I don't know what to do anymore.

[leashie]

My name's Alicia, I don't know where I should write this but this is the most relative. 

Its more anxiety than depression.

I moved to England, all my problems really started when I moved here.

I missed most of my first year of high school in year 10. I hated everything and cried everyday. 

I don't know why im starting this far back. I haven't always felt that bad but I've never not felt bad.

Lately its been worse. 

All I seem to do is worry about every tiny little thing. I panic and keep it inside till I explode, which no one sees.

Work is hell. I didnt even get the job because I was good. 

The biggest joke is im selling lounges and I hate nothing more than talking to people. Its awful, trying to start small talk, fixing deliveries and worst is problems and angry customers. I think of things to say and come out something completely different.

Yesterday my boss put me on the spot and made me tell a customer that shes wasn't getting her ottoman, she was cool with it, getting delivery another day. Then she phoned back a bit angry saying she wanted to cancel all together. I took message with her details and my boss is, all well you know what to do fix it. 

Now I have to be at work in the morning for 7.30 to give another ottoman to the delivery guy.

I don't know why I feel so guilty.

Plus earlier I was made to climb a ladder not too much of a big deal other than I hate ladders, ever since I was little.

It was awful. I just want to tell them to stick their job. But I can't afford not too. 

I knew my boss before working with him too, he's a cool guy and I want to be nice to everyone so I just push my problems away. At least try to look like im doing things right.

I really just feel so locked in and dont see the end of the day.  Everyone says I dony know why you freak out.. well, I don't either. I just do.

Im seeing a psychiatrist and she's amazing to talk too. Then as soon as I leave the room im back to reality where no one must know my problems. 

I really cant talk about anything without bursting into tears.

My mum left to start a cafe with the rest of the family I feel so out of that loop. 😞

Plus problems with my parents and my dad. I cant even write anymore. 

I don't know what to expect from this.  I guess its just some way to get it off my chest.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Alicia,

I'm not sure it's a bad thing to be anxious in a sales position (lounges) as it might give you the motivation to meet quotas and get out and sell, sell, sell.    It wouldn't have been the first time an annoyed customer cancelled due to delivery restrictions.  You probably have to anticipate a bit more before everything gets too much.  I'm sure the ladder phobia is something you could gently talk about.

All the while I was reading I was thinking - but what if Alicia was an entertainer.  I'm a musician and there were definately times when performing wasn't so hot due to the location, crowd and who else I would be working with.  But the show must go on.   I guess if you had a little bit of this attitude you might survive a bit better.

Sometimes when you need something (i.e. your job) it ends up controlling you and not the other way around.  Guilt is too powerful to sit on.  Is there something else you can do to increase your self confidence ?  You need some respite.

I remember a Christmas type episode of "Absolutely Fabulous" - with Joana Plumley, etc.   To avoid family relatives they decide to spend one afternoon drinking champagne,etc, whilst lounging in the front shop window of some lavish store.  The thing was - no one really noticed.   This is the same with your anxiety - even if you splashed it about a bit more and told people your problems most of them wouldn't even take it in.  Infact, some might get downright unsupportive.

Keep it for special friends and pets.  You can tell a turtle anything.

Adios, David.

[done_that]

I don't know if this will work for you or even if you will want to do it. but here goes. Try thinking of a time when you have had some anxiety, a little not heaps. play it through your mind and then ask " anxiety why are you here?" consider the answer that you are given in context of the siuation. then ask what does anxiety bring to that situation and right down the answers, consider the answers and see if you can live without anxiety in that situation by playing it through your mind without the anxiety, as if you were happy to be doing it. See how it goes 🙂