact for about two months. However, I still can’t seem to stop being anxious about it because I really don’t know what to do with “us” at the moment. Should I stop texting and hanging out with him? Or should I only talk to him when I need to? This scares me because I feel as if the connection will be lost. He has asked me to be his “date” for a formal as well. Im not sure how to respond. Especially with COVID at the moment the distance is scaring me.

[Isabella_]

Hey Elle,

It's really tricky and confusing when you break up with someone knowing it's for the best, but the feelings you both have for each other are still there.

I think it's really important for you to keep your distance, even if it seems difficult. If you can get to a place where you aren't relying on him so heavily for emotional support, then you guys will be able to grow independently, and if you guys are right for each other then you will work out in the end.

It's so important to have a support system around you especially after a breakup.. since they really do become your number one for that. You mentioned you can't open up to your family.. do you have close friends that you can open up to?

I know you're anxious that you guys are going to grow apart. But sometimes, you have to be apart from one another for a bit before you can get back together, and that's completely okay.

Try to fixate on something else, whether it's your studies, focusing on your friendships, any hobbies you have or want to pick up. After a while you'll become more independent, which means you're able to stand strong and take care of yourself without having to rely so heavily on a guy.

I hope I've helped in some way. Take care 🙂

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Elle,

Just wanted to highlight Isabella_'s comments, as they are really useful for your current situation.
If you feel you need more time and space away from him to process your feelings and grief, don't be afraid to let him know about it. Continue keeping your distance until you're at a point where you can live on without him. You can inform him that you appreciate the invite, but you need some more space and time to heal from the break up, and would appreciate if he could find someone else and respect your decision to continue with the No-Contact rule.

The anxiousness is a natural thing, because people react positively to good things, and when something good is about to disappear, we cling on to it and not wanting to ever let it go. The longer we cling onto it, the more it'll hurt us as well as the thing that we're clinging on to. When we truly love someone or something, we learn to let go of them because we want what's best for them. We enjoy and appreciate the time together with them, as well as accept the departure and goodbyes in hoping that their journey would be a better one than what you had before. The both of you had mutually broken up because you felt the timing isn't right for you two. Meaning, the current versions of yourselves isn't what's best for the both of you. So we learn to let go and part ways to better ourselves.

It's always sad to hear about a heart break, and how messy the healing process can be. But I can assure you, when you're over the heart break period, what lies ahead will be a better one, whether it's with or without your ex. Take care of yourself Elle. Happy to chat more with you.

Jt

[Elle_gross]

Do you have any tips for coping with all the anxiety?

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Elle,

Healing from a break up and coping with the anxiety is not easy, but it'll get better over time. There's no set time on how long it may take you to get over your break up, but again, I can assure you, you'll make it out of it. This is some of the things I do (and still doing because I feel I need more time to heal from my break up from 4 months ago):

• Go completely No-Contact. Remove your ex from your social media, and block them if they're still crossing your boundaries by messaging/contacting you (it can be hard, and may seem cruel, but it's important to know that you're doing this to defend yourself from any further hurt. It's not a sign of selfishness or cruelty, but a sign of emotional maturity and self-love).
• Preserve the good times. Remember that you were once loved, and now you have to walk the solo path to better yourself. But a relationship will return again when the time comes.
• Talk to your friends and family. Doesn't have to be everyone, but just someone you can talk to openly, who won't judge you, and give you their best support.
• Do things that you love to do (added bonus, do things that you couldn't do while you were dating. For myself, I played tons of video games that brought me lots of joy and happiness. I couldn't play much when I was dating).
• Pick up something new that benefits you, such as exercise, or a new skill (I picked up running, and it helps a lot with reminding me to live the moment, and clear my head).
• Write everything that you wish to say to your ex on a paper. Don't send the letter to them, instead, discard it or burn it. It's a way of letting them go so that you can move on.
• Don't push the feelings of grief away, acknowledge the sadness and assure yourself that life will just get better from here on with or without your ex. (Crying helps a lot too as it helps purge the bottled up feelings). There's no time limit for grief, grief as long as you need to.
• Show yourself some kindness, and treat yourself like how you'd treat a friend. You've done well with your past relationship, and gave it all you've got. You'll be able to make it thru this, and will do better next time.

If you're still struggling, there's no shame in visiting the GP for a referral to a therapist or counselor for professional assistance. Highly recommend Sophie_M's suggestion as well.

Hope that helps you Elle, happy to chat more~.

Jt