My thoughts on anxiety

[RedRocket]

Like many people, I find myself struggling with my own mental health as of recent. I have been trying to self rationalise why that is the case, what lead me here and how its become what it is. Lifestyle changes, Covid lockdowns, amongst other factors no doubt, are all relevant to the question.

How do you describe it? Is it a feeling, a thought, an emotion, or a collection of all three? I find it best described as almost like being out of equilibrium with your baseline sense of feeling. Needlessly feeling an impending sense of distress or dread, that ebbs and flows, and at times can spiral, no matter how much you want to fight it. Why? That's the million dollar question, there's no observable, or logical reason, it just is. Ordinarily this could be self managed I believe, however the physical symptoms and frequency are what make it harder to manage from someone untrained to deal with their own mental discomfort.

The chest tightness, the trembling limbs, sensations of tingling, intermittent hot flashes, and de-realisation, which I'm sure you have all been there, or felt something similar. The worry of when they will come next, will they come when you are at work? Will they jeopardies your relationships? Will they never stop coming? And the worry spirals. Oh and don't forget the impending sense of the heart attack, which no matter how many times you go through it, never comes, thankfully haha. Funny that, it never comes, yet you feel the same way each time, well at least you know what it isn't for next time!

As an individual with no history of mental health issues, or significant clinical triggers, it has taken me by surprise. "It wont be me, I've always been stronger than that, I have mental resilience" That's what you tell yourself at first, and then you finally come to the realisation it never mattered, how "strong" you perceived yourself, mental health is not something you can brute force or totally prevent. You can only mitigate it, as best as you understand how.

Ultimately this realisation has led to me to search for answers, self diagnosis is never the right option, as such seeking out a professional is going to be the next step. The most frustrating part, funnily enough, is not that likelihood of having some form of mental health issue, but that not knowing what it is, or why it is, only what it might be. I believe some sense of catharsis will come from identifying it clinically.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, we're all gonna make it!

[mmMekitty]

Hello Red Rocket,

Welcome to the Forum.

You would like a discussion? I want to read through what you have written, again,. Right now, though, it's late, again. I have some things I need to do tomorrow, & then, no doubt, rest. So, if I don't get back, even before Saturday, Please forgive me.

I wouldn't be surprised if other people come to say 'hello' , soon..

mmMekitty

[Sophia16]

Hi,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for sharing your story.

Yes, mental health is so crucial and can come out of nowhere. It can be so scary once it's diagnosed by a professional but definitely worth getting real advice. Not going on google and self-diagnosing.

How are you feeling at the moment? Are you currently seeing a psychologist? Please let me know.

Stay safe and i am here to chat if you need me.

[bluemoonbluesky]

Wow, this post hit me hard on so many levels.

I was the same as you back in 2018. I used to hear about anxiety, depression, and never think it would happen to me. I wasn't even aware that anxiety could cause physical sensations. I was always the strong one, the one that somehow was always fine. And then, I don't know what happened or why like you, but I increasingly lost my way, my purpose. I started hating going to work. Drank increasingly. Started reading more about philosophies of life, but in a more sinister "what does this all mean?" way. Unexplained physical stuff started happening to me. Looking back, the signs were all there, and I was always, always socially anxious. And then one day, I had my first panic attack. For the first time in my life, I sat there in a hospital waiting room truly frightened and vulnerable.

It probably took me a year after that first attack to really start to come to terms with what was happening, and to truly accept that the physical sensations were patterns of anxiety and fight/flight.

I tensed up even more at social encounters. And my body literally fell apart. It felt like when one symptom stopped, another started. Headaches, dizziness, twitches, random chest pains, pounding heart, shakes, sweats - I've had it all. I saw a psychologist a few times. I wouldn't say we clicked, but her line of questioning got me thinking a lot about life. Probably the best thing for me was seeing a great chiro that was into spirituality also. I initially presented with back and chest pains, but he taught me to look at the bigger picture, about alignment, and that actually maybe the pains came from part of my spirit being broken and indeed anxiety. It totally changed the way I perceived things. I guess clinically, once all physical tests showed nothing but a clean bill of health, I had to change my thinking. When I went to an ER, with a pounding heart, stabbing chest pains, shaking uncontrollably, have ECGs/blood work/X-rays done, and absolutely nothing is wrong, you really do start to question everything.

The difference is that now I accept my anxiety. I no longer feel 'flawed' or lesser. If anxiety wants to come when I go out, okay, but it doesn't control me or my decisions anymore. I searched for answers for a long time, but maybe the whole time I already knew them, they just started to manifest in physical ways I never thought possible. Remember you are not alone!

[mmMekitty]

Sorry Red Rocket,

I think I am experiencing some heightened anxiety about how I can respond to threads, my ability to write clearly, to keep track of my own thoughts, your thoughts you have written, I drift, can't concentrate, I'm Bleeping tired. I feel I can't put in the effort into responding the way I would like. I try. I don't like what I'm writing. I begin again, & have to leave it again...I'm worrying about too much lately.

One thing I did note, how cerebral your writing about your anxiety is...what about your feelings about it? The feelings you have when you are anxious, & the feelings you have in response?

mmMekitty

[therising]

Hi RedRocket

First, I have to say you express yourself in such an incredible way. You're so thoughtful, sensitive and wonderful (full of wonder) amongst possessing so many other obvious traits/abilities.

Like bluemoonbluesky, a better understanding of myself and why I struggled through years of depression came from a more outside the square resource. Having become a mind/body/spirit kind of gal over the years, my research (researching who I am and how I tick) led me to explore all 3 aspects in a variety of ways. I found it amazing how all 3 are intertwined

• While mind (the brain at work - the way we think, what beliefs we hold and how our perception plays out) can impact certain systems in our body while impacting our chemistry, our nature or natural sensitivity to a mental and/or physical shift can be felt. The more sensitive you are the easier it is to feel
  

Given that a sensitive person holds the ability to feel so easily, you would imagine it would be highly productive for us to be told, growing up, 'Now, this is how you feel your way through life...'. It often tends to go in the other direction. If you're a kid who feels hyperactivity, few lead you to analyse, question and even utilise that hyperactivity. It's more so 'Calm down, you're out of control'. In other words 'Suppress what you're feeling. Bottle it up!'. If we're super sad about something, it's a matter of 'Just stop dwelling and get on with things'. Again, 'Suppress it and don't question it (your sadness)'. So, before you know it, you're conditioned to become less sensitive to how you're feeling your way through life. Of course, this becomes a problem when you hit a stage of life when, all of a sudden, a whole stack of feelings start to surface. It may become a matter of 'Mentally, what's wrong with me?', 'Physically, what's wrong with me?', naturally, 'What's wrong with me?'.

For myself, what was wrong was - no one taught me how to sense. May sound kind of strange, I know. For example, during my years in depression, I could have felt thoroughly depressed by the end of a 1 hour conversation with a degrading person, being left to wonder 'What's wrong with me?'. I've managed to become more sensitive to feeling the nature of such a person minutes into the conversation, while also becoming more sensitive to feeling the need to shut it down. Learning to trust what you feel is a challenge.

Sometimes it can be a matter of 'Who or what suddenly turned the volume up on my ability to feel everything?'