Leaving a toxic energy behind

[PsychedelicFur]

Hello there,

a couple of days ago I had come to the realisation that I needed to leave my very destructive and toxic relationship. I found the courage and strength within me to leave.

I had been dating my partner for ten months. And throughout those ten months it had been a very rocky experience. This was my first ever real relationship.

Name calling had been happening when I got anxious. This particular person would get angry with me and start calling me ‘pathetic’ and ‘childish’ when I wanted comfort and hugs during a panic attack.
He told me that the reason he would get angry and treat me poorly was because I made him get that way by being anxious.

when I went to hospital for suicidal thoughts he hadn’t spoken to me all day because of an episode of me overthinking over text prior to that day. He then rang me up and abused me on the phone saying ‘maybe you need to lose me, someone you love in order to realise your a horrible person.’ And ‘if your trying to make me feel sorry for you then you can stop trying.’

he also use to pick on my appearance knowing very well that I had insecurities and issues that led back to my mum being emotionally abusive towards me.
calling me a 6/10. When I hadn’t been asking him to even rate my looks. Telling me I also look embarrassing in my flamboyant clothing. And that I was plus size too when others and even medial professionals tell me I’m not.

he would sometimes not drive me home and I would have to catch the train home by myself without him even walking me to my platform. I felt very unloved and lonely.

then when I would have anxiety episodes and overthink he would ignore me for hours on end by not responding to my calls or text messages. Then blaming me for making him angry. He would say things like ‘if you didn’t do that then I would not have treated you that way.”

Part of me feels very liberated and empowered that I decided to leave. Another part of me feels upset and so very heartbroken.

I know deep down I have done the right thing for my mental health and well-being. And people, who I trust deeply around me have told me so too. As they have watched me face the challenges and pressure this relationship has put me through. I have been reading books about feminism and practicing self care and love routines. As well as reading articles about narcissistic abuse.

I’m in a weird situation,

need some more insight.
PF

[geoff]

Hello PF, if you look up 'Stockholm syndrome' and although you weren't a hostage as it describes in the explanation, but it could be a reason why you miss him, hope that makes sense.

The reason he has blocked you is showing domination over you and it's different to when other people block another person for a reason, so there are several reasons why, but perhaps with you, it's the first explanation.

You are a good person and should never doubt that, logic is telling you one thing, yet your heart tells you another.

You're caught in an unpleasant situation from which it is difficult to free yourself, and although I can't say what you should do, however, let him go, he isn't going to change, not for you or anyone else.

I hope this hasn't upset you because that's certainly not my intention.

Please get back to us.

Geoff.

[PsychedelicFur]

Hello Geoff, how are you?
No, no you did not at all make me upset. Not one bit.

it is a power thing because when I broke up with him, earlier in the piece he blocked me on Snapchat.. which is an app I never even use! So I am thinking it is a power domination thing.

I have heard of Stockholm syndrome, yes. He even jokingly declared once that ‘Everyone only hangs around me coz they have Stockholm syndrome.’
I didn’t know what to think or what to say afterwards.

Many thanks for the response Geoff, helping me gain some more logic instead of internalising the situation and irrationally thinking.

have a wonderful day and I hope you are well.

psychedelicfur

[PsychedelicFur]

Just to clarify he was speaking about himself in regards to why people hang out with him.

[PsychedelicFur]

I have found out that he has been talking to his ex crush. The one’s that house we went to. And the one that he said ‘I just have to come to the realisation that I will never be with her’

the whole time I knew he still loved her. He even admitted later on that a few months when we first started dating he still had strong feelings for her. He has told her twice how he feels and she only sees him as a friend. What is wrong with me? Was I not good enough? How come he couldn’t just love me, the woman he had? How come he isn’t feeling any pain right now? How come he isn’t missing me?

am I not enough?

I’m so confused. I hate love.

[PsychedelicFur]

He use to always bring up how gorgeous he thought this individual was.

maybe I’m not enough or even good enough. Maybe I’m the one who is forgettable and replaceable?

[ecomama]

Hey PF, sorry I've been off your thread... had a lot going on here..

Please do yourself a MASSIVE favour and block him on FB and everywhere else.

When you feel like contacting ex, you can write YOURSELF an email and get all those thoughts out of your system for the moment.

It's ONLY been 2 weeks and that's a nanosecond for a relationship breakup.
You can't "rush" this and thoughts and feelings WILL come up... it's what you DO in reaction to these which is either healthy or UNhealthy for you.

Seriously, you need to THANK yourself for ending this horrible relationship!!
Good enough?? oh come on!

You are and will ALWAYS be way above THAT level....

watch life carefully.... "water seeks its own level".

You DO NOT belong in the cesspool of humanity!

NO WAY!!

The air is so much cleaner up here lol..

Get back to the essential things that you KNOW help you... eating well, getting fresh air, hanging out with nice, trusted friends and family... planning NICE things for yourself to do...

Saying to yourself "Okay once I finish this hour of study, I'm going to .... (I'll put one in lol GO TO THE BEACH) etc etc".

If you've done ALL this and are still seeking to engage your mind in a healthy manner then sign up to VOLUNTEER somewhere... Church Food Pantries are great places to Volunteer... just sayin'.
Simply giving an elderly neighbour some food from your garden or a Community Garden (I just hand it on their fence).

Actions that make you feel good.

The MORE you look after yourself, the MORE you will come to know 100% for sure that this abusive person is an O2 waster.

EMxxxx

[PsychedelicFur]

Hello Em, how are you?
I hope you are well. I’m sorry to hear that things have been a bit hectic for you. Thinking of you.. if that makes any sense haha.

Those are good suggestions. Just thoughts of being replaceable and not good enough float through my mind... he is already moving on. Which is typical to what a narcissist does.

what about if nobody ever loves me or truly genuinely appreciates and cares about me though? I mean, I feel like the whole relationship was a lie and he only had feelings still for her... what did I do to deserve that?

Thank you for dropping past.
here for you too.

please take care.

PsychedelicFur xxx

[PsychedelicFur]

Water seeks it's own level? Hmm interesting. I have looked up what that means as I have never heard of that terminology before. Something within me does need healing, I can fully acknowledge that.

[ecomama]

Hey PF

Yep water seeks its own level.
Wow I've never Googled it! lol I was told this same thing during the aftermath of my D Day years ago... + many other quotes too which I LOVE... like I thought I married my Knight in shining armour but it was just an idiot in tin foil. Hm lol.

I had to Google it to see what you may have read, that's exactly what I meant.
Not that YOU were seeking that ex's level... heck no!
That the ex has flipped you off and is seeking its OWN level.

You LEFT! You knew this wasn't "your level".

Your level is far higher than that.
That's why that r/ship would never work.
ex is broken.
You're NOT.

So from that understanding about water seeking its own level... is to raise your expectations / even promises to yourself about what you want & what you will NOT tolerate in r/ships.
Also to develop those core character traits within you like trustworthiness, steadfastness, reliability, authenticity etc so that you have embodied integrity & emanate it also.
Stephen Covey's book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" is a boomer for this!

I hate to say this so bluntly, but that relationship was NOT about you as a person, in fact it wasn't about you at all!
Narcs don't "see" or know the other person, they only seek "supply".
They can never truly be intimate with another person and I understand that being loved and appreciated for being uniquely YOU is what would most likely be some things you would want from a long term r/ship.

That person could never give you this, only abuse for wanting it... basically abuse for nothing!
So good luck to its next victim.

More about you and lamenting over whether you'll find this or that... I'm sure most of us have these thoughts after a r/ship ends esp if we would like to be in a loving one at some point.

The more you LOVE and APPRECIATE yourself, the more likely you'll attract someone who does also. We could talk about "the next person" and working on self till the cows come home...

for now, my really happy acceptance is KNOWING that we are born alone, travel life more or less alone regardless of r/ships - our journey to the end is alone.

So when we LOVE our-self then we have awesome travelling company lol.

There are no guarantees or promises in life that anyone can guarantee anything to you, anyone else or even themselves BUT If you read Covey's book, you'll develop a "flight path" that is set BY you & can seldom be shaken.

The one thing you MUST do is look after yourself!

EMxxx

[PsychedelicFur]

Hey Em, thanks for the response. Hope you have had a peaceful and lovely evening.

Just dealing with a lot of emotions at the moment. I hope you are doing well. How are you going, really how are you?

One day I will make him regret the decision of not realising that I genuinely, truly loved him. I’ll show him! I know I will and I can. I’m so determined. Determination can be a scary but wonderful thing.

Yes, I had to google that terminology as I have never heard it before. I’ve learnt something new today, haha!

thank you for teaching something today. I greatly appreciate it.

many thanks,

PF