Lost in my own mind...

[Sarah1303]

Hello all, my name is Sarah, I am 18 years old & a senior in high school. I have been suffering with what I think is depression, anxiety, bi-polar issues, and OCD.

My daily rituals are getting worse & worse. I literally take an hour & half shower, I take three hours to so my make-up... That is.. If I'm constantly moving. If I get side tracked which is more than often the case I take much, much longer. & I refuse to leave my house without it all on. I have pretty much dug myself to believe that I am hideous. I feel like I'm a monster & don't feel comfortable being around anyone other than family without my "face" on.

Each day I awake with horrid anxiety, and debilitate myself from even getting into a shower each night because I dread the tasks that I force myself to do.

When I was about 11 I would self-harm. I'd say that was due to me not having a relationship with my father. He disowns me for some odd reason, he didn't abandon me at birth or as a child or anything yet I feel that having him live with me but still hate me is kinda just as bad.

I see him daily but get no love & there was an incident when I was about 9 or 10 that he fell out of our attic in the middle of the night after moving boxes up there. We think he was tired & decided to rest at the top of the attic stairs. He fell out of the attic face first onto the washing machine, then to the concrete floor. Because he doesn't remember, the doctors lead us to believe that he had to of awoken & thought he was in bed or on the couch & took a step, then he fell. He had to of then come to by the grace of God & he went into the shower to wash off the blood we guess.

Now at the time my little sister & I were sleeping on a mattress on our parents bedroom floor because my uncle & grandma were staying with us so they took my sister & I's room. That night I remember falling asleep to my dad sitting in bed on the phone with his father who lives in another state. I was abruptly woken up in the middle of the night to almost a sobbing kind of laugh. So I figured my dad was still talking with his dad, just laughing about stuff. So I went back to sleep. I hear it again & wake up a second time, this time I see the shower is on & I think... Wait, he can't be on the phone & in the shower at the same time. So I shake my mom awake & say that I hear a weird noise, it sounds like someone is crying.

She brushes it off & tells me it's probably just my uncle on the couch. I fall back asleep & wake up yet once more & am determined to find out what the noise is. I tell her it's coming from her bathroom & the shower is on. She got up & walked into the bathroom. She says it was the worst scene she had ever saw in her life. My dad was sitting down In the shower with severe facial injuries & his fingers & nose were broken. He went through 14 hours of surgery.

My mom & sister used to say that an angel kept waking me up that night & due to my persistency, I "saved" my dad's life because the doctors said bat if he had been in there too much longer he would have bled to death. I don't think of it that I saved his life but I helped him, surely. I just don't understand why he treats me the way he does then if I helped him so grandly. 

Sorry I kinda got way off topic with that story but it's partially why I have felt so depressed for so long. Now, for the past couple months I think about suicide frequently. It scares me. I know that I'm not capable of committing harm to myself to that extent, but I'm afraid that one day all of my in ed struggles will eat me alive & become too much for me to deal with anymore. I think that I'd be at peace if I wasn't living, all I do is the same repetitive, useless stuff day in and day out. It's come to the point where my mother gets extremely frustrated with me. I'm late to school, I use all the hot water, etc etc etc. & my mother is my rock, it kills me to disappoint her. I can't help but think that she as well as my little sister would be better off not having to deal with me all the time. I feel like such a burden. I have told her I think I have OCD before & we researched it somewhat & she says maybe but she doesn't want to self diagnose me, as I don't want to do that either. But I just have this gut wrenching feeling that there is most definitely something wrong in my brain. I haven't been to any doctor for anything like that so now it's to the point where my mom is fed up with "the OCD excuse" she says it's just that I don't care.

Being to school on time isn't a priority to me. I don't even try to change when in reality I go through a mental struggle daily to get myself to change every last daunting task that I do. She just doesn't see it because there is no progress & I feel there never will be. I'm sorry I just really feel the need to vent.

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[Scott_Depression]

Hi Sarah

Congratulations on posting on Beyond Blue – that’s a significant step & you should give yourself a pat on the back for that!

Sounds like you’ve been through more than an average 18 year old would have been through, and that likely means you need more than an average amount of love, help & support.

I’m Bi-Polar myself & have been in really deep depression, suffering from this insidious disease.  From what you’ve written, it sounds like you might be suffering from any or all of the conditions you listed.

I think you really need to go to your local doctor in the first instance – book a longish appointment and they should know how best to help you medically.

I’d suggest, seems you mentioned your Mum is your rock, ask her to come to the appointment with you for support.  Another bad side effect of depression is that it can hamper your thinking, so you may not take all the doctor says in by yourself.  Keep in mind that this stuff is not your fault – you’re fighting against your brain, which is simply not producing the chemicals it should!  It’s NO DIFFERENT to a diabetic needing to inject insulin because their body doesn’t produce it – you’ll perhaps need some medicine (like I do) that gets everything back into balance.

If you don’t know how to ask your mum, perhaps instead write her a short note – be honest & tell her you don’t understand why you feel the way you do, but you feel it’s important to investigate why.  With a bit of luck your mum will be very proud!

I hope you can take the next step & get the support you deserve

Let me know how it goes

Kind regards

Scott

[Scott_Depression]

Hi Sarah

Just letting you know I was checking back in to see how you’re doing – will check back in tomorrow

Kind regards

Scott

[Perkin]

Hi Sarah, yes you really need to see your doctor. For your own sake first and foremost. Also I think I can understand what you are saying about your mum. My own mother has never been to a doctor about her own depression and anxiety and it's hard to not feel frustrated simply because without professional help there is s limit to what can be done. Your mum is probably frustrated and upset by the fact that all her love and support will not make you better. She's worried about you and probably saying things she doesn't mean because she's upset.

[Scott_Depression]

Hi Sarah

Please post if you can & let us know if you're ok.  It'd be great to know whether you have been to the doctors or managed to call them for an appointment.  Realise this can be extremely hard to do when you're unwell, but the benefits can be huge.

Kind regards

Scott