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My Life
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My first post
I've never felt that sense of belonging. I just don't seem to fit anywhere. I'm an outcast, a loner. It's a daily struggle. Looking back as a small child it was the same. I was never anyone's first choice. Life as a teen was the same. Teasing and bullying ruled my life. Life was lonely. What was wrong with me. Why didn't I stand up for myself? At the age of 17 I found myself engaged to an abusive man 4 years older than me. My family disowned me. Just shy of my 19th birthday my fiancee left me. I lived alone in youth housing depressed and unemployed. Closer to my 21st birthday I reconnected with my family and tried to turn my life around. I returned to study and started a relationship with my future husband. I went on to have 2 children & got married. Even on my wedding day I didn't feel overly special. I was still putting other people's needs ahead of my own.
My first panic attack happened at a friends house where I should have felt comfortable. I was holding a glass of wine and had an overwhelming sensation that the glass was going to shatter in my hand. I couldn't move. I asked my husband to take the glass from me (which was obviously ridiculous and he refused). Eyes where looking at me in disbelief. I started shaking and crying and someone removed the glass from my hand. I was 23. Things snowballed from then. I could no longer eat or drink in public. Weeks later I had a panic attack while overtaking a truck. Many years passed when I barely drove at all.
I don't remember when I was officially diagnosed with anxiety- probably sometime in my mid 20s. Finally the penny dropped and I begun to understand why I was feeling this way. Different medications where given.
Hiding my anxiety was exhausting. Only my husband knew. The endless excuses I would make as to why I couldn't do something ruled my life. I made the decision to tell the people in my daily life. No one understood, how could they when I didn't.
After 16yrs my husband left me. I was left alone to raise my kids(9 &12). I had to find work and do things anxiety made impossible. It was a nightmare. I had no support network. My kids where the reason I breathed.
I am now 46 & angry with myself for accepting less than I'm worth. Why do I put myself in relationships with men who devalue me? For 5yrs I have been with a narcissist man. He is destroying my soul. Why can't I leave him? I feel like a fool and should know better.
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Hi, welcome
You have certainly had you share of ups and downs. The first thing I'd like to mention is it would be a good idea if you got support from your GP to seek out any further diagnosis. You might be surprised.
The other thing to mention is - is it all your fault? Well no, society eg the people in it can be cruel and dominant leaving you to focus on guilt of your own making. You might very well be a poor judge of choosing men but if the men are less than kind is that your fault? If your childhood for some reason led you to be such a poor choser of men how can you be blamed for that? Narcissism for example often doesnt become apparent until years after marriage. There are many forms of Narcissism- silence can be used as a weapon by some narcs, controlling personality can be narcissistic and so on.
I'd guess that you will eventually leave your now partner when the straw breaks the camels back. Life is full of learning and if you are then alone when you want male company you'll be three times more aware of the traps in selecting the wrong guy.
This results in not being too hard on yourself, you are human like everyone else and make mistakes. You have children worthy to live for so chin up, time to think with your head not your heart and be brave whatever you do.
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/who-cries-over-spilt-milk-
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor-
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/confidence--how-do-you-get-it
I hope they help. repost anytime
TonyWK
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Hi Purple4, thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you have had quite a challenging life, which I'm sure many people here can relate to.
I know what it's like to be in a relationship with a narcissistic man. I was married to one for 17 years (met him when I was 15 years old). I struggled to have the courage to leave him too, as there were certain aspects to the relationship that kept me in it. I related to his suffering, we could talk easily, I enjoyed not being alone, and I was afraid of no one else wanting me. Eventually I decided I couldn't see myself living out the rest of my life with him as it was, and met someone else online. He is a very kind, gentle man, the complete opposite of my ex-husband. If you do ever meet such a man, I'm sure like me you'll find reasons why he isn't suitable for you. When you are used to unhealthy relationships, in a certain sense you start to only feel comfortable when you are treated badly. It's strangely uncomfortable to be accepted for things you don't feel worthy of. His kindness towards me only made me take over the criticism of myself that I was used to getting from my husband. Relationships are complicated things, even when they're good...
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Hi Shy Lizard
Thankyou for sharing with me. You are dead right that I go for what I'm used to. I grew up with a narcissist father and the men in my life have been the same. After my divorce I dated a man who forever praised and complimented me. It made me feel so uncomfortable that I went through stages of sabotaging the relationship. This man wanted to give me the world and I just wanted to run, and run I did. I was on my own for many years before I stared seeing my current partner. Looking back the warning bells rang loud early on but I made excuses for his bad behaviour.
Recently I began reading a lot about narcissism and knowing I had no hope of changing him, I wanted to change the way I reacted to his abusive behavior. I felt a little empowered but true to form my partner pressed all my buttons until I broke down again feeling defeated, degraded and stupid.
I know I need to leave, my sanity says to leave but my heart foolishly loves this man. This sort of relationship is all I know.
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Beautiful words, Thankyou.
I am so happy that you are in a better place 😁
