Just wanting to reach out to like-minded people

[chriscollected]

Hey guys.

A recent member that’s decided to make the jump to join the beyondblue forums about just venting about things that i’ve been building up for far too long. I apologise but I guess this was more of a call-out for any likeminded people that are in a similar mindset or maybe anyone that’s been through a similar situation and can provide some insights to build a more positive mentality.

Over the course of about 6-12 months, i’ve begun to feel lost and lonely throughout my daily life. My partner is living a great life, great job, has a vast range of supportive and humble friends that all love her dearly. She’s been streaming on Twitch for 6 months beginning during the peak of the covid pandemic. To relieve stress and anxiety. I respect what she’s done and has been doing a great job with it.

After a few months, I decided to make the decision to follow in the same path with streaming. This was the start of feeling sad and alone all the time. I wanted to reach out to people and place myself on an online platform where I knew I wouldn’t feel as alone as I were.

Doing this though had caused multiple panic attacks with my anxiety flaring up about being on camera, speaking out loud and “performing” for viewers. I started to feel as though if streaming were to cause more anxiety with little to no increase in feeling less alone, I decided to pull the plug and end it.

I tried to take the plunge and join my partners circle of streaming friends to bond and connect with new people. Coming out of my comfort zone with new people is a really hard thing for me, yet I’ve felt nothing but resistance and that the group would have little to no care if I just decided to disappear.

Though streaming is still something I want to push through...

I’m now stuck in a rut where my self-confidence and self-esteem is at an all time low and my anxiety, stress and loneliness is at it’s peak.
It’s beginning to make every day become a blur and a waste. It really makes me question what am I actually achieving for myself right now?
I just don’t like where my headspace is and wanted to reach out to anyone/anything before it got worse.

If anyone reads this. Thank you.

[chriscollected]

Edit: I forgot to mention that I’m finding it difficult to speak with my partner about these concerns of mine.
I guess I don’t want to give off the impression that this loneliness feeling is her fault. As she’ll very much blame herself.

[Croix]

Dear Chriscollected~

Welcome here to the Support Forum, a pretty good move as many here have had similar problems of feeling lost and lonely in their ordinary lives.

I guess there are several things that spring to mind.

Obviously being on social media is not for you, and trying to force yourself is only going to set yourself up for defeat. As for your partner's associates on her channel it is not realy surprising they are only polite, after all it is your partner they want to interact with.

A downside of this has been your partner, who works already, is now spending more time away from you, so all else being equal you would feel lonely anyway.

Perhaps there are several things you might like to consider, the first being that if you have felt life has become a waste and your coincidence and self esteem very low over an extended period perhaps you should visit your GP in an extended consultation and explain how you have been feeling.

Have a thorough physical bad Mental Health examination and see if there is a cause, for example I suffer from an anxiety contradiction together wiht a few other things , and felt as a result very much as you describe.

Are there things that you enjoy doing just for yourself? To have something to look forward to each day is not being selfish, a degree of self-reward is good, and in hte long term I found makes one feel better about oneself.

The other thing is this, you said you had a partner. Partnership means looking after each others and caring for them. When troubles come along -and these feelings are indeed a trouble - I believe they should be faced together.

OK after you talk your partner may realise her activities are having an adverse effect on you, the obvious answer is to cut down a bit and spend more time with you. I'm sure you would emphasize that she has needs and unintentionally left you alone, being unaware of yours. If my partner was suffering I'd want to know, then try to do something about it.

Sometimes one builds up reasons for not doing things, can I suggest that concern for your partner feeling guilt may only be part of the reason you are reluctant to speak out

What do you think?

Croix

[chriscollected]

Thank you for replying, Croix. It’s very motivating and positive to hear from someone.

Seeing my GP has definitely been the way to go but I’m just constantly having the issue of dealing with GPs that I’m not too familiar with.
I just recently moved away from my family (over the past year) and my partner and I have just been going to our bulk bill GP clinic, which each GP is very rushing and just don’t particularly listen. It’s definitely something i’ve been researching into and will be asking friends recommendations on anyone they dearly trust. It would be nice to have my own go-to GP.

I have recently sorted an EAP session on Wednesday through my work with a counsellor as I’ve been through EAP before and it definitely was a bit motivating. Heck, it’s another step to doing something.

Things that I enjoy doing myself. To be honest, I used to. Generally, I would love to sit down and play a game on my days off with the intent to progress farther than I do with them. I tend to find myself stressing out about using too much of my spare time playing video games and tell myself that it’s a waste of my time. So generally, I find myself thinking about what I want to do on a certain day... but not actually achieve anything.

I 100% agree with all your points about my partner. I have no doubt that will happen if/when I speak to her about this. I also don’t want her to make the decision to do less of what she loves purely for my own satisfaction and well-being.

You’re too spot on about everything. Especially with your final point. Feeling of guilt does play a part but I know from my personality that I struggle to express my emotions and thoughts to people. Heck, it took me long enough to even post on an online forum to like-minded strangers.
I tend to struggle with letting my guard down and exposing my vulnerabilities. I generally don’t like to express my emotions or talk to someone when I’m sad. I just sit in silence, instead.

[Croix]

Dear Chriscollected~

I think is the most important thing first, you said

will happen if/when I speak to her

Including an "if" in your statement give you a way out, a path that does not involve telling her, and you can daydream about if you did and all the reasons why not.

Lets turn this around. First if your partner cares about you the it will have been obvious that something is wrong. That is itself is a worry - wondering what's wrong.

Second I would take it as a lack of faith in me if I was not told. Something so serious and I was not trusted/close enough to be told?

Third I would be blaming myself that I had not inspired enough confidence to be told -I'd been the one at fault, probably be appearing selfish to myself..

Of course any loving partner will cut back on what they enjoy for the other, how could they not? I'd even learn to play computer games if it made them happy.

Please to not discard your potentially strongest ally, I believe it will be worse for both of you in the long term. Resentment by you, guilt too- and possibly feelings of isolation and guilt by your partner.

Now the lecture is mostly over,It is simply me relating my history:)

Getting the GP that clicks is hard, but most important and if you have the cash worth paying the gap. EAP is all very well, however if the therapist is payed by your work then you are not their client. This can lead to grave complications sometimes later on.

If you have a private therapist, psychiatrist or psychologist you are the client. There is no conflict of interest and no feeling that your claim should be diminished or pronounced 'cured' prematurely. You may end up bearing the cost, however you are more secure.

So play a video game- set a start tme each evening and play until it is time for bed (hopefully for both of you). Then have the strength of will to stop -even if you are about to take over the galaxy, and put it away for the night,

Otherwise play while your partner is streaming, or get her involved. If not games something else.

Rewarding yourself -I have found - is terribly important, not only does it break up your concentration on is wrong, but if you are rewarded regularly you come to believe you are someone worth rewarding- that's how it worked for me anyway.

Your situation seems poor, but the distance between that and the sort of life I enjoy is smaller than you think, just a few moves, and with an ally they may not seem so hard. Then time and application.

I hope to hear from you

Croix