My brother gives me anxitey!

[Olliepop]

My brother, middle child, is very pushy and narcissistic.

He always thinks he is right, he always is so judgmental on people, hes rude, he doesn't listen, when we all reach our breaking points, then he pipes down a little bit.

I blame my mother, for never allowing my father to punish him and learn discipline at a young age like my older brother did. She forever covers for him, till this day.

I find the more i avoid him, and a situation he is in the better. We do work together, which isnt easy, but avoiding him throughout the day i have learn how to manage.

I have realized, anything that changes in my life, he over involves himself and sometimes i cant help but feel i have to start defending myself when he starts commenting, or asking too many questions.

Recently, my husband left his job, which he was very unhappy in.

My husband continues to provide, in his own ways, i just don't inform everyone on what he does, which to me is perfectly fine, and its none of anyones business. Were happy. We both have an income. There is nothing to talk about.

My husband purchased me a brand new car, and recently sold my current. My husband is a thinker, if the new car is coming soon, why wait to sell the current when we can manage together getting to and from places, have the funds ready to lay into the new car when its time.

My brother starts commenting, why sell the car before the new one?.. how can you both get around blah blah blah. If we manage, its none of your business. My husband has told my brother he left the previous job, but my brother still asks me acting dumb, and when i get on the defense explaining why things were done, he doesnt reply and ignores me.. in which i stated, you shouldn't judge situations when you dont know first hand how people feel. he snaps back with im not judging but that happens in all workplaces, it happens here, i even do it. For him to hear himself, i dont respond. and then i think he realized what he was saying then goes on pretending he hasn't made me react, so now IM the one who is upset and hes moved on acting all cool. I find the more i try to voice my opinion to make my brother back off, the worse it gets, but its also not okay NOT voicing my opinion too. My brother is easily jealous of situations, who has the better house, who has the better car, and when people move in silence, and he doesnt know whats going on, i believe he doesnt like that.

Some advice on how to handle him please!

Annoyed sister.

[white knight]

In my travels )I'm 68yo) I've met many people from my Airforce days and my own family. I'm the middle child and have a younger sister but we cant compare as the dynamics are different.

My sister hold her envy in and uses any means taught to her by our estranged mother, to manipulate and divide family members. She sees no wrong in that. Yet 2 years ago it cost us our relationship, its over and I wont take her back. The toxicity is terrible, she wont learn.

That brings me to your situation. Sibling rivalry is one thing but as soon as it begins to get toxic there is only one avenue of choice and that is accepting that you are not compatible and distance yourself a lot. Some people that do that can remain in contact and place boundaries on when they can come over or ring. If they ring too often then dont answer the call, thats pretty easy... you taker control of your life and marriage! Dont allow him to dictate that you should answer or anything else, in effect you are putting down conditions that he normally violates.

Family chemistry is different for every family so you have to design your contact accordingly. At a family bbq for example if someone asks "have you got your new car" and you answer yes, that doesnt mean you are wanting your new car as a large topic of discussion. So if your brother says "I still dont understand why you sold your old car before you got your new one". The secret her eis to ask questions so he realises your decisions are between you and your husband. So you reply "In our marriage we make our own decisions dont you think that is the way it should be"? Anbd each time he answers add more questions. Like- do you make your own decisions? . Do you answer to anyone else?. If I wanted your advice you are only a phone call away.

If he said "you wont ring me for advice" then you say "what does that tell you"... again its a question. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/wit-the-only-answer-for-torment/td-p/71440

I hope that helps... reply anytime

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Olliepop

I think one of the up sides to being sensitive means we can easily get a sense where people are coming from. For example, on one hand (when someone's asking a lot of questions) you can sense someone trying to gain enough information so as to pass judgement. On the other hand they can be asking a lot of questions out of genuine curiosity because good reasons give them the opportunity to relate to the situation better. With some folk, I've found it pays to wonder and express that sense of wonder at them, 'Are you questioning me so as to pass judgement or is it based on the fact you're a reasonable person? Are you able to relate to good reason/s?'. In some cases it pays to just call people out on what they're obviously doing, 'You know, I can sense you judging me. I can feel it, even if you can't. What do you have to gain in this situation by judging?'. 

I've heard it said before that some people tend to judge others because it helps them give themself a sense of identity that appeals to them. For example, from their perspective, 'You wasting money defines me as 'someone who's more careful with money'. You not being all that adventurous defines me as 'someone who's more adventurous that you'. You making reckless decisions defines me as 'someone who is a careful, sensible and thoughtful decision maker'' and so on. So it's kinda like 'Whatever you do wrong (in my mind) defines me as 'more evolved than you'. People like that, feeling better than others. You being downgraded or degraded means they become upgraded as a person, in their mind. Hope that makes sense. It gives some insecure people a greater sense of comfort and security.

I can't help but wonder why your mum tended to be more protective of your brother, growing up. Wondering whether he was pretty insecure or maybe quite sensitive as a kid.

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I'm with you all the way in what you have said about in relation to your brother. And the unfortunate thing is we cannot change our family or how they behave. It sounds like you've figured out that setting some boundaries helps, but it’s still a challenge. And finding a balance between protecting your peace and standing up for yourself isn’t easy, but it’s possible. I would like to think this is wisdom, but it is only the result of spending time with an psychologist and psychiatrist for a number of years! I can share some ideas with you, (like boundaries or "rocking the boat" - putting these here for my own benefit). All you can do is be you 🙂

Listening if you would like to chat more...

[Olliepop]

Thank you for your support, as always. 

If i was to reply back with, in our marriage we make our decisions etc. my brother will relfect it back with the typical "oh i didnt even ask about your marriage.. youre so sensitive" blah blah blah.
I even voiced his comment to my mother, and she replied "oh its okay" even though she knows.. hes in the wrong.

[Olliepop]

My brother grew up with milk allergies, but ... who cares? hes fine isnt he.

I feel he was favored too as he was named after her father.

He possibly voices opinions too, and my mother doesnt so maybe she admires that.

Pretty sad.

[Olliepop]

Id love some ideas! 

[Scared]

White knight is right in diagnosis.

Your brother has Toxic personality

 Now you know what his condition is I would be straight to the bookshop or library and learning how to protect yourself from toxic people.

I cant think of any condition more draining than what he is.

Whether or not your toxic brother is aware of his condition the point is for whatever reason his role in your life is to suck you dry of all your strength.

Your job is to learn through reading not how to help him but to protect yourself.

This will probably mean major changes on your behalf in your life.

Toxic people get their energy from draining others .  I mean its weird that people want to be like a leech.

Its not flattering for the toxic person to act like a blood sucking creature.

I recommend reading not one book but several on the subject to gain a complete picture on what you need to do.

You will find some answers to this to be extreme that I wont mention here and hope you will find through reading your answers.  Your brother is going to make you sick so action is needed soon before he does make you sick.

I just escaped from a toxic friend not long ago.  Everyday in my ear about global warming doom talk to the point I was getting sicker.  But I understood my friend that being a dooms dayer was his passion in life and he got energy from me as his only audience.  He was getting stronger while I was fading away

[white knight]

So true "scared"

With toxic people in our lives we tend to initially in teens and young adulthood, accept that we are a battering ram. We dont realise that for a prosperous and happy life we should exercise our basic rights. Those rights include- 

• choosing to not answer a call if you dont feel like it
• Reducing or cutting off contact as a last resort. This can include or not include family gatherings like xmas. Some will add pressure "but we are family, dont worry about him" and so on. Again its your decision, your conflict, exercise YOUR rights.
• Self protection includes not tolerating abuse. Abuse can mean many things under its umbrella but as siblings we tend to not include abuse as a description of their ... abusive behaviour.

Your brother at best might take several years to change if change is indeed possible. It might be an idea to limit your contact with him until such maturity takes place. 

As for favouritism from your mother to him, I've experienced this in my ex in-laws. The eldest son of 5 kids was named after the mothers brother that was a victim of WW2. Their mother directly told me "he is my favourite". While I saw how damaging it was to the other 4, nothing would change her mind so I didnt bother. Better to blossom as an adult and allow her to favour him and branch out into the big world out there to find comfort in friends that can sometimes become "family". I did, I have a beautiful non blood mother that shines far more than my own.

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Olliepop

I tend to believe people are multifaceted and one of the many facets can be of a self entitled nature. The more it's developed or encouraged to be developed, the stronger it can become. Sometimes it becomes one of the most outstanding facets of a person and one of the most destructive. So, if your mum and others have led your brother to feel somewhat entitled (to say whatever he wants), he'll continue to exercise this part of him around you until you set him straight. I imagine he wouldn't be tapping into this part of himself around people who just wouldn't tolerate it at all, based on there being undesirable consequences for him.

I actually have a family member who can be a little too judgemental, self entitled and over opinionated on occasion. While they've been a part of my life for more than 5 decades, I reached my breaking point some months back. Something in me just snapped. I smile when I say it was like the intolerant upstanding part of me came to the forefront with a take no prisoners and a 'I got this, sister' vibe and just came out with a clear boundary setting '**** YOU!!!'. Needless to say this ended the phone call and shook me up a little. I knew I had it in me but, you know, it's the kind of thing you try to suppress, especially as a people pleaser to some degree. Never in all the years I'd known this person had I ever thrown the F bomb at them. I think it shocked the both of us to tell you the truth but is set a definite boundary and sent a definite message. The message was 'Don't push me. You now know I have a breaking point and you can only push me so far until we both meet with it'.

In no way am I suggesting you throw expletives a person's way, I think it's just a matter of setting a clear line in the sand or creating a boundary that dictates 'You are not as entitled as you may choose to believe, especially around me'. And if a person's self entitled nature is a time waster ( with us wasting our time as we're led to stress, frustration, anger, sadness and so on), the less time spent with them the better. Time invested in more uplifting things and people is time well spent.