Just need to get it out of my head

[Atleigh]

I'm having such a low moment I just need to get it out. I don't feel I can say it to friends or family as I can't deal with their reactions too. 

I feel so worthless right now. I put myself out there in two different situations where I would be judged. A dancing competition and applying for a job at higher level in my team. 

Lots of ppl encouraged me to give it a go and I started to hope and feel I had a chance but then I failed at both. Didn't place at all in the dancing and didn't even get an interview for the job. 

So right now I feel like a useless waste of space. I'm disappointed and annoyed that I tried in the first place. I want to just be content at where I am at. I don't really want to advance or be recognised in dancing. But I feel like I need to be validated or something.  Prove something to someone, I don't know. But now I feel so pathetic and wish I just didn't care. 

I know I will get past it. Just not tonight.

[therising]

Hi Atleigh

I feel so deeply for you as you struggle with what sounds like could be your inner critic. To say that our inner critic can become one of our greatest tormentors in life can be an understatement. It can be harsh, horribly brutal, degrading and even deeply depressing on occasion.

I've found that if there's one thing that's going to bring my inner critic to life, from zero to 100 in a split second, it's a sense of failure. For example, if I was to enter a competition where I thought I had a really good chance and I failed to place in the top 5 of that competition, my inner critic could start to really go to town on me with something along the lines of 'What made you think you were any good at this? Who were you kidding? Why do you even bother trying? You're hopeless and you'll always be hopeless' and on and on it can go, until I'm feeling so down to the point where I don't know how to get up. Then my inner critic can do something that I'm not always conscious of. It has me compiling lists. 'Think of all the times where you've failed at something like this'. I can follow the lead of such inner dialogue and start thinking of all the times, all the way back to my childhood in some cases. I'm a 54yo gal, by the way. Some would refer to their harsh and brutal inner critic as one of their so-called 'inner demons' based on the fact it can make life feel like a kind of hell on earth at times.

Logic dictates that if we have inner demons then we must have facets of our self that are a little more heavenly in nature. Tapping into those parts of our self can be a part of the challenge. There's a good reason as to why I like to channel the analyst in me. It tends to analyse the hell out of everything. The good thing about the pure analyst in us is it can take all the emotion out of something, so we're just left with the facts to make sense of. The analyst in me may dictate 'Competition typically works on a grading system. You will be of a high grade, a low grade or intermediate grade, all depending on level of expertise. If you believe you are of high grade and this is not the case, you will feel yourself being degraded by the people who's job it is to judge you and where you sit on a particular grading scale. If you want to be of a higher grade, you may have work to do'. The question becomes about whether I want to do the work or move onto something else of interest.

With me having faced ins and outs of depression since my late teens, I agree that the worst times of the day for depression and inner dialogue can be late at night or in the early hours of the morning. I believe there's a really good reason for this. It's when our inner dialogue is at it's loudest or most intense. So, if we're tapping into what's loud and intense, I figure part of the challenge is about learning to tap into the more divine facets. Easier said than done in some cases, that's for sure. If you were able to tap into your inner sage, perhaps you would hear it say 'You have succeeded in trying (when it comes to the dance comp and job prospect), whereas others in life fail to even try. Give yourself credit where it is due. Be kind to your self as you grow to respect your efforts and your commitment to an admiral level of self development'. The business of self development (developing aspects or facets of our self) can be a tough business at times. If your dream is to develop the dancer in you, go for it. Bring that dancer fully to life. 🙂

[Ben]

Hi Atleigh. I think it's brave that you tried in the first place. I've missed many opportunities in life just because I wasn't brave enough to try. I don't know if they would have worked out but by not trying in the first place, I guaranteed that they couldn't work out. I also think learning how to deal with and accept failure is a growth opportunity in and of itself that I also missed out on. I believe there's a quote from Hugh Jackman:

"What I respect as far as in myself and in others is the spirit of just doing it. For better or worse, it may work and it may not, but I’m going to go for it. Ultimately I probably prefer to be respected for that than whether it works out or not, either winning or losing."

"Lots of ppl encouraged me to give it a go" - so these people have already validated you and because they're people you know, I would suggest their validation matters more than some arbitrary judges, and they already see something there, irrespective of the end result. Just because the official judges didn't doesn't mean all that much other than they were looking for something else. I'm reminded of competitions like America's Got Talent where I'll sometimes an amazing performance, and sometimes the broader audience reacts well too, but some or all of the judges discount it. Doesn't mean anything other than they were looking for something else, according to their own personal preference.

I also recall seeing some amazing performers who lose and in an interview later say they felt really dejected and thought of quitting before they eventually bounced back. So feeling disappointment is natural but the feeling itself doesn't necessarily have anything to do with actual ability. I also read somewhere that one way of coping with disappointment is to return to something you feel comfortable and confident with. It can help restore your sense of worth and prepare you for the next challenge.

Job applications are notoriously fickle and there are many reasons to be unsuccessful that actually have nothing to do with you. It could be the business was simply looking for something very specific, often for candidates who 'look like themselves', which is a common blindspot, or simply that at this particular time, you faced stiff competition. The random timing in life is unfortunately sometimes everything. Really accommodating businesses may be willing to give you constructive feedback regarding your application that you can learn from for the next time. They might also appreciate the fact you were interested enough in the position to follow up on it and keep you in mind if something else comes up later.

"I feel like I need to be validated or something. Prove something to someone, I don't know" - It might be worth considering why you feel this need. It's not necessarily bad but I think the need for external validation is unfortunately often unhealthy these days, largely driven by the rise of social media.

Hope you feel better soon.

[sbella02]

Atleigh,

Thank you for your courage in reaching out, and I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling like this. I think that the advice that Therising and Ben have given is very true, and I'm here to offer my own.

It can be really difficult to deal with the aftermath of not getting a certain outcome when you feel like you've worked so hard for something. I had this experience of disappointment at the end of last year, where I missed out on something that I'd worked so hard towards. In the end, I felt as if it was a good thing, because I would've missed out on so many other events, opportunities, and experiences this year if it had been a success. Of course, it would've opened me up to a world of other opportunities for development, but I'm grateful that this year has worked out in the way that it has. It's also encouraged me to work harder this year in order to be more successful this time around.

I'm a big believer in certain things happening for a reason, and also that we learn a lot more from our 'failures' (I don't like this word because of the negative connotation) than we do from our successes. Of course, it feels great to be successful after we've put so much effort into something, it feels rewarding. Equally, I think there is something to be said about the value in the learning experience that comes along with not getting the outcome we expected or hoped for. Not only does it allow us the opportunity to reflect on what went well and maybe not so well, but we can also reflect on what we've learnt and how this has enriched our development as a whole. I do acknowledge that it can be hard to see it from this perspective when you're in the midst of disappointment.

From the way that you're speaking about these two events, it appears that you not only cared a lot about them, but also put your all into each of them. I think there's also something to be said about this. Putting yourself out there, dedicating time and effort towards achieving a certain outcome, pursuing something that is meaningful to you... that all shows a lot of courage, persistence, and passion, and I think that's quite remarkable.

Here's another question. What advice would you give to a friend or loved one in the same position? What would you tell them or suggest to help them feel better? Sometimes reflecting on things from a more objective perspective like this can help. 

I hope some of this advice resonates with you, and please feel free to keep chatting with us if you'd like, we're here to support you. Please don't feel like you should be giving up on either dancing or advancing your career, there will be plenty more opportunities to do both again and you'd be doing yourself a disservice to push all that passion aside. 

Take care, SB