Leaving a toxic energy behind

[PsychedelicFur]

Hello there,

a couple of days ago I had come to the realisation that I needed to leave my very destructive and toxic relationship. I found the courage and strength within me to leave.

I had been dating my partner for ten months. And throughout those ten months it had been a very rocky experience. This was my first ever real relationship.

Name calling had been happening when I got anxious. This particular person would get angry with me and start calling me ‘pathetic’ and ‘childish’ when I wanted comfort and hugs during a panic attack.
He told me that the reason he would get angry and treat me poorly was because I made him get that way by being anxious.

when I went to hospital for suicidal thoughts he hadn’t spoken to me all day because of an episode of me overthinking over text prior to that day. He then rang me up and abused me on the phone saying ‘maybe you need to lose me, someone you love in order to realise your a horrible person.’ And ‘if your trying to make me feel sorry for you then you can stop trying.’

he also use to pick on my appearance knowing very well that I had insecurities and issues that led back to my mum being emotionally abusive towards me.
calling me a 6/10. When I hadn’t been asking him to even rate my looks. Telling me I also look embarrassing in my flamboyant clothing. And that I was plus size too when others and even medial professionals tell me I’m not.

he would sometimes not drive me home and I would have to catch the train home by myself without him even walking me to my platform. I felt very unloved and lonely.

then when I would have anxiety episodes and overthink he would ignore me for hours on end by not responding to my calls or text messages. Then blaming me for making him angry. He would say things like ‘if you didn’t do that then I would not have treated you that way.”

Part of me feels very liberated and empowered that I decided to leave. Another part of me feels upset and so very heartbroken.

I know deep down I have done the right thing for my mental health and well-being. And people, who I trust deeply around me have told me so too. As they have watched me face the challenges and pressure this relationship has put me through. I have been reading books about feminism and practicing self care and love routines. As well as reading articles about narcissistic abuse.

I’m in a weird situation,

need some more insight.
PF

[PsychedelicFur]

Thank you Em. How are you? Hope you are well. Hope you did some nice things for yourself today.

I will try and have a bubble bath or do something really nice for myself.

The bad words he said about me being ‘unattractive’ and ‘chubby’ are playing on my mind.

In a bad state of mind at the moment with all of his negative thoughts bombarding my head. Some days, so far have been easy. Today, I have seem to get into the trap of hearing his voice say those sharp and cruel words to me.

Lots of love,

PsychedelicFur. xxx

[ecomama]

Hi PF

I'm doing well considering the awful news we got this week, so I'm trying to practice GRATITUDE as much as humanly possible. (I heard a program today that mentioned gratitude, empathy and mindfulness as great antidotes to anxiety - confirmation there 🥰).

Look, absolutely no bones about it, that ex was so toxic.

demon ex from over this way was horrid with saying stuff like that...
I heard everything....

In the end (which was really the beginning lol) I said "You have no credibility to say that to me".

If you have Netflix you could watch "Embrace".
You might have a cry IDK it's pretty awesome that show.
It's about accepting our beautiful bodies regardless of what others say OR what the media represents.
(There's ALL the Brene Brown stuff online too which is gold for everyone IMO).

Another rebuff I would say to demon, and also in my head, was "the people who LOVE me don't make comments like that"

this is true.

So if WE love ourselves, which I'm certain we DO....(that's an affirmation there lol) then we don't let that shyte pass.

I'm more than 3x older than you and I love my wonderful body!

It's AMAZING.
It heals and works for me so well.
It grew the most awesome babies and fed them all too!

Another truth of the matter is >>>> these controlling abusive ppl appear to have a specific M.O... when they KNOW they've "got" a person WAY too good for them, they have to work darned hard to belittle them, bring them down... in the hopes they will diminish their victim... so they will be brainwashed to stay.

Like he's a catch hey?
Nup.

The best reaction is to live your best life PF and you are doing that to your full capacity.

AFFIRMATION TIME lol... write them UP for yourself!
Gosh I've done this for decades lol.

It's funny and cute to see my own affirmations to MY SELF, I often laugh and say awwww.

It's all okay. You ended it which gives you a chance for your own healing.

EMxxxx

[PsychedelicFur]

Thank you gorgeous Em. xxx

[geoff]

Hello PF, if you were to say Happy Birthday to him, then you are opening the door for him to take advantage of the situation again, that's what you don't need for your own recovery.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[PsychedelicFur]

Geoff, you are absolutely right. It would harm my recovery. And I don’t really need that right now. Thank you!!!

[PsychedelicFur]

I miss him. But he is bad for me. I know he is. I really truly know he is bad.

[ecomama]

You are so much more than welcome.

This time is a really tentative and probably "dangerous" time... when you've ended it BUT had some really strong feelings...

Please PLAN SOME FUN TIMES with safe ppl like trusted friends and family.

IDK if you're realising that when you're alone your mind "goes back" to ex?

Your mind probably WILL go back to ex after the fun you've had, possibly even WHILE you're wherever you are trying to have fun....

But catching yourself or "interrupting" that feedback loop of going around and around on the replay mouse wheel is important.

Bringing yourself into the PRESENT time.
The precious present!

Enjoying this moment to the best of your capacity.

I know you're already like this.

I went to the movies today with my grandchildren and eldest daughter.
The movie "Tom and Jerry" was way too long for the kids (and me tbh lol) but it was fun.

I got to get "dressed up" out of my house clothes, put make up on wow lol, and just do something different and be with ppl I love and who love me!

You've got this.
NC all the way.

Love EM

[PsychedelicFur]

Hi there,
I really miss my emotionally abusive and narcissistic ex boyfriend. The temptation to text him has been strong, unfortunately. I definitely never want him back as a partner or even friend, at the moment. I just really truly miss him. I broke up with him because he was treating me badly. And I needed to do the best for myself. As my mental health was declining, quite severely. I just really miss our connection and the way it use to be between us before the abuse started.
I mean, distractions help me. Just for so long though. I can be writing, reading or drawing but after a while I remember him and I begin to miss him. I literally broke up with him a couple of weeks ago and I haven't really cried much. On the day I broke up with him I was on the way to university and I attended my classes for the full day. Now though, I'm really recognizing that I'm hurting so much. Haha. And I really miss the bond we had together. I recognize it was a trauma bond. I know I deserve SO MUCH BETTER but I'm just so depressed and grieving. I did not need his abuse and I know he was bad for me but I really just hope one day he realizes that he loved me but he treated me so badly and I couldn't be with him. I have really been suppressing my feelings lately. And obviously that is not ideal. He really convinced me that I was so unlovable and childish. I cried a little bit, last week but my heart is aching and I'm hurting so bad now. Feeling horribly lonely.

Feeling not too great at the moment,
PsychedelicFur xxx

[PsychedelicFur]

Today, has been a lovely day. I ate a delicious dinner, I created some art and I also listened to some funky music. What did you do today that you are happy about?
However, I am still feeling a little down.

I unblocked my ex a couple of days ago because I thought I could just have them unblocked. And then when I looked tonight he had blocked me..

I’m starting to gaslight myself by thinking maybe I was the one in the wrong. Maybe I hurt him.. even though I use to overthink so much and get so anxious.

why would he of blocked me again? Did I hurt him? I haven’t even said anything to him. And I’m not starting a smear campaign by telling my close family members and friends what he said and did to me.

am I going insane? Did I say or do something without realising that it had hurt him? I still care about him, to some degree so this actually frustrates me because why would he block me?

I’m starting to question whether or not I am a good person or not.

like I thought we could just not have each other blocked on social media and tonight he blocked me... I don’t really know why. Maybe he is hurting? Maybe he is ashamed?
maybe I have done something to make him upset?

I’m worried now. Because I’m scared that he is holding a grudge on me.

[PsychedelicFur]

It was meant to be *holding a grudge against me* my apologises haha