Mistake at work and rumination

[ruminator_]

Hi everyone,

I have struggled with anxiety my whole life. I have never been formally diagnosed or visited a psychologist (except for a one off visit when I was little) and strongly suspect I have ocd. 

I constantly ruminate and obsess over things that I’ve done in the past and doubt myself to the point where I could pretty much convince myself of anything.

Yesterday I had a bad day at work and received a disgruntled parent phone call that could have been avoided if I had handled a situation a different way. At the time, I did as much as I could do but hindsight is 20/20 and there were other things I also could have tried to help the situation before resorting to other solutions. I just can’t believe I overlooked it!

I know this all seems vague but I’m paranoid and have never sought personal advice online.

 It wasn’t the end of the world and I talked to my manager who I’m close to about it and she agreed that I could’ve done things differently but said not to worry about it. Except, I AM worrying about it! 

Last night I thought I had put it to rest but now I’ve woken up this morning and can’t stop obsessing over it. What if this and what if that, what’s going to happen now, is this going to keep getting brought up etc. 

I am a perfectionist and have a huge fear of making mistakes. I don’t tend to usually and have become quite confident in my role and always try to remember to not become complacent because that’s when things can go wrong. I don’t think I was being complacent with this particular situation but now I’m thinking I must’ve to have overlooked something so simple.

I’m really beating myself up over it. While I know the world didn’t end, I keep going over everything the parent scolded me about and can’t stop thinking about how I handled the situation leading up to the call. This parent isn’t the most rational so I feel like it’s going to come up again which also worries me. 

I just don’t know how to move on from it and stop my intrusive, obsessive thoughts from taking over. I try to be present and in the moment but I feel like I can’t enjoy my weekend now because I have to sort it out in my head first and rationalise my actions.

I usually find comfort in learning about mistakes other people have made at work and knowing that they would have handled the situation the same way. A coworker said she has done and would’ve done the same thing as me but it still isn’t helping me get over it.

Sorry for the rambling, my thoughts are all over the place! I know it doesn’t seem like what happened was a big deal because I haven’t explained what exactly occurred in great detail but it’s probably one of the biggest oversights I have made at work in a long time. 

Any guidance or help would be much appreciated!! 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

In the 10+ years I've been here, without any tertiary qualification, using my lived experience, imagine the number of mistakes I've made giving advice to members here? Perfectionism is not often a positive, it is your standards that work against you. Better to accept yourself as human and only humans make mistakes. In my past employment if a manager was unfair to me over my mistakes I'd tell them that "only humans make mistakes and only fools make them twice".

In these situations time is your friend, in a week or two no one will remember the mistake, if they do then they are unreasonable. The work reasonable is a profound word that describes what a our boundaries of expectation should be. Yes, being reasonable is different for everyone but most people are within the corral of the similar level. If someone doesnt think you are being reasonable then arguing isnt justified "well you think I'm unreasonable and I think I am so lets disagree agreeably". Thats the end of that conversation. You cant force someone to see your viewpoint and they are entitled to theirs.

It seems you have a dewlling issue, your mind is going over and over the same topic. I had this also and trained myself not to. Moving on isnt easy when your mind- has a mind of its own. So the following threads will help you. You only need to read the first page.

 https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/who-cries-over-spilt-milk/td-p/43088

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/nip-it-in-the-bud-ideas/td-p/66816

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/bullying/td-p/110101

Reply anytime

TonyWK

[ruminator_]

Hi, 

Thank you so much for your response! Yes, I am definitely aware of how perfectionism isn't always a good thing - I very much wish I didn't place so much value in it. My self-doubt and fear of failure are in constant battle with my need to not make mistakes and do the right thing. I have trouble letting things go and am good at allowing things like this to consume me when things go wrong. I hate disappointing and inconveniencing other people as it makes me feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame - which is how I'm feeling about my current situation. 

Thank you for rationalising this for me and sharing your experience and those links. I particularly enjoyed this quote: "Only humans make mistakes and only fools make them twice." I've been working on rewiring my brain for many years now but I still have a long way to go, however, things like this help me.

Again, thank you for your response - this is the only time I've reached out for help in all the years I have suffered from anxiety and you're the first person who has reached out to me so I am incredibly grateful!

[Fiatlux]

Hi ruminator,

Without asking what you do for a living, I will just assume that you are working with children. The most important yet challenging clientele, with parents who are even more difficult to deal with.

The phone call from the disgruntled parent should never have happened. I can’t imagine what was said but parents can be a little irrational but very defensive of their children.

I am a mum of 3 young adults and I have been there and seen a lot of bad behaviour from both children and parents in the past years. 

I vowed that I would be helpful and supportive of my children’s educators and that included sports and recreation coaches and facilitators.

If I was in the wrong or even right I would approach said Teacher and calmly and politely have my say and hear the response. There have been occasions when I could have flipped out, especially concerning an awful incident involving my 5 year old daughter. But I stayed as calm as I could.

I didn’t want to make a phone call as I felt that I would possibly lose control and get heated. It is easier to be more aggressive over the phone and possibly wouldn’t happen in a face to face.

I did have a quiet face to face with my daughter’s teacher and as I thoroughly liked her I felt more comfortable discussing the situation. I did tell her that I understand that she was following instructions and guidance from her superiors but I asked her to express my concerns to the decision makers higher up and I will make myself available to them if they thought that I was out of line in anyway. She said that she will pass on my concerns and she did. She came back to me and confirmed that Principal had heard and reassured her that the situation would not happen again.

I don’t know what your workplace procedures are when dealing with parents, but maybe approach the parent if appropriate and just simply offer an apology. I know it can be stressful but, you would feel a lot of relief if you can clear the air with this parent.

I don’t know if the parent allowed you to speak in the earlier telephone call, but now that you have had a couple of days to reflect on your mistake, I think a simple sorry could fix it. Often sorry is all the parent needs to hear that they have been acknowledged.

Good luck and don’t feel too bad. As a parent, some of us can be A***oles some of the time. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[ruminator_]

Hi Fiatlux, 

This has really helped me feel better, thank you! Yes, I work at a school but not as a teacher. The mistake I made was not exploring more options and overseeing some solutions before making a final decision regarding a student. It wasn't too much of a big deal but her reaction, mixed in with my anxiety and self-doubt, has caused me so much anxiety. 

In my role, I deal with many parent phone calls and have always had a really positive rapport with parents and students alike. I have always been able to ease parents over the phone and show great empathy for their grievances which, the majority of the time, gets them back on side.

When I spoke to the parent on the phone, she was very angry but allowed me to explain my side of the situation. However, she is not very rational and very high-maintenance and repeated herself multiple times which made it awkward. I apologised profusely and admitted to my oversight and told her that I was unaware of the processes that had been put in place for her student but knew how to approach the situation in future. She continued to be aggressive but after my fourth apology, she begrudgingly said, without sincerity, "that's alright." 

I think what rattled me this time was that this was the first heated parent call that was aimed directly at me and my actions. I know I could have approached the situation differently which is why I am punishing myself so harshly. I understand her side completely and know that I should've done more before resorting to the final decision. I fear it makes me seem incompetent which I know I'm not but it's hard to shake the feeling. 

At the end of the day, it happened and I just have to move on. I apologised and admitted to my mistakes and can't do much else. I just hope she has actually accepted my apology and this whole situation doesn't become a 'thing' with her in future. 

Anyway, I'm babbling! Thank you again for your response. It truly helped to read your perspective as a parent! 

J

[white knight]

When I first had therapy in 1987 at 31yo, I was sceptical. But he began to unravel my issues of righteousness, something you seem to have. So quotes heled me a lot. In short I fought mini corruption at a local council and I worked for them, favours for their political mates and I couldnt agree to it. So eventually he came out with-

"You are a black and white person in a world full of 8 billion people of various shades of grey".

"Nobody is saying you did wrong in your fight but risking your health and family means other avenues should have been pursued".  He went on to say that I could have held a meeting with management and told them that although I disagree with favouritism I prefer to not have any contact with the topic and allow you all to continue with your activities. This would have been ok as it involved only a very small amount of value.

"Your work colleagues are not friends"

Here is one more link.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604

I'm delighted we have helped.

TonyWK

[Ranga-1]

Oh, I know how you feel. I've made errors at work and have gone into a spiral over it. But like you said, you are HUMAN. Your work colleague has told you things will be okay, so they WILL be okay. And so will you. Furthermore, you now have the knowledge to handle the situation differently should it arise again in future. 

You've said this parent is particularly rational, so it's probably more that parent's issue than it is your. It sounds like other staff have had to put up with annoying behavior from this parent, too.  It's not just you.