FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Leaving a toxic energy behind

PsychedelicFur
Community Member

Hello there,

a couple of days ago I had come to the realisation that I needed to leave my very destructive and toxic relationship. I found the courage and strength within me to leave.

I had been dating my partner for ten months. And throughout those ten months it had been a very rocky experience. This was my first ever real relationship.

Name calling had been happening when I got anxious. This particular person would get angry with me and start calling me ‘pathetic’ and ‘childish’ when I wanted comfort and hugs during a panic attack.
He told me that the reason he would get angry and treat me poorly was because I made him get that way by being anxious.

when I went to hospital for suicidal thoughts he hadn’t spoken to me all day because of an episode of me overthinking over text prior to that day. He then rang me up and abused me on the phone saying ‘maybe you need to lose me, someone you love in order to realise your a horrible person.’ And ‘if your trying to make me feel sorry for you then you can stop trying.’

he also use to pick on my appearance knowing very well that I had insecurities and issues that led back to my mum being emotionally abusive towards me.
calling me a 6/10. When I hadn’t been asking him to even rate my looks. Telling me I also look embarrassing in my flamboyant clothing. And that I was plus size too when others and even medial professionals tell me I’m not.

he would sometimes not drive me home and I would have to catch the train home by myself without him even walking me to my platform. I felt very unloved and lonely.

then when I would have anxiety episodes and overthink he would ignore me for hours on end by not responding to my calls or text messages. Then blaming me for making him angry. He would say things like ‘if you didn’t do that then I would not have treated you that way.”

Part of me feels very liberated and empowered that I decided to leave. Another part of me feels upset and so very heartbroken.

I know deep down I have done the right thing for my mental health and well-being. And people, who I trust deeply around me have told me so too. As they have watched me face the challenges and pressure this relationship has put me through. I have been reading books about feminism and practicing self care and love routines. As well as reading articles about narcissistic abuse.

I’m in a weird situation,

need some more insight.
PF

79 Replies 79

PsychedelicFur
Community Member

Honestly, he is such an energy draining vampire and toxic influence. I can see some light now. When I was with him I lost interest in my passion for art and creating. Because my time was consumed with sorting out pointless toxic, energy draining fights. Now, I have been drawing more than before. And I’m honestly loving it. It’s a great distraction and people are also really enjoying seeing my art too.

He stopped me from doing the things that I so much loved because all of my time and effort had to be focussed on him. Had to answer the phone when he called. Had to text him back as soon as possible and had to attend to his needs too.

feeling so much more relieved and at peace with myself, even though it has been a few weeks. Going back with him would be like taking one step forward then twenty steps back. Draining, pointless, silly and not ideal for my future.

Worth more than that,

PF.

Dear PF what an incredible, insightful post to read!

YOU ARE WORTH WAAAAAY WAY MORE THAN THAT. No truer words ever spoken lol.

I don't completely understand the "pull" towards toxic ppl BUT it's a thang!
I felt trapped by the marriage and "family" construct.

Thankfully demon is gone now!

We do indeed waste SO much time and energy on these ppl in a close relationship.
It reminds me of the Narcissist's "view" of relationships being they are the King and they have servants.
Not equals, just ppl to use and work FOR them.

Extremely demanding.

You sound so much like my eldest daughter, Alexa - not her real name lol... she's been through this with her ex so many times...
I was astounded that she could SEE and NAME all the things ex was doing yet somehow couldn't quite escape the pull back to him.

When she was going back, I began COUNTING the times she left in front of her...
apparently it takes an average of 17 times for a woman to leave an abusive partner!
I said we're nearing 17!

But it could be 117 and ofcourse some poor women never escape. God Bless them.

Alexa's art flourished during these times...
She's only now allowing herself to deeply grieve and cry over it all. Hugs to you both.

Praying you go from strength to strength PF and I'm 100% sure you will!

Love EM

PsychedelicFur
Community Member

Hello hello Em, how are you going? I hope you are well. How has your day been so far?

how is your daughter coping? What type of art does she create?

i loooooove art. I enjoy creating.

I feel so much better without him, my mind is at peace.

PF Xx

hi PF

thanks for sharing

no judgements here, re what ur ex said about u. I have heard some things myself and as I said - at the time 28 years young.

Attacks on my character or whatever between insistences that if it was up to him we'd be married yesterday. Why would someoene who thinks so lowly of u be with u?
They wouldn't... i reckon they think highly of u and ur a beautiful person inside and out, however ppl try and bring u down and shatter self-esteem. As women, we often have little insecurities. Things that truly make us beautiful and special etc but maybe we don't feel so good about them....until we learn to love ourselves. And sadly those are the areas that are targeted. Because they sense a soft-spot there.

PF i don't know if it means more or less because I can't see you - but u are ATTRACTIVE SMART AND STRONG

Thank you so much for your lovely response.

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Agree 100% Sleepy, PF MUST be a wonderful, smart and intelligent young woman... Artistic too!

Hey PF
Thanks for asking, I'm doing well considering so much on atm.
ALL GOOD.

What type of Art does Alexa do?? Umm she'd be better at answering really... she paints with a few different mediums, sketches, has done some beautiful digital art (from photos). She's very creative with other crafts too - just made the kids THE most amazing Minecraft Easter Hats for their EH Parade! lol.

What type of art do you do?

Alexa's also studying her next degree in Psychology and working tons of hours etc etc.

Today she filmed her and I in a mock Counselling session for her Course.
When she watched it back she said "WE NAILED IT! omg!" lol... yeah well I'm an old hat at Counselling sessions!

I found out today that her friend is learning how to do Animation... I had a dream about 5y ago about the complete cycle of DV but the dream was an ANIMATION. SO amazing, so weird!
I tried to find someone to make it for me to share.... couldn't at the time, too many Courts etc.

Her friend MIGHT be willing to do this animation with me! It could be VERY educational for people in jobs who support DV Victims.
And another from a formidable Dream I had that turned out to be prophetic... that dream had a HUGE impact on the direction of my life, Thank God I paid attention to it.

How's study going?

I wanted to ask if you had a PT job or such?

You're doing SO WELL. I Thank God you got out of that relationship "early". Hugs!

Love EM

Hello there Em, thank you for getting back to me. What a lovely message. Your daughter sounds incredibly talented and very articulated.

Interesting choice of art!! I looooove sketching and a bit of painting. I mainly do psychedelic art pictures inspired from artists such as Peter Max art.. so colourful and vibrant WHICH I SIMPLY ADORE. Or I do a lot of realism and portraits of my favourite singers and influential people etc.

I’m studying a university course which mainly focusses on writing at this current moment. I love reading, writing and drawing. I have an admiration for journalists, writers and illustrators.

That is so great about your daughter and you recording a mock up psychologist session. Love that!! Bet it was wonderful.

I do a lot of community work at the moment.

Creative people are my favourite type of people. They are so unique and definitely perceive the world from a different angle or light. I thoroughly enjoy seeing people’s perspectives or interpretations of the world and it’s issues represented through their art.
Recently, I drew a picture of a member from my favourite band that resonates with late seventies, early eighties art rock!!!

All the best. Take care of yourself Em. Sending hugs, cups of tea, fliers and positive thoughts your way.
PF. Xx 🌈☮️🌞

Thankyou PF, same to you too!

lol peace love and mung beans!

Your interest in music is from my teen and early 20s time lol. I was so lucky to be able to see so many bands from that time... I wish I could USB those experiences for YOU! hahaha.

Alexa has a website that she sells some art thru. Her first sale, was to a lady who TATTOOED Alexa's art on to her body! I was horrified and Alexa said it was the biggest compliment she could've received.
I get that.

She's also very musical, being able to play lots of instruments which is AMAZING. She only had 6 month's piano lessons and can play almost anything, then taught herself how to play the guitar, flute and other stuff.
Yvette's the same musically but has an added angelic voice with a vocal range same as Mariah Carey... when she sings, well I can't explain it. She's VERY shy so won't sing in front of an audience any more but she dances and does that.

The boys are creative in engineering type ways, construction, IT and thinking of left field solutions - well we're all left field thinkers lol!

I'm always in awe of young people like you and my kids.

We have SO MUCH of Alexa's art hanging in every room (except the loo lol) and a few sculptures too. Now her children's art hanging also lol.

Creating is so soothing.
I mostly "create" solutions for my workplace which is never ending.
I love to think of ways to improve my huge garden which suffered years of neglect and was / is pretty much trashed by demon.
Still I'm getting there and I'm happy with that.

Inside our home, I'm on the slightly "minimalist" journey lol. MAN THERE'S so much to do there!
We expelled 8sq metres of rubbish AGAIN in January and wow... it was awesome.
demon dumped rubbish here even AFTER we got it out, but for decades b4 that too.
(See what I mean about escaping early! hahaha).

Blue's minimalism thread was wonderful support.

Better get this day started.
Need to buy new tools from Bunnings to put some new furniture together.
We're replacing all the broken furniture he damaged.
Last year I bought ALL new kitchen appliances and it still makes me ZING when I walk in there lol.

Love EM

Honestly I love that. You sound like a loving and such a proud mother. Amazing!! The kids sound super talented and very intelligent individuals.

Playing instruments, doing art and being heavily involved in the engineering side of things. Wow!! I’m blown away.

I have had a story once published many moons ago. And I do art, writing and I use to play drums and I was self taught on the alto saxophone.

AMAZING!!!!

PsychedelicFur
Community Member

Missing him and wishing things had been far different between us. I know he was/is incredibly toxic and I have no second thoughts about my decision, I definitely made the correct decision by leaving him. I’m just grieving over the partner I wish I had. The way he was in the beginning.. I wish things were far

different but they turned out this way. I still care about him and I don’t wish him any ill luck. I just hope that one day he can realise that his behaviour was what caused our relationship to finish. He probably won’t realise and if or when he does realise it will be far too late. Hopefully one day he realises is what he truly did wrong. Until then I will be strong and carry on!!

I don’t think he is grieving but let again maybe narcissists only grieve over the fact that they no longer have a supply..