My fight for life

jonjr · ‎04-05-2017

Its been a while since i last posted and to my own surprise im still here. For those that do not know my journey. I suffer with high lv anxiety, dissociative disorder, hi lv panic attacks, depression and a brain that feels like pea soup at times. Well since my last post i have been in and out of hospital and been through intensive therapy and what seems like a million doctors and therapy groups. My life is never easy BUT im proud that im still here.... im happy that the help i needed was there. I will probably never get my life back to 100% but i accept that now . Do i feel like im different? Absolutely.... do i feel like im worth it? I wish i could tell you i do, i wish i could tell you all that its easy and you will be 100% in no time. For me even just to be here is a win win. I guess im just trying to say be happy with where you are and learn to accept your life as meaningful. I dont have the answers to fix anyone or even begin to...... none of us do..... but i have learned that if we try to understand we are different and we do have a say in are own world then at least we are part of that 100% and that counts. Xxx

MsPurple · ‎04-05-2017

HI jonjr. Thank you for sharing your story. I know along my journey I sometimes wondered if I would ever be 100%. I had the similar to how you felt as well. I then thought, you know what I may never be 100% like the old me, but that's ok. I can become a new me. Once I had this mind set it made me feel better and more accepting of my anxiety. I'm proud you are still here too. SO many people struggle with a mental illness and unfortunately we lose some to this condition. Not giving in to it and getting help is a huge sign of strength and determination. Lots of people will also identify with this post because many of us are worried that having this will change us and we just want to go back to how things were before, or go back to 100%. It's good to share these concerns and talk it through with others in a similar situation. I am now trying to focus on being happy now and not caring if I'll become the old me because I am wanting growth, and that's ok.

blondguy · ‎04-05-2017

Hi Jonjr

What an Inspirational post!

Jonjr wrote: " I will probably never get my life back to 100% but i accept that now"

You have come such a long way and done so well! I hear you on the Pea Soup after having my first mega anxiety attack in 1983 when I was 23 and 'it' kept going. The acute anxiety did reduce in severity after 13 years...It was so exhausting...anyhow....I 'only' have depression now which is easier to work with after being scared for 13 years.

Your post is one of the best I have read since I joined the Beyond Blue Forums in Jan 2016.

You are an amazing person Jonjr. I really hope you can stick around the forums and share your input with so many other people that are doing it hard. (only if you wish...of course)

I keep a folder on my desktop called 'My Coping Folder'. I hope you dont mind me adding your post to it 🙂

I wont have 100% of my life back again either Jonjr. I hear you loud and clear.

You are spot on. Acceptance is the key that unlocks the door

My Very Best to you Jonjr

Paul

Tufflife · ‎04-05-2017

Wow powerful full stuff. Johnjr I have only been on this site since 28 April not long. I have been battling for 20yrs. I was at the end b4 I saved myself by getting on this site. I just had a read of some forums. I have hope, I am not alone, this site gives so much. what u wrote and the reply from community champs. We can all relate. Thxs mate.

geoff · ‎05-05-2017

hello Jonjr, a great post, and when you say you may not get back to how you were before, I wonder whether this was how you actually wanted to be, maybe, because anyone who has had depression then anything would be better than being in a state of feeling like a non being, and now you have changed, you have learnt from previous situations that were a trigger point for your depression.
I always felt that I was feeling 100% before my depression, but I was kidding myself in hindsight, but for you just as all the others as well as myself to be where we are now, is definitely a better place, and whether you want to call it a safer place depends on each individual.
We learn from each other and can then teach each other. Geoff.

RandR · ‎05-05-2017

Hi Jonjr,

You are a winner in my books and thanks for still hanging in there.

Acceptance of yourself and situation is very powerful and takes a great amount of maturity and courage. LIke, you, I also accepted the fact that I will never be 100%, however, that's what makes us human, makes us feel, support and help one another.

You are doing better than you might think.

Thanks again and all the best.

Regards,

Raman.

jonjr · ‎08-05-2017

Thank you for all your kind words. I live my life in a space most people fear or believe or choice to believe is not real. Its my own personality that fights back and that in turn drives me forward to understand myself and where i fit. To be honest if i didnt have the love of my children then i have know idea where i would be . As that love is pure and is possibly the greatest hope i have. Yes at times its hard to put on that happy face even for them but they have a way of being the cure without knowing it. I do fear my future as people can be cruel and my live can be turned upside down in a flash. I struggle everyday and every second my brain is switched on to just to stay a float. My life is a struggle and one giant emotional rollercoaster, but i hang on in there, i have to, i must. I fear above all for people that carnt relate or understand that life has hurdles to overcome. As we all do, its what you come out like at the end and what we leave behind that counts.

blondguy · ‎10-05-2017

Hey Jonjr

there are more people here that understand you than you know

Everyone has to have a 'public' or 'happy' face too with depression/anxiety

Great to have you on the forums Jonjr:-)

my kindest

Paul

jonjr · ‎12-05-2017

Well yesterday was a complete melt down for me and a big step backwards. I just dont understand why i have to just keep pulling myself up constantly. Im so tired of my thoughts, what my emotions do without my consent, how my heart hurts as its in a continuous war with my own internal words. I scream to myself with my eyes closed and no sound comes out. It hurts even to scream but im so trapped i have no other way of letting it out. How can i do what i know is right when inside im being ripped apart. I feel so disappointed in myself that everything i try, say or atempt to do simply disappears back to where i shouldnt be.

Today i can not see any hope. I just want to be me again without all of this.