My brain is broken . I'm 17 and my memory feels broken, I am full of anxiety and have lost the ability to communicate or do basic things I used to.

[liamf22]

I am a 17 year old guy who has had issues with social anxiety and controlling negative thoughts in the past. I have been having epsiodes that last a week and then go away for a week. I am experiencing one of these episodes right now and it feels like I am completely disconnected from my identity and my personality. I have lost the ability to form basic sentences in discussion and have become a completly useless and extremely awkward person. It feels like I have lost my basic human comprohension. There are many long term memories that feel completely blurred. It feels like all my basic human skills are impaired such as spelling, writing, vocabulary, the ability to speak in full sentences. I feel trapped in my mind and am having trouble writing this right now. My whole life feels like a floaty, dreadful, anxiety dream. I am so scared that these episodes will not stop happening. I have completely lost my social connections and am now known for being very wierd and stupid at my school as of lately. I'm trapped in my head and can't even comprehend my own thoughts. I'm unable to communicate what I am truly feeling because of this and can't communicate what I want to with my therapist. When these episodes end I think to myself - how stupid was it that I let my brain get this way, I'm fine! it won't happen again surely. I just want to die so this nighmare cycle can be over. I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense, I am just trying to find anyone who can relate to this.

[WhiteBear]

Hi liamf22,

I can certainly relate to aspects of your struggle. I noticed at times in my life when I was really depressed and negative I would have a tendency to over analyse and question everything I did and say. Even just doing a basic manual task I would question whether I was doing it right. I felt that I was never capable of being happy and successful. I believe this is actually you using your conscious mind to much. It's believed that your conscious mind only makes up 10% of your total mind. The rest is the subconscious. The subconscious mind is extremely powerful and is ultimately responsible for regulating your heartbeat, your breathing, the secretion of hormones, etc. You'll notice sometimes when you forget your password, but when your in front of a keyboard, you just recall it straight away. This is your subconscious working. The key for me after I learnt this was to practice meditation and then I just learnt to let go and use my subconscious more. This included having better social interactions with people. I was amazed how life changed for me.

Give it a go.

Regards

WB

[Cleo1]

Hi there Liamf22,

I just wanted to pop in and say you are not alone in how you are feeling - I’ve been there too. Anxiety is such an exhausting and debilitating illness. Your brain is so super-attuned to all your worries and negative thoughts that it’s like there’s no brain power left to think about anything else. When my anxiety was at its worst I felt like I lived in a constant state of terror, like I was in ‘fight or flight’ mode all the time. It felt like my body was on autopilot and I had no control over myself. I have almost no memories of two years of my life because that was the state I was living in.

I’m really glad you’re seeing a therapist. Could you show your therapist this post you have written? It might help them to better understand how you’re feeling if you’re not able to express it to them face-to-face.

Have you seen a GP about how you are feeling? You could also show you GP what you’ve written here to help them understand, or even take a supportive person with you who could help to speak on your behalf? I don’t know whether you’ve tried any medication or not, but for me, I found medication helped me by ‘taking the edge off’ my anxiety so I didn’t feel so out of control. Then I had a bit of room in my brain to focus on something other than my anxious thoughts and was able to start practicing the techniques my psychologist had taught me. That’s when things started to really improve.

Anxiety is really hard, but it won’t be like this forever. Please remember that this feeling is only temporary and once you get the help you need things will get better!

Sending kind thoughts your way,

Cleo1

[loouuiiee]

Ohhh Liam I can completely relate to this!

a few years back I had a very controlling boyfriend I was living with. He made all my decisions for me, spoke for me, got me in trouble at my work and I lost my job, he alienated me from my family and all my friends so I literally had no one in my life anymore besides him.

He wouldn’t let me talk to anyone except him and I wasn’t allowed to leave the house ...

Throughout all this I so stressed out and convinced that I was slowly loosing my mind.

During that time I experienced very similar to what you are talking about - at first I began to just feel not right - sad and anxious all the time. Then it felt like I was in a dream even when I was awake.everything felt like it was not real and that I was in some kind of weird universe and i was so lethargic all I wanted to do was sleep all the time. Over the new few weeks/months things got worse. I felt disorientated all the time and like I couldn’t get my thoughts straight, I couldn’t put my thoughts in to sentences, and I could barely speak any words. I couldn’t stand up or i would feel like I was going to fall or faint. It was like my mind and body were paralysed and I had forgotten how to think and to speak and couldn’t do anything for myself - not even go for a walk or take a shower!

Then I started hearing voices (the voice of my old boss yelling at me, which wasn’t possible because I was at home not at work!) and I was convinced I was going mad.

My GP prescribed me anxiety medication and I started taking Siberian Ginseng tablets and Ginko Biloba tablets (over the counter vitamins) and I began seeing a psychologist.

the guy ran off, like one day he literally just left, blocked my number and I never saw him again! LOL

It took a while but after 6 months of being on the anxiety medication, plus seeing the psychologist, and finding myself a new job I started to feel myself again.

are you under a lot of stress that could be causing these episodes?

[Neopopulas]

You are definitely not alone, always remember that.

In my experience it is best to try and focus - and i know its not easy - on the positive. When the episodes end, you need to remind yourself that they do end, and that it isn't something that will go on forever, even if it can feel like that sometimes, i know it can. If you focus on those good times, and remember that the bad will pass, it can help you day to day.

I'm glad to hear that you are still in school, even though you feel like people are thinking of you a certain way. As someone who had attendance issues since grade 7, and didn't finish year 10, it can really cripple you in the long run, both from an education perspective and the social side as well, its tough, but its so good that you keep managing, thats a huge win.

When talking with your therapist, it can be hard. Personally i struggled for a long time, and still do, with putting a 'good face' on things. This is something i had to unlearn, it was hard and still is. Talking to your therapist about good times is a positive thing, but you have to remember they need to know about your worst times as well, or they can't help you in the long run.

Maybe when you are having bad days, if you remember, you can write down some things you think and feel, and do that on and off until you see your therapist and then take that with you. You can either give them what you wrote, or you can read from it. I have found its easier to focus when you have it in writing, and having put it down when its fresh.

One thing i always tell people, and its very easy to tell people this, but harder to hear, is you just can't give up, no matter how bad things seem now, you have options, and options always mean possible solutions. Even if those solutions aren't exactly what you want, or what you pictured. They can lead you there.

[Lil123]

it absolutely makes sense and It's crazy how much i can relate to this, i honestly understand what your going through. I have social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder. your not alone, i'm sorry i can't give you any pointers or tips, i'm having trouble myself, lost in my own head, constantly anxious and lonely. but this community is here for you. I have panic attacks, were i completely loose my mind, i don't have any control over what i'm doing. And the worst thing is that i don't remember anything. so when i am *OK* again, everyone's just starring at me and i don't even know why, and when i do, i just want to cry because i'm so utterly embarrassed. So i'm no stranger to pain, anxiety and depression, i understand. Just keep going, please. I wish i could say the same to myself, but that's what's best about this, it's that i can tell other people that it's gonna be ok 🙂