I don't know what to do

Stormgrl101 · ‎11-01-2015

I feel so lost and confused. Don't know what to do or think. I have been living with friend and her partner but they have just split and she decided to move out today back to her dads house. I feel uncomfortable living with her partner so I guess I'll have to move back to my parents house, where I am at the moment, staying here tonight. I already feel so lonely and anxious here. My parents are lovely and supportive but I feel like such a disappointment to them. Since I'm unemployed, can't get or keep job due to anxiety, I've decided to volunteer at animal shelter, which starts in a month, and also start studying a part time course in animal studies. The closer it gets to starting these, the thought of me actually having to get up and go do it and talk to people scares me. I wish I could feel happy and confident in what I want to do but I feel the opposite. I feel so guilty and selfish for thinking horrible thoughts when I've been given this life to live and I've been trying and trying for what feels like forever to try and control my anxiety and actually get somewhere but I can't. I'm sick of trying and sick of crying.

I've been on my medication for almost a year and next psychologist appointment is coming up this week.

LilPuddles · ‎11-01-2015

Hi Stormgrl,

I totally understand this feeling. I can see its a really difficult time for you at the moment. Moving forward it looks like youve got some great things happening!! I find from my experience that lonliness and anxiety can be crippling and its hard to take support that is offered. Try talking with your parents about how your feeling, help out in other ways rather than financially. Sometimes we have to be selfish, so that we can grow stronger.

A podcast that i really like using is A quiet Mind - it might help?

Just think - 1 week, and you can debrief with your psych. 1 day at a time 🙂

TheSteve · ‎12-01-2015

Hi Storm,

Thanks for sharing. Let's walk through some of this together, and try to bring some perspective to your situation:

- Firstly, you are doing the right thing by moving home right now. Staying with your friend's ex-partner is not a good idea, it can only bring more stress which you don't need right now.

-It sounds like you have supportive parents and a stable home/family situation where you are. This must act as your base, your foundation, from which to rebuild yourself. If there are any issues - emotional, historical, otherwise, that you need to sort out with your parents in order to feel more comfortable staying with them, then do this early on. Don't let this linger. Your home, your parents, need to be that "place" you have which you can rely on.

-Baby steps. Regardless of the (unnecessary) guilt you feel due to your anxiety or from not having a job, from this point you simply can't accomplish everything you want to overnight.With your psychologist, you need to work through this guilt you are holding onto, as it is not good for you and needs to be dissolved.

- This is a rebuilding process, it takes time. You are doing the right things - volunteer work (excellent idea, no pay = no pressure on you to do anything other then try your best and conduct yourself with integrity); enrolled in a course (study at your pace, a subject that you are passionate about). These are milestones for you to work on, while you deal with the guilt/anxiety with your therapist.

-In time, as you work with your therapist and slowly but surely gain confidence at your volunteer job and via your course, you can start taking bigger steps. These may include paid positions, additional studies etc. But, you MUST give yourself a break, and you must put no pressure on yourself right now. Keep it simple.

The only thing in the way of you and a full recovery/normal life, is your mind. Get your mind out of the way, view the world for what it is, take a light-hearted approach to all that you do - you'll be fine. Give yourself time, build a support network, and operate from a strong home-base.

I hope this helps, come back and chat anytime we are here for you.

Steve

Stormgrl101 · ‎12-01-2015

Hi SteveThankyou for replying and putting everything into perspective.I'm trying to accept the fact that things are changing this year and I will have to move back home. I worry because before I moved out I was very down in the dumps, stayed in bed all day, didn't have the motivation to do anything. Then I moved into my good friends place and my depressed mood lifted and because we share similar interest I began to feel a bit better, going out with her, her now ex partner and our other friend. Now I'm so scared to fall even further back into depression. As we won't be living together anymore I won't be seeing my friend as much, I already feel alone and don't know what to do with myself. I'm glad my friend is feeling at peace with her decision. I just wish I could feel at peace too.

I have always felt different, out of place. I just want to feel like I belong, I want to feel comfortable with myself. What even is self confidence?!!

Stormgrl101 · ‎12-01-2015

Hello Thanks for your reply. I will definitely look up that podcast, oh how I would love a calm mind. It's so hard to open up about how I'm feeling to anyone, and especially parents but they are being so kind and I wish I could be a better daughter for them

TheSteve · ‎14-01-2015

Hi Storm,

When the feelings of discomfort with yourself, or a feeling of not belonging crops up, what you need to do is pay close attention to that feeling without judging it, and without being swept into the chain of thoughts usually accompanies it.

Next time, just use it as an opportunity to monitor the feeling, and only monitor the feeling. Nothing else. In time, you will see that by watching these feelings, you create separation from the feelings. And then you learn that the feelings are not "you". They are just feelings. And over time, the feelings get weaker and weaker.

This is called mindfulness. You should work on it every chance you get. Good luck to you.

Steve

Stormgrl101 · ‎15-01-2015

I'm so sad. I hate money. I wish I didn't get into this mess but I owe my best friend, who I have been living with the past year, money. I am broke and on centrelink and she's always been supportive and so kind to me and she knows I will pay her back as soon as I can but I just feel so bad and hopeless. I don't know if it's just anxiety putting these thoughts in my head but I'm scared she's getting sick of me and then I'll be friendless. I hate how strong hold anxiety has on me. I hate the daily struggle... Each day that goes on I'm slowly losing hope. Psychologist said if i do what she says I can get better. Well Ive been trying but in my eyes I'm getting no where. Thinking about the future makes me so scared and sad. I just want to get somewhere in life.

TheSteve · ‎16-01-2015

Storm,

It can be both anxiety putting thoughts in your head, and the thoughts in your head creating the anxiety. You need to understand they are linked, they are one and the same. Cut off the thoughts, mindfully observe and wait-out the feelings, and both will weaken.

If you owe your friend money, no biggie. Just pay her back when you are able, I'm sure she'll understand. You can't give her what you don't have, but when you have it, you can. Get yourself well first, then deal with these small items. Good luck.

Steve

Stormgrl101 · ‎01-02-2015

Today I went to the animal shelter for the intro session to volunteer there. I was anxious because I didn't exactly know what to expect but it went fine. I didn't really talk much but I did ask someone where to go instead of panicking about it and trying to find it for myself. I know it's baby steps to make progress but I wish it was easier. I start feeling ok about myself and then bam the miserable, alone feeling overwhelms me and the anxious thoughts get louder and Louder in my head. Sometimes I even scare myself.Why can't I just be ok and stay ok.

TheSteve · ‎03-02-2015

Remember Storm, when those thoughts come, you just need to acknowledge that they are there; it is OK that they are there; they are not YOU; if you don't feed them by continuing the chain of thought, they will disappear. Over time, they will weaken.

Always remember, you'll probably get what you expect. If you expect to be anxious and fearful at work, you probably will be. If you expect to have a great day, you probably will. Your thoughts dictate your feelings, and they color your world.

All the best.

Steve