Mornings are the worst

[BasilThree]

Wake up feeling ok, holding onto a nice dream, feel like a bit of a snuggle in my bed. But within minutes, those unhealthy thoughts come in, firstly it's quiet general (oh work, another day of unstimulating work, where I'm by myself for hours of end), which I kind of shake off. Then they pop back to more specific, relationship problems, feeling alone, self pity, the future which all turns into 'how I am going to get through the next day, week, year?' How do I get support for this, when I am so independent and bristle when I get any advice from anyone, including people I love? 

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi BasilThree,

Thanks for reaching out.

I totally agree- mornings can be the worst sometimes.  You're not alone.

I know how draining and confronting it can be being bombarded with these thoughts.  It can be very difficult to deal with them on your own.  Are you seeing anyone at the moment - maybe a counsellor or psychologist?  They can provide lots of helpful techniques and tools to help cope.

One of the biggest things that I've learned in the mornings is to challenge my thoughts.  Sometimes my mind jumps to self pity and what I need to do this day/week/year (just like what you've described), but I have to bring it back.  What matters is right now.  The rest of the day/week/year can wait. It will come later.  But all we can control is how we direct our attention, even if that's for the next 5 minutes.

Mindfulness can also be a great practice to help regain some control.

Hope this helps,

Take care,

[BasilThree]

Hi there,

​Thanks for the response. It really sucks that right now I can't shake this feeling. Sometimes my brain feels so strong in challenging those thoughts, sometimes I can tell myself the words but they down really stick, and other times the thoughts just continue  on and on.

I saw a counsellor twice recently, but it didn't work for me. I find it SO so so so so hard to verbalise how I feel, I also just couldn't talk freely to a person I had met twice, and for quite a bit of money! I know I need to reach out, the only one I can talk to is my bf, but that's even effecting our relationship now.

 I keep telling myself I've got a strong brain, if it can hold onto all this anxiety then surely I can retrain it to think differently! But I have no one that I feel accountable to/for. No one that I really feel has an invested interest in me (cue the self pity thoughts). I keep thinking I should join a group or something, but unjust chicken out all the time! just so frustrating.

It's really hard to be the sole self motivator, but I really don't see the value in counselling at the moment.

Thanks 🙂

[Abey85]

I agree, the mornings seem to be the most challenging. The mind activates, and I usually begin anticipating and deconstructing the entire day ahead. How will I feel today? Will today be a good day? How strong am I feeling today?

What I'm finding works is to incorporate some relaxation techniques into my morning (mindfulness, deep breathing). It seems to quieten all the "noise". I also find comfort in knowing that I'll usually feel better by late morning/midday.

Stay strong and take care!

[Neil_1]

Hi there Basil Three

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post.

I thought that Romantic Thi3f’s response was a pretty good one, with regard to breaking down aspects of your life – and not therefore having to stress too much about the longer future.  When I feel stressed or anxious about a particular day I get myself a small notepad and work my way through my day.  What’s got to happen at such and such a time and think a bit further and then put down X and for it to happen at such and such a time;  this sure helps to relieve stress for that kind of situation.

Counsellors – can be tricky – unloading to basically a complete stranger.   I guess that’s an unavoidable happening with who-ever we eventually choose.  An option with this is perhaps to write things down – your stressors and anxieties, etc and maybe if you felt ok by going back or even with a new person sometime in the future, you could work through your list;  where you don’t have to open up and initially speak about them.  Just a thought.

With regard to occupying yourself through an interest – I guess it all depends on what does interest you?  And for whatever it is, have you been able to research and investigate whether there are any organisations or clubs that you may be able to have a look at?   Definitely don’t be joining up straight away – just try and suss it out from a distance and see how it goes.

I knew of someone who wanted to join a tennis club, but was too afraid – but after some time, she’d go along and watch;  then got their email address and wrote a message.  Eventually met up one-on-one with a person from the Club, and got comfortable that way.  After a couple of months they were representing their town in tennis and could be on their way for a shot at the Australian title.  Ok ok, the last sentence might not be all true, but after a couple of months, they had gotten involved with the club, and were playing on a regular basis and had also made some friends;   and doing something like that, it’s also friends who are like-minded, doing something that they all enjoy.

That was just one example and whether it fits or suits you, I’m not sure, but I always like that story, as I was kind of involved in the background with that person.

Kind regards

Neil

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi BasilThree,

Thanks for your post and reaching out again.

I'm sorry that you had some frustrations with seeing a counsellor. I know that it can be hard to verbalise how you feel, but it can be incredibly useful - not only are you getting a total outsiders opinion, no judgement, but it's also just about you!  Unfortunately we can't really get that in any other relationships.

I know that money can be an issue but there is a way to work around it.  You can potentially get a referral from your GP to see a psychologist which should allow so many visits in a calendar year totally free.  Alternatively, perhaps looking at a Mental Health nurse or a Social Worker in a Community Centre?  Often they are heavily subsidised. To find out more info you could try this link : https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/who-can-assist

Another option which might be worth considering is Mindspot.  It's a free telephone and online service with anxiety and depression.  You don't need a referral or a diagnosis to be eligible for the program, and it's all over the Internet and phone.  I've done the program before and found it especially helpful - plus it's free.  That might be a good option to help give you that accountability/support that you need.

Hope this helps - might be worth considering anyway.

Take care,

[Trav79]

Hi Basil, I am new to this site.  I ended a 7 year relationship 1 month before a wedding 18 months ago to begin a new relationship. Now I have never cheated on anyone had affairs or anything I just became close with someone and fell for them.

 I had issues with anxiety having to call off a wedding to my long term partner and put it down to stress, I then suffered anxiety with my new partner.

 My biggest regret earlier this year was ending the relationship with my girlfriend when I should have just told my girlfriend and asked her to work through it with me. Instead I pushed her away in the end telling her we could never be together.

 I tried to re establish some sort of relationship with my fiancé. We just didn't have the same passion anymore and I guess I was looking for the home I had lost.(But that's a whole deeper issue)

My girlfriend waited around for a while but once she realised I was hanging out and possibly getting back with my ex she had enough and moved on with a new guy whom she seems very happy with.

I am now in trouble because I am all alone again something I never wanted to be I have worked with a counsellor in fact I have found two that I trust and most importantly feel comfortable with.

 This also never would have happened if I had have spoken to my girlfriend and just told her I am struggling with the guilt and the stress over leaving my fiancé a month before the wedding, a recent promotion from work and the fact that I am a reasonably high level exec and my boss was putting pressure on me having quote a "stable relationship".

I go to bed a night and feel like everything is going to be ok but most mornings I wake at 4-5am and start thinking: How could I have done this, why has this happened to me I have treated women so well my whole life, I'm cursed, I'm never going to have a family and if I really get would up I just feel like I want to die.

 I would advise, finding a proper therapist you feel comfortable with. My poor fiancé went to see one when we had just called off the wedding and she was told it was all her fault. If I had been with a good therapist this whole mess never would have happened. 

Also you have to be able to talk to your partner, explain how you are feeling and ask for his support, if he is a good guy I think you might find it will bring you closer. I know it would have in my relationship.

 If all starts going well please let me know I need to hear some good news stories 🙂

[BasilThree]

Hey Trav,

First off I want to apologise for the delay in responding! secondly, well done for sharing that story. it really moved me. I'm not sure how you're going now, but you seem to have some pretty good self reflection happening, I hope you're kicking some goals 🙂

I have good news. I booked a session for EAP through my employer a while back, and had the appointment this week. It seems like I can relate to the counsellor (yay!) and have a couple of free services through my work. The thing I found best though, was because it was employment related I talked only about problems at work -and she could understand and was quiet logically minded. It also took the pressure off delving into 'all the things I'm anxious about', which is the way counselling sessions have gone for me before. You know, the 'lets talk about your relationship with your Mother before we go any further' conversation. The fact is I spend so much time thinking about my anxiety (half the time not even in an anxious way, it can be the natural way my brain flows) that it was good to actually talk about one specific issue, instead of my verbally self diagnosing myself in an gr8, which is the way things have gone in other sessions... Hope that makes sense.

Now the other good thing I did this week was meet up with a fella who coordinates a community garden. I've thought about doing this for months, and finally made the first step. For me though, the first step is easy, its that second one that is the hardest - all these thoughts/scenarios start to accumulate way before I even start the activity. Any tips on managing that? I tend to just try to stop the thoughts, just shut them down, but I swear my brain and my heart and polar opposites, and if I shut one down the other takes over in those anxious thought processes. Even if succeed in quieting those thoughts I often still 'forget' about the activity, or make some reason to avoid it entirely.

I've ALSO started doing 1 minute meditations at different times during the day, to calm my thoughts. It's nice.

I am of course wary of doing too much too fast...I have the tendency to keep looking looking looking for those 'lightbulb moments'so that I'm suddenly fixed. I still find it hard to see how I can rid myself of anxiety,it really seems to sabotage so many aspects of my life.

Anyway, I'm enjoying this dialogue. I thank you all for your responses.