my screwed up life

[battlingbigdog]

I'm just starting to come to terms with a lot of mistakes ive made in my life. Ivebeen avoiding anything in my life for as long as I can remember. I feel like a little kid still. Worried about getting in trouble and offending people. I recently quit my job as a youth worker after 5 years when I got to the point that everything was crashing down around me. I'd avoided the dentist because I was afraid of the reaction I would get to having neglected myself so much to the point where my teeth rotted out of my head. I hadn't done tax return in 4 years. I was over weight and withdrew from any social situation I could. I'd put on a brave face for a bucks night or somewhere I could get pissed but that was it. I was smoking weed to escape and developed a pokie addiction. I look at what I've done over the last few years of my life and don't see a single good thi?g I've done for my self. When I left my job I Got over 5000 bucks in unused leave and thought right. Time to get my life in order. I've been three weeks off the weed. I've had a heap of fillings done and have spoken to a Dr about my mental health. But then my car breaks down. I finally bite the bullet about my tax and end up with a $6000 bill. I start exercising and end up with fluid on the knee and Can hardly walk. And now I need to find a job but I look at my self and think who would employ a bloke like me. I've been told my whole life how smart I am and how I can do anything I want. School was easy. But I feel like I've never been independent. And once I left that environment I'd known for so long I fell apart. I've become withdrawn. And this Has been getting worse and worse for ten years. But When I've spoken to friends and family they tell me that's not how u come across. U seem so confident. I've had good jobs and never been fired but I feel like I'm not good enough for this or that now. I keep getting jobs suggested to me by friends and I'm shocked to think that they could think I'd be able to do it. I'm nearly broke after spending the majority of my payout on my teeth and bond for a new place as I'm moving town to get away from some of my less then positive social circle. I don't really know what I'm posting this for except to get it out. I guess I'm just scared of what happens next.  And reading back it's pretty obvious avoiding things isn't helping. I can see that the avoidance has caused most of my problems but it's been my default move my whole life and I just wanna hear that it can change.

[JessF]

Hello battling, it's good to write things out sometimes, isn't it? 

I can easily tell you what you want to hear - it can change, and it will because you are already taking steps to make these changes. You've faced up to the fact that you have been avoiding things for some time, and unfortunately this has led to some short term consequences: some debt, an injury while exercising (which could be related to not exercising for some time - our bodies protest when we try to get them to do things they don't want to do!).

But look at the changes you've started to make: you're moving to a new place to get a fresh start. You've done something about your mental and physical health. You've left a job which wasn't working out for you and was perhaps making you unwell. In some ways, the hard part has already been done.

With the job situation, from what you've written it sounds like you may be your own worst enemy. You have had good jobs in the past, and with all that accumulation of leave it sounds like you are a very diligent worker who rarely takes time out for themselves. Your friends and family recognise your talent in suggesting jobs you could do, but your own lack of self confidence is holding you back from giving them a try.  

In my experience, jobs always sound much scarier and bigger when you read the ad than they are in reality. I have had that feeling of 'am I good enough'w hen looking around for jobs too. 

Putting aside any fears of what you think you may or may not be capable of, what would you like to do? What inspires you?

[battlingbigdog]

Cheers Jessf. I've gotta say that profile pic Has me confident in your advice already. Miss Fletcher always had it figured out lol. Ur right about writing stuff down. I'm resigned to just applying for whatever I see And let them decide. My jobs so far in life have been many and varied and looking back I didn't think I could do any of them. I was real down this morning but I'm processing it all into rational thoughts right now and realising how far I've come. None of the bad things that have happened in the last month and a half could be changed I just know the real fatcs now. In response to what I'm passionate about I guess it's helping people. I just need a job to get me to a place where I can afford to go back to uni. I've been thinking about going back to nursing which I studied straight of school but I'd also  like to look at getting a law degree the more I think about it. New beginnings. 

[JessF]

Haha perhaps you can understand why I chose this picture! It gives *me* confidence too. 

New beginnings are scary, but also exciting. It sounds like you've got a lot of interesting choices ahead of you. 

Did you feel a bit burnt out when you stopped being a youth worker? People in caring professions often get worn down, and when you mentioned you had so much leave owing, it made me think that you probably haven't had a decent break in a while.

[EverdeenKatniss]

Hey!

Firstly, it must feel so good to get this off your chest. You should be proud you went to the dentist, you went to workout and you left a job you were unhappy in. Sometimes it can be hard to see the sucess when you feel so desolate. But I can see all the steps you have taken including talking to you GP are great ones. 

 Sometimes life will feel hard and challenging, you just have to try and put one foot in front of the other. You're moving away from people you identify as toxic and you should be proud of that fact. It's hard to make change but you have made so many. 

 If you feel overwhelmed by the "big picture" start small. Look at one problem at a time. I find the podcasts made by "Stin" that are filled with positive affirmations and encouragement of all sorts (you select the most relevant) can really help me when I feel a little lost. 

 i hope this helps.

 Remember it's one step at a time.

J

[Mares73]

Dear BBD 

I hope you continue to reach out on the forums as you will find many people relate to how you feel. Reading your story I was struck by some things I could really relate to. I too have been a high achiever & those that I interact with would never believe my low self esteem. Like you they think I'm confident & can get most jobs I want. They do not see my internal struggles. Also you mentioned avoidance wow can I relate to that! Similar to you I'd put off anything to do with self care & would avoid mail, bills, phone etc. I too avoided dentist out of fear & shame until my teeth were so bad i needed a special plate made. I got to the point i left my job & would rarely get dressed each day-id just stay in my pjs & not leave the house or open the door. I avoided many things by misusing painkillers. I wanted to feel numb & yes they helped numb everything but in the mornings when I first got up I had clarity & could see I was destroying myself yet it was so so hard to get up & get help to face each day. The hardest thing was admitting i needed help to change & so I now see a counselor regularly, take medication for depression/anxiety & try to just deal with things bit by bit each day. You have found the courage to go dentist, decided to move, stopped smoking weed & are thinking about your next goal whether it's nursing or law. That takes incredible strength & you've achieved so much by yourself. I know the car is a bummer but try not to let it take away from all the good things you've done. I'm not working at moment either & have to decide what to do next year. But perhaps you could get a small notebook or & each day write a few things you'd like to achieve each day. Keep it manageable ie you might list something that needs doing so the next thing would be something you want to do or would enjoy. Always offset a need with a want. And you have made big changes already so congratulate yourself for that. Don't go using all your energy trying get to do everything in a day. Or you will crash. Small goals turn into success. The other thing I'll mention is are you on antidepressants? Do you have a GP? If not there is a list on this website of GPs specially trained in mental health. You can find one in your area. Medication is a crucial part of recovery I believe. And you don't need to fear going because anxiety & depression is what they treat. I really hope we hear back from you & that we can support you through this period in your life. Lve Mares x