Is it really worth it?

BlxrryFace · ‎09-07-2022

Hello, I’m new here, I’m BlxrryFace, age 17 and I’m male. I hope everyone is alright. I’ve hopped on today to talk about myself and my issues.

Mental health conditions:

I don’t even know what mental health conditions are, but I’ll list what I think. I have bad anxiety issues, doubt myself everyday, trust issues, lack of sleep, zero confidence, always angry, always tired.

I’ve given up on myself and I know I will never be good enough. I’m tired of trying to live up to the expectations as I’m not even smart. I think I have trauma as a kid Idk. Right now, I’m so tired of living. I’ve always felt like this for years (lost count) and I’m so lost.

I’m tired of helping friends with their issues as no one helps me. I hate myself, I really do. I never talk to anyone about my feelings and problems knowing I will get hurt and judged. I put up the tough act even as a kid, I push away my needs and help those who need it even though I am suffering.

The memories I remember as a child never went away and I get lovely reminders of those memories nearly everyday. My parents divorced, still got my mother and got a stepdad. Things didn’t turn out pretty. They always argued and fought. I was always scared for my mother. Justa scare 5 year old. My mum used to be so happy before he came. I say the past never forgets. I am in the past stuck. What he did to my mother I will never forgive nor forget. And to witness that as a kid will always traumatise me.

I’ve been feeling sad for years now, I don’t deserve anything, I don’t deserve help. I’m just tired. I don’t know what to do, I’m so lost and I know the future for me won’t be anything better than this. I don’t know why I’m writing this. I don’t know if I even need help but everything painful. I wake up sad, go to sleep sad its so tiring. I wonder if its really worth living? I guess the only reason why I’m here is to protect my mother. I don’t believe in friends as they only use you or they are fake. I feel so alone my mother has changed and I can’t blame her.

Do I even need help? I guess I just needed to let my feelings out. Wondered If anyone would listen to me just for once. Maybe because I’m suicidal, maybe thats why I’m here. I don’t know.

I guess this is it, thank you.

BlxrryFace · ‎26-07-2022

Thank you very much Katerina and I wish you well too

BlxrryFace · ‎26-07-2022

Thanks mate, I’m sticking still, I’ll see any gp once I’m older though

BlxrryFace · ‎26-07-2022

Intrusive thoughts, never heard of it. Its alright but thank you, everyone’s comfort here is nice and new. Well I think I’m safe, yeah don’t worry, I’ll try to look at those you have suggested, thank you very much to everyone here supporting me though all this, I feel like I matter, you all have made my day thank you

BlxrryFace · ‎26-07-2022

You’re right, I’ve been dealing with other people’s problems for years and yeah it’s done a great toll for me, and its come to a point of worrying about them constantly, and yeah it’s emotionally draining as well.

I’m not sure but maybe you’re right, to have PTSD over something so little..though its always there, always reminders, any noises or if anyone says a particular sentence or word it triggers it and weighs my mind down..As I can’t go see a gp because of parents, I will go when I’m an adult. Thank you for taking the time to chat with me, I will try to do what everyone has recommended. I’m on kids help line right now, sorry for replying so late to everyone here, I honestly thought no one else would say anything..but thank you! Everyone have a nice day/night and bless you all

ecomama · ‎26-07-2022

Dear BF, so nice of you to come back and reply to your posts. 😍

You are SO AWESOME talking to Kids Helpline!! I am SO PROUD OF YOU!!

What a smart kid you are. 😉

Just some notes on reading through your posts again....

YOU DO MATTER. YOU WILL ALWAYS MATTER. You are the most important person in the world.

It's time to move the goal posts to look after yourself.
You can pop over to the Self-care thread to get some ideas... research says it's one key to being resilient through life, including trauma.

I know people are fake. When you notice this, just remember that they're only being fake because they're scared. Full of fear, mainly in teen years, for not being accepted by their peers. (This can go on throughout life for so many people).

Being authentic in the world takes alot of courage. This means we are vulnerable too.

You have the capacity to get through this and live a VERY awesome life, I can already tell.
Start dreaming and planning lol.

EM

BlxrryFace · ‎27-07-2022

Aw thank you really, it’s nice to have people like you care, I really appreciate it and thank you for emotionally supporting me, it really means alot..! Hah yeah I’ll take a look at that still getting used to this, and you’re right, I’m glad to meet so many kind hearted people like you, I’ll try my best and I do have a dream somewhere

Thank you so much for your support and help, and thank you for telling me that I matter, yes everyone does, and I wish you all the best! I’ll never forget about this and everyone take care, thank you and goodnight<3

smallwolf · ‎28-07-2022

hello there.

sometimes it is good to vent and get things out of your system Yet you did ask some questions throughout your initial post. The one thing that people here are good at is listening (or reading) depends on how you want to read that. It seems as though, at least from what I have been reading from your initial post, there is nobody to listen to you tell you story and what you are going through. Also, there are times when you are there for others that those feelings can rub off onto you. Maybe it is time you look after you.

because you matter!

maybe you will be able to find a community here in which you can talk about things that are troubling you. I hope so.

BlxrryFace · ‎31-07-2022

Thank you, you're right, I want to get better I do, I think I'll make a post about that, thank you for taking your time in replying to my post and I appreciate your wise words!