Need support but scared psychologist will see me as a failure

[NicoleP]

Hi everyone,

Just after some advice. I was seeing a psychologist in 2012 and at the start of 2013 due to workplace bullying. When I was transferred to a new school in March 2013 and there was no stress, things settled and I stopped seeing him. Then at the end of 2013 I went back cos of some stress related issues at my local running club - saw him only once or twice. Then this year, I have had some work related stress. I went and saw him in the middle of the year and he told me that I didn't need to go back. The same issue has continued at work and I am sooooo stressed and I need some emotional support. I feel like a failure going back yet again and feel a bit like he thinks I am being ridiculous and that he is losing patience with me and therefore am very reluctant to make an appointment. So, I am stressed about work and am even more stressed about making an appointment with psychologist. Has anyone else felt this way.

[white knight]

Hi KezzaA,

I think you have justification in feeling your Psych isnt going to help much. There seems also that there is a pattern in your life that needs to be approached with thorough conviction.

eg I've been a members of 3 auto clubs over many years. All 3 have had members that have either bullied me or the club ostracises me for whatever reason. It has only been the last club's events that made me realise that a/ my behaviour is not 'normal' that can fit in and b/ that I'm not suited to large groups. Up until then I believed it was the clubs fault on each occasion. Sure the bullying etc was not right but it was the handling of the matters that failed me as well.

So I'm wondering if your anxiety is cyclic?  Are you a candidate for ease of anxiety coming and going in your life as soon as a small event comes along.

Either way I'd seek another psychologist and consider a good counsellor/therapist.

You should have your mindset on survival in the workplace.  However the stress of your job could see your career fall short of its projected lifespan.  A change is like a holiday- but in a different profession. This might be hard to swallow. Most big decisions are.

Either way a change in Psych is necessary

[NicoleP]

Hi WK

thank you for your input. I completely agree with you that I have self defeating behaviour patterns. My father was always very manipulative and controlling and I react to people that do this to me and I end up in "trouble" just like I did as a kid when I stood up to him. I just don't know how to find the psychologist to help me as I have been to 2 now. They get me through a crisis, but as you have indicated, don't seem to be able to keep me out of the next drama. I know my triggers but am not able to stop those triggers .....yet.

Once again, thanks for your honest input

KezzaA

[white knight]

Hi KezzaA,

You and I have many things in common. I too had a controlling and manipulative parent, my mother. I stopped seeing her 4 years ago and my life has changed for the better.

However as you said, those triggers, our natural reactions to some "threathening" forces among other groups, employees, etc are hard to combat. My choices have been- to become one of them (not possible as it isnt in my makeup), withdraw from society to a comfort zone I am happy with (I've done this, closed Facebook, left clubs) or become a total hermit (not advisable).

What has helped me enormously is a move to the country for obvious reasons- less stress and other reasons eg less financial pressure, more genuine people.

I genuinely believe that we, you and I types, react too quickly, so quickly we do not allow our intelligence to decide how to react. The we incite trouble. If our minds allowed us to think before we reacted we wouldnt have so many issues.

[NicoleP]

Hi WK

you are right - I react. I let my emotions rule my reactions but the emotions are so intense and it is a release. It's not like I scream and yell - recently I told a work colleague to let me worry about what happens in my classroom after she removed a students writing books from my classroom. This resulted in a formal complaint. My other strategy to avoid emotional reactions is avoidance and that annoys people too.  

I react emotionally when I feel like I am being treated like a doormat and that gets me into trouble. Part of the problem is that I don't have the verbal/assertiveness skills and self esteem to stand up for myself. Do people have strategies for managing emotional reactions? 

Kezza

[ALL]

Hi Kezza

im sorry, I don't know much about the topic but I agree with WK perhaps changing to a new psychologist. I don't think you are a failure, everyone struggles sometimes and it may take a little while to overcome. don't ever think you are a failure! you are amazing!

in regards to emotional reactions and assertiveness, I don't have any major tips than to take it slow. from experience I know it is probably just a little build in confidence that will help and make all the difference ( and it is attainable!). set small goals about speaking up like 'today I will make sure ....' . no goal is too small.

I have had anxiety issues where I have lashed out ( I yelled in public! at least you didn't do that!) and while it was hard the first small goal I set was to apologise.  so I guess my advice is to make small goals to be assertive and if something happens apologise ( only if you are in the wrong) quickly- it will make you feel better. but to be honest, I don't think the classroom incident was your fault. I think saying it was your job to look after your own class is taking responsibility.

hope I helped somehow. I don't have a lot of life knowledge sorry!

ALL

[white knight]

Hi ALL

Your post speaks volumes of your abilities at the young age of 16yo.  Sometimes throughout a post the original poster can take something from your input like "no goal is too small"....an amazing comment.

Kezza.  In the late 1970's when a prison officer at Pentridge Jail, I realised I had two persona's. One, the softy, the poet, the sad one, the easily manipulated one. The other I nicknamed "Anthony"- the uniformed one, the harsh one, the ultimate masked one, the one capable of everything other officers were capable of, the bossy, the authoritarian....  I developed Anthony while I was in that role. I eventually discarded him years after I left the job because he was not required and he was not "me".

However if I was a teacher I would soon resurrect him. I do not believe you can survive in that role without a "Karen" (in your case.) I say this as my daughter 25yo, is a teacher and thankfully she inherited a hard side from her biological mother. Had she not, I'd advise her to seek another profession.

Sounds harsh? radical? I dont think so. You suffer from similar symptoms as me. I wonder if you can drag out "Karen" when she is required but leave Kezza intact at the same time?  Karen in your case would, when required, be firm, insistent, defensive when needed, outspoken in short bursts with a smile and all the while in brief appearances.

[NicoleP]

Thank you once again for your wonderful insight. I love the idea of Karen (and so that shall be her name). I kind of tried this earlier this year but just considered it to be my professional self but I like the concept of making her a different person. I still really need to work on developing Karen so that she is not reactive.

It's kind of ironic though - this year when things weren't going well I decided to separate work from personal life. One of the formal complaints made about me was that I don't discuss my personal life at work. When I told my boss that I didn't believe that disclosing personal information was a work requirement, he told me that at our work place that it was (this was said in a formal meeting in which minutes were taken) I am not concerned about that particular comment - I would like to see them try to stand me down on this basis.

It is where this kind of this is silly though - we are told to be professional and then in the next breath they want us to mix business with pleasure. We had a trivia night and we were told that we had to make up a table of family and friends, my Principal wanted to include the details of an operation had in the newsletter cos he felt that parents should know etc etc. It's that horrible grey area again not that good old black and white.

Thanks once again for your words of wisdom.

Kezza (not Karen)