Is it really worth it?

[BlxrryFace]

Hello, I’m new here, I’m BlxrryFace, age 17 and I’m male. I hope everyone is alright. I’ve hopped on today to talk about myself and my issues. 

Mental health conditions:

I don’t even know what mental health conditions are, but I’ll list what I think. I have bad anxiety issues, doubt myself everyday, trust issues, lack of sleep, zero confidence, always angry, always tired.

I’ve given up on myself and I know I will never be good enough. I’m tired of trying to live up to the expectations as I’m not even smart. I think I have trauma as a kid Idk. Right now, I’m so tired of living. I’ve always felt like this for years (lost count) and I’m so lost.

I’m tired of helping friends with their issues as no one helps me. I hate myself, I really do. I never talk to anyone about my feelings and problems knowing I will get hurt and judged. I put up the tough act even as a kid, I push away my needs and help those who need it even though I am suffering.

The memories I remember as a child never went away and I get lovely reminders of those memories nearly everyday. My parents divorced, still got my mother and got a stepdad. Things didn’t turn out pretty. They always argued and fought. I was always scared for my mother. Justa scare 5 year old. My mum used to be so happy before he came. I say the past never forgets. I am in the past stuck. What he did to my mother I will never forgive nor forget. And to witness that as a kid will always traumatise me. 

I’ve been feeling sad for years now, I don’t deserve anything, I don’t deserve help. I’m just tired. I don’t know what to do, I’m so lost and I know the future for me won’t be anything better than this. I don’t know why I’m writing this. I don’t know if I even need help but everything painful. I wake up sad, go to sleep sad its so tiring. I wonder if its really worth living? I guess the only reason why I’m here is to protect my mother. I don’t believe in friends as they only use you or they are fake. I feel so alone my mother has changed and I can’t blame her.

Do I even need help? I guess I just needed to let my feelings out. Wondered If anyone would listen to me just for once. Maybe because I’m suicidal, maybe thats why I’m here. I don’t know.

I guess this is it, thank you.

[Sophie_M]

Welcome BlxrryFace,

Welcome to the forums, we can hear through your post that you have been struggling with anxiety and feeling overwhelmed thinking about trauma from your past, and truly trying your best to manage. Please be reassured that you are not alone in your feelings and that many other members express similar thoughts of lonliness and confusion at points during their recovery. What is important is that you have had the strength to recognize you are struggling and have reached out for assistance. As you are new to the forums, please know you are more likely to receive replies if you get involved with the community, respond and talk to members on existing threads, in addition to starting a thread of your own. Here are some thread links that you may find useful regarding anxiety, to get you started-   https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/your-positive-story-please-share   https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/self-help-tips-for-managing-anxiety   If you need more immediate contact, please use our support service either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support

Regards
Sophie M

[BlxrryFace]

Thank you Sophie

[Petal22]

Hi BlxrryFace,

Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand it can be difficult.

Have you thought about having a chat to your gp about the way you are currently feeling?

Your gp can refer you to a psychologist where you can learn many coping strategies for anxiety and you can also discuss your trauma with them in a safe space.

Im sorry you experienced trauma as a young child I understand this would have been hard for you, a psychologist could help you with this and you can learn how to move through it.

Hang in there 

[BlxrryFace]

No I haven't considered talking to my gp, but I will when I can hopefully.

Thank you Petal and it is ok

[KaterinaPD]

Hey BlxrryFace,

It sounds like you are having a tough time. Everyone needs help sometimes and everyone deserves to be listened to and deserves help when they need it.

The people at Beyond Blue have listened to me and helped me when I had particularly dark moments, even in the middle of the night, and have pointed me to other people I can talk to to help find support. It’s mentioned in the thread I think but it’s 1300 22 4636 if you need it. 

I’m a mum, and if it was my son who felt like you do at the moment, I really hope he’d talk to me so I could understand and be there for him. I hope you can share what you’re going through with your Mum to take some of the weight off your shoulders. 

You deserve to be here just by being you! And you deserve help to get through this dark spot.

Tell someone you trust and tell your GP who can help you find the right help. 

[Wild_Westerner]

Hey mate,

Hope everything is ok for you, I used to suffer from pretty bad mental health issues as well (and still do). From my experience things do get better if you reach out, which you're already doing here which is great!

I agree with the recommendation to see you GP and get a refferal to a psychologist, they can really help you out. Stick in there 🙂 

[Petal22]

Ok BlxrryFace,

I think having a chat to your gp would be great.

[ecomama]

Dear BlxrryFace, I'm so glad you joined the forums. I hope you stay, read a bit, feel comforted that you're in safe company and know that we care about you. 

I'm so sorry you witnessed what you did as a scared little bubba boy, huge hugs. 

It seems like you're experiencing "intrusive thoughts" about the violence, trauma and being unable to DO anything about the situation as a child. You were only a little boy. The adults in the situation were unable to change things at the time. 

Are you safe now? 

I really want you to explore the forums, esp the Self-Care Thread and lots of others. 

Talking more openly with your GP is a great step. Another great resource, available for you now, could also be e-Headspace. I understand you can Login and text type to a qualified MH support person 24/7. They are experienced in supporting Young People. 

I want to give you a permission slip to be angry, ofcourse you're angry! Now, how can you USE this angry energy in a positive way. My sons got a standing punching bag and went for it. They skateboarded. Ran. Walked the dog really fast! 

You've been REALLY STRONG in dealing with this all by yourself. It's time to share the load as humans need to do. Getting the help you need will make all the difference IF you put into practice what you're offered. 

Talk soon! 
Ecomama

[geoff]

Hello BlxrryFace, you can't keep helping other people with their problems when you can't look after yourself, simply because you start to carry their concerns and if you aren't able to block them off, then it's going to make you worse.

This also applies to your mother's situation where she has been treated badly and feeling sorry for her is understandable but it highlights what I have just said.

If you keep reminding yourself of previous days, even long ago, then you could be suffering from PTSD, although I'm not a doctor to qualify this, however it's easy to overload these feelings with your present day worries and if you add all of this up, it's a mess for you to handle.

You say you don't deserve any help, well I disagree, because if you live in denial this only blocks you from realising that you do need help and there are lacks of people to achieve this, and if you haven't tried then you are unaware of many other people who have been or are still in the exact position you are in, now.

We want you to keep replying here, but you can also contact 

 Kids Helpline | Phone Counselling Service | 1800 55 1800

 

https://kidshelpline.com.au 

by phone, web chat or online.

If you can write down exactly what you have told us in point form, only because it's much easier for your doctor/Kids Helpline counsellors to read and then understand what you are suffering from, rather than in a letter where they could get lost in the transcript.

Everybody suffering can not hide their feelings or try and push them away because this solves nothing and capitulates into more problems.

Please have a look at these and we want to hear back whenever it's possible.

Geoff.

Life Member.