I’m so horribly unattractive

[PsychedelicFur]

I’m so horribly unattractive.

my toxic ex told me I was a ‘6/10’ and ‘plus size’ and embarrassing looking. That is why he showed me photos of other women in bikinis.

I’m that unattractive that he lost interest in me and started treating me like garbage. I know deep and meaningful relationships are not based off looks but he made me believe that I wasn’t very good looking. Even though I have had people, strangers come up to me, hundreds of time and compliment my eccentric clothing or my long wavy ginger hair.

he said to me once ‘you’re looks don’t matter anyway because you are only a 6/10.’

I’m starting to believe what he said about me. ☹️😢😭 please give some suggestions or advice.

many thanks,

lots of love,

PF.

[white knight]

Hi

I'm 65yo. Because I had a nurturing mother in my young years that nurturing trumped the cruel side to her. Then as I got older I realised the bad in my mother was out of control and there was no stopping her destruction of relationships, revenge and blackmail.

So my sister and I, in an act to save our lives with quality, had to move her out of our world's. We haven't seen her for 10 years and she's now 90yo.

My message is that just because they are our parent does not give them a free pass to give out abuse. If they are aware of such abuse and don't change their behaviour then you have little options but to plan a life without that person or, very little contact.

It not all bad news. I've now got 2 females I love as mother figures. Family is not always blood relatives.

TonyWK

[PsychedelicFur]

I hate my body Dysmorphic disorder.

[PsychedelicFur]

Telling my psychologist about it when I speak to him on Friday. He already knows all about it but I need methods on coping and how to change my mindset.

[Croix]

Dear PsF~

I guess I'll have to admit ignorance, I'm unsure what you mean by Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Yes I know I've looked on Dr Google, however maybe you might like to explain it in general terms - I'm not asking you to talk about you (unless you wish) - just in general terms as I believe you could explain it well. No obligation, just if you felt like it.

Apart from that:-

I've been talking with you off and on for a long time now and have built up a picture of what you are like, not your body, you. Your intelligence, your tastes in clothes, in music and so on. I also know from what you have said, both in the past and now your mother plus the the person in your abusive relationship both were very disparaging about you and your body.

Sadly if this goes on long enough a person will start to take what they say on board as if it were true. Completely unjustified to believe them, but it happens a lot. I have no idea why.

I would imagine this has a lot to do with how you feel now. If I'm on the wrong track please set me straight.

This can take over more and more of a person's thoughts, a horrible time. I wish it was amenable to logic, so one could convince oneself or be told that the thoughts are wrong. Unfortunatly that does not seem to work. I would think it is because the feelings are emotion which takes little notice of logic, or simple reassurances.

Going to a psych sounds a good move, and I'm sure in the long term will have a lot of benefit, however in the short term when in a loop of unpleasant thoughts in the night it's not a lot of help. So asking him to concentrate on those moments as well as the long term would be very sensible.

In my own case I try exercise, moving to another place, talking with people, books, movies, music and more, all things I can enjoy and look forward too.

There is a problem, jolting the mind out of its one way track so you are open to take in the movie, exercise, or whatever you find helps.

For that I use Smiling Mind (apologies if I've mentioned it before) the free smartphone app

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app

It takes a bit of practice, but has exercises for everyone, no matter their concentration or motivation, there's even one for me (who's mind tends to want to revert).

It breaks the chain of thought, and after I feel calmer and ready to switch to something else. For me well worth the effort.

I don't know if any of this is of help, I would like it if you came back and gave me your thoughts

Croix

[PsychedelicFur]

Hello there Croix, how are you going? Thank you so much for the response. I greatly appreciate it.

first and foremost my struggle with body dysmorphic disorder began at the age of thirteen years old.

Basically I see my reflection in a distorted view. And I spends hours upon hours concentrating on my perceived flaws even when I am busy. Sometimes I even avoid going outside to the shops when I need to because of how I am feeling about my looks. Lately, I have been walking and dancing so much. I always have exercised all of the time.

Sometimes I don’t leave the house because I feel not good.. and grotty.

my mother and my ex and other boys I have dated in the past have told me such horrible things. Yet I have had people compliment me in the city and in public on my taste in clothes and how I look. Not creepy old guys either...

So I am quite unsure.

Yes my toxic relationship with my mother contributed to it greatly.

you were on the right track with what you were saying. I always listen to music, read and dance when I can, in my spare time. I love my uni work! Passing, wooo hooo so that is good!!

hope you are ok. What have you been up to?

[PsychedelicFur]

Thank you Croix for the link as well too. I will try and check that out later.

Long term, consulting my psychologist about these problems will be good. However, during that time I need something that can help me.

my problems started when my mum first told me that I was unattractive and fat and needed to diet.

so after I went through puberty I lost so much weight and she still had things she could pick on me for. My uncle asked me when I was thirteen “why are you so ugly?”

I dated one guy who said to me “you are so full of so many imperfections.” Then the previous boyfriend told me that I was plus size, unattractive and embarrassing looking.

yet I have had so many people tell me they admire me for my style and looks.. but yet I get bullied by close people who were in my life eg my mum and boyfriend???? I’m awfully confused.

[PsychedelicFur]

And by the phrase *i always have exercised all of the time* that means that typically everyday I always at least go for one walk. I don’t like not exercising. I like moving around and taking my mind off harsh reality haah. Just to clarify.

[Croix]

Dear PsF~

Thank you for you reply, it was a clear and perceptive view and I think one of you thoughts - that it is those you let close to you that have the power to hurt is spot-on.

I guess for many people there are those that are 'safe'. For example a frustrated employee will not go crook at his boss for fear of what the boss might do, he has the power.. When that person gets home they unleash their frustration on their partner -or child, now that person has the power. Family are the 'safe people'. Most unfair, in fact all too easily becoming a form of serious abuse.

Perhaps you mother and your boyfriend took out their inadequacies on you as they not only felt it was safe to do so, but also because they knew you they were familiar with what might hurt you most. Cruel rather than thoughtless people.

I'm sure trying to feel they were completely wrong is something I guess your psych will help you to achieve in the longer term, to be bruised so deeply does not heal overnight, but you will get there and be able to see yourself as you really are, which I strongly suspect is quite fine.

Exercise and dancing are excellent, anything to stop the brain from concentrating on your unhappy thoughts and allow sensation to take its place. That's why I suggest the app, which does exactly that. The practice I mentioned is practice in reacting each time you mind returns to the unpleasant and steers it away (I choose an exercise that nags me frequently:).

Do you mind if I ask which units you like at uni?

I was split, when younger drama, art and history of science. When older (the 2nd time around) maths and machine code. I guess, as that was after my illness had been at its worst, I needed things for which there was a 'right' answer - some certainty in the world. I guess the aftermath of PTSD and all the rest has certainly changed me, and apart from the remaining symptoms, made me more thoughtful and a better partner

It is a pleasure to talk with you

Croix

[TheWookie]

I am still horribly unattractive.

[PsychedelicFur]

My mother and her partner are making all of these Facebook profiles and stalking my father and I online. And also badmouthing my dad with saying a few unfair things.. From what I have been told.

Just because she cannot get her own way with the settlement.. divorcing a healthy person is difficult but at least from my understanding it can be somewhat more amicable.. my mother is a malignant narcissist who also creates lies and loves drama.. so of course it is going to be more messier and draining, than usual.

I’m having a very difficult time trusting people around me because they all say they dislike her and her antics yet they befriend her and her partner on Facebook.. knowing they create drama and spread gossip. These people tell me that they have deleted them because they don’t want their drama yet they are still friends with them? I’m confused. I feel like I’m in a spiral of lies. I feel like everyone is waiting for the sh*t show to start and they are wanting to bring out their popcorn. Taking a break from social media because it only creates unnecessary drama and it makes me even more so depressed.

my mother’s hurtful words still destroy me because for so long now she has been controlling and manipulative. I feel like my life is a fail at the moment. Everyone tells me how ugly and disgusting and truly untrustworthy my mother is and yet I look at myself and think “well that’s probably gonna be me in thirty years time..”

Her not properly educating me about what was happening to my body during puberty affected me terribly. She never told me about birth control. And she always encouraged me to chat and spend time ALONE with strange men. Lucky nothing serious happened but that’s not entirely the point. Because my dad and I put stop to it before anything actually started or happened.

I’m in a position of well why am I experiencing this and on the other hand I am feeling so down. Sorry this is completely irrelevant to the topic but I needed to get it off my chest, completely.

Really struggling,

PF