Infidelity- how to cope

[Amaree15]

Today I've just found out my partner of 5 years has sought s3xual relief from an escort by form of erotic massage.

I have so many mixed feelings and am struggling to process the why.

He tells me he loves me.. how can someone say that but do what they've done.

I feel ashamed, embarrassed, that I've done something to make him do it, why am I not good enough. 

I can't stop the tears, I feel physically Ill, I am already struggling with mild depression and now I have to deal with this.

Where do I start, what do I do?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm sorry to hear your story. 

All humans are individuals, so the answer to your last question is anything from allowing an open relationship where couples agree to remain together and each having other sexual partners or leave the relationship altogether and of course anything in between those extremes.

I do believe it is possible he loves you but he could treat physical affairs as a risk worth taking. If this is the case then his values are not in line with yours and that is something you could take seriously into consideration. 

You havent done anything wrong, guilt is something that dances around inside the mind of caring people, so it is somewhat normal for some to feel that way, however, its an illusion, a means to make sense of it, to fix it by taking some responsibility for his actions- so that doesnt make any sense at all when he committed the act. So, taking things as partly your responsibility could be his draw card so that you'll easily forgive him. This is the risk factor and there's truth to the saying "once a cheater always a cheater". The main question for you is- if you stay and try to trust him again will you recover in a few years time when and if it repeats?

For many people a "soul mate" includes a partner that will never cheat. My wife and I have always agreed that once broken it cannot be glued back together. I've worked with many men in my life and seen this occur frequently, they brag about it thinking they can trust colleagues or that the truth wont come out. In fact observing all these guys cheating the biggest surprise to me is the lack of respect for their partner. One guy, in response to him being found out was "she'll get over it" .. and she did but 3 more times over a 9 year period and she severed all ties. That 9 years she could have found someone that appreciated her.

I think in the least you can give yourself much time to consider your future. You dont, under the circumstances need to make a fast decision nor do you need to answer his questions. This short term future period is yours and yours alone, you deserve your peace and time to decide.

5 years isnt long compared to many people we get writing in that have been married for 10,20,30 years and it happens to them. 

So no, take no blame, make your own decisions and watch out for the blame game, when you have no responsibility for this situation.

I hope I've helped.

TonyWK

[Amaree15]

Thank you!! 

That helped immensley, I will take the time and he can wait, he is playing the blame game apparently I stress him out thats why he did it, that is getting hard to manouver as I don't want to get into an argument, I just want answers and honesty.  I feel this to be a long journey to get past this and honestly sitting here doing the pros and cons for each option.

[white knight]

Hi,

Let delve a little into normal, acceptable actions.

If he feels you stress him out then the common action is to either leave, get help or discuss it ongoing for a long time before you get help. Couples counselling is pursued more often after couples cannot resolve their issues. If his answer to a problem is to have an affair for stress, then how is it going to result if he's under financial stress, family stress, change of life stress and so on. What some people do is to pass on their guilt to share with their partner, its similar to "you twisted my arm up my back that led me to another woman... it's not my fault". That attitude isnt realistic but it sometimes is effective on partners that have sorrow in their heart, wanting desperately to make things how they were.

I'm happy I've clarified things for you, we are here to answer your questions - just post and when we log on we can see straight away you've replied.

Regardless of this huge hiccup in your life please remember your worth to your pride and values.

You deserve the best, compromising that causes worry and worry causes ulcers. 

TonyWK 

[Amaree15]

You hit the nail on the head, he has played my heart. I forgive and want to see the best in people, it's probably the thing I hate most about myself.  He won't see a counsellor as he hates anyone in the medical field, he promises to never do it again, but how can I honestly believe that! But here I am sitting by him hoping he's telling me the truth.  I wish I had the self confidence to love myself more and tell him to go... but I just can't say it, Instead here I am trying to fix something I didn't cause.

Why??? 

[white knight]

We are all individuals. Couples are individuals joined into a partnership.  So you in this relationship,  are different to your partner including values. So hyperthetically, if you responded in a way that endorced his actions followed by encouraging more of the same, they'd be no reason for him to not continue on. 

So your values dictates your confusion currently.  Plus 5 years of what you hoped would be a soul mate monogamous style relationship, that is something to mourn over.

His refusal to see a counsellor "in the medical field" .. well, they aren't solely in that field, is his choice, we all are entitled to choices right? In most situations a partner will acknowledge the needs of their partner before their own... sound familiar?. 

So his choices includes him wanting you to trust him... no actual effort to fix anything including your broken heart.

Life is often filled with hurdles we need to jump, some include grief like your hurdle now. Each of my past relationships of 7, 11 and 10 years duration I endured the grief if the separations. My wife of 13 years now is my soul mate. I never gave up. 

I valued myself and carved my own future.

TonyWK 

[therising]

Hi Amaree15

I'm so glad you've met with Tony here, such a beautiful, deeply feeling and caring person who's helped me so much in the past. Tony covers so many good points, in regard to the enormous challenge you face (infidelity). I feel for you so deeply as you navigate through such a heartbreaking time in your life.

While your partner covers the basic reason for doing what he did (stress relief), he's neglecting all the other reasons. In not exploring those reasons, he's not addressing them. His inability to manage 1)his sense of wonder, 2)his imagination, 3)his responsibilities in a monogamous relationship, 4)his ability to communicate clearly how he's feeling, 5)his self control and 6)his inner dialogue would be a handful of other reasons amongst many. While some people might simply wonder about an escort or imagine what it would be like to see one, he took these things to a whole other level. His inability to manage this list of things is not your fault. 

I suppose the question is 'What needs to be managed now?' or 'How would you like to manage things now?'. It may come down to making demands. While seeing the best in people is a truly beautiful trait and ability, demanding the best from people is a next level ability. So hard to get the people pleaser in us to take a back seat at times, that's for sure. 'Step up, take responsibility. Be answerable to the questions I have' is a demand that is far from pleasing. 'Be more conscious in how you plan to help reform our relationship, after what's happened' is another demand. 'You need to face these uncomfortable feelings, not ignore them and hope they go away' is yet another. If his plan is to do nothing, it's a weak plan that in no way serves you or the relationship.

While you rise to this challenge in your relationship, how does he plan to rise to it? How does he plan to help raise you through and beyond what he's done? As you come here seeking to become more conscious of what's happened and more conscious of the way forward, you are raising yourself and that is something to be proud of. Finding the best in yourself, the most conscious parts of you and perhaps self loving parts of you is a massive achievement. ❤️