Anxiety and Depression + Trust Issues

[Dexter2748]

Yesterday afternoon I attended my first appointment with a psychologist. She was really amazing and talked a lot about my issues with anxiety and depression. I felt a little numb at the time, almost like I couldn’t believe how much I’ve been through and slightly in denial about my recent (though always been in the back of my mind) suicidal thoughts.  

 I’m 23 years old and my social fears and anxiety controls my life. I’m nervous all the time, feel like I’m always being judged and never really feel worthy of peoples time, this is why I find it hard to sustain friendships. I’ve realised I’m a great actor though, if you were to meet me you wouldn’t have a clue I’m unhappy with my life. It seems to be a trend with people who experience the same issues though.  

After my appointment yesterday I felt happy until a bus driver yelled at me for having insufficient funds on my GoCard. I ended up walking the hour home and just reflected on how lonely I am. At the time I couldn’t think of anyone to call and cheer me up or drive me home. I just walked along a main highway crying my eyes out, once I got home I cried for hours trying to fight off a panic attack. I know I’m trying really hard to get better but at the same time I know it will be a long rough road till I reach my goal.  

 I’m most anxious when dating, I’ve had some bad experiences and find it hard to trust guys now. I’m in a long distance relationship and even though he is very trustworthy and caring I still feel so paranoid all the time. I need to learn to relax and take each day as it comes.

 Does anyone have any advice? I would love to hear stories of long distance relationships that have worked or if anyone has overcome trust issues when it comes to relationships/friendships.   I’m fairly new to the beyondblue forum so I hope this all makes some sense.

[JessF]

This is probably not what you want to hear but I don't think that long distance relationships can work unless its temporary, as in one of you is away working or you've met and intending to move to the same city. Trust issues, definitely know what you mean about the paranoia thing. I used to second guess myself all the time, thinking 'have I annoyed him' or 'is he telling me the truth', and eventually I came to realise that a lot of this was because I was putting so much value on the relationship and letting that define me instead of being my own person and letting a man add to my life, not be the solution to all my problems.

[Mbuna]

Dexter,

Its great to see that you have taken the step to see a psychologist.  It took me 30 years to take that step and i wish i had taken it a lot sooner. A psychologist will be able to help you with some ways of handling the anxiety. I get the paranoia and the feelings of being unworthy. When I was at my worst, I was extremely paranoid about a lot of things.  I too was a great actor (still am). I had to be seen to be strong, but underneath I was a crumbling mess. You are right when you say you have a long road ahead of you but it does not have to be that long. I will give you a few tips that helped me. If they don't work for you, don't get too upset about it. Everyone is different.

Psychologists are great. Some are better than others. They can give you advice but they don't have a magic wand. You have made the decision that you are going to get better. That is probably the biggest step. What we have is a mental condition and it requires a mental approach. If you WANT to get better then you are more likely to succeed. I see a lot of people with depression and anxiety who are so miserable and angry with their lives. A lot of them have had tough lives and have a lot to be miserable and angry about. When you have spent the majority of your life depressed and angry its a very hard cycle to break. Will power is a big tool in fighting this illness. A psychologist or a Councillor will give you an outlet for you to talk about your feelings. They wont judge or gossip about you. To get the most out of your psychologist, you need to be open and honest. Leave the accomplished actress at the door.

Getting over the worry, panic attacks and paranoia is never easy. If you get a panic attack do not treat it as a failure. I found that using the frequency and length of my panic attacks helped me gauge how well i was doing. I used to get panic attacks that lasted for days and i used to get them very frequently. Now i get them occasionally and they only last for short periods. Certain things will trigger the attacks. Staying away from things that trigger attacks is not a bad idea but its not always practical. There are some situations you cant avoid and some things are just random like cranky bus drivers. You cant avoid them but your psychologist should be able to help you with ways of dealing with them. A lot of the time our problem is how we react to things.

Dating is a tricky one. I have had problems with my marriage for years. A lot of the times I would get paranoid and worry about issues that were not even there. One approach i learned to adopt was to expect the worst but hope for the best. Depressed people will often build up false hope in situations and then come crashing down when things don't work out. You are in along distance relationship. Sometimes they work out and sometimes they don't. My advice would be to take things slowly. He seems like a nice guy and you trust him. Enjoy your time together. You are only young. If it does not work out then "hey" you gave it a shot. That makes it a bit easier to move on if things don't go as planned.  That does not mean that you have shut your partner out. All it means is that you prepare yourself just in case things don't work out.

You are only 23. You are still young and i am making the assumption that you are physically healthy. You already seem to have the right attitude so with a bit of help and hard work, I am sure you will be able to tackle this illness head on and win.

Good Luck

Mbuna