I change jobs all the time, can't seem to find my "place"

[bellyk8]

I'm 33, have just recently started a new job in the same role but different company (environmental consultant). I am already having my doubts about this role as I struggle to sit at a computer for a full 8-hour day. Prior to consultancy work (have only been in it for a year and a bit) i had numerous environmental field-based roles with different organisations, but left each of them for different reasons (low pay/contract ending, too repetitive & no challenge, no career development, not what i thought it was/didn't align with my interests, too early start & fatigue, not being paid on time, etc).

I understand that i will never find the 'perfect' job but i keep thinking the grass is greener and fantasise about the thought of escaping to another job, i look for and apply for new roles pretty frequently. I struggle with the same daily routine and after not too long feel that i'm in a 'rut', like i'm part of the rat race, and get depressed and start to question what my purpose is. 

I am getting to a point now where it's upsetting me that i feel like i don't belong anywhere, that i will never 'settle' with a job, and that i'm a failure because i can't hold down a job for long enough to establish myself within a company and grow in my career. I know i self sabotage (have SAD + GAD + depression which i'm medicated for but it doesn't seem to help with anxiety), but it's like i get that honeymoon period with a job and then afterwards i look elsewhere. The longest i have been in a role is approx. 2 years, which i'm embarrassed to admit.. The last 3 jobs that i had all lasted under 12 months (one i was let off however i don't believe this was my fault, it did brutalise my self confidence though). I studied music at university and i was very arty in school, and didn't know what career i wanted. I very much love and care about the environment, and i find that being outdoors in the bush is where i feel most happy and at ease. This is why i went into this line of work. However i'm feeling like i want to go back to a field-based role again because i find the office work draining / not as engaging and i'm an energetic person so it's hard for me to sit down all day. I can do it, but it affects my mental health. The problem is that since i've started consultancy work i have learnt more in the areas that i'm interested in i.e. flora and fauna, however, i wish it was more field orientated (it is a mix of both but the majority is report writing).

Sorry i am ranting so much but there is a lot to explain for people to understand my work history and behaviour... i wonder if there is anyone else out there that shares my indecisive nature and lack of being able to settle and find their 'place' in a job? I want to keep growing in my career and learning but i also don't want a high pressure / high responsibility role. I am a firm believer that work is not life, and that a balance is more than necessary (i want to travel the world and have many hobbies outside of my fulltime job that i value and wish to continue). Basically what i'm asking here is does anyone out there relate to my ordeals in life, i have discussed it with psychologists also but they don't seem to have an answer. And if you do, what job worked for you? Should i just be staying in a field-based job or keep trying to stick it out with my new job (maybe the reports will get easier over time)? 

[ABC01]

Dear bellyk8,

I don't have an answer for you. I believe that this is something only you can work out, but I do have empathy for your situation.

Having been diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder, I have had trouble keeping a job. Most of them where only for three months at a time. My longest being 3 years. It isn't anything to be ashamed of. I think that the more stressed I get, and the more pressure in a job there is or criticism, I feel the need to get out. It starts building tension and lack of satisfaction. I start to feel scared to show up at my workplace. So I can understand some of what you are describing.

I think careers are difficult because they ultimately mean commitment and longevity depending on your age. We need work life balance. And that can be hard to...balance. As well as living a life. And life needs money to work.

Perhaps a pro's vs con's list might be helpful. You can do one for office vs field work. And maybe one for all your previous positions. If you understood why you left them, that may make it easier to know if you can stay in the office or not. I find it interesting that you studied music but ended up in environmental roles. Not to say that you can't. Perhaps if you have a creative outlet plus your career, things may be able to balance out a little.

I also think it is great that you have discussed this with your psychologist. Lots of POVs can create a bigger picture and that in turn can be helpful to find direction.

I wish you well,

ABC01

[bellyk8]

Thank you so much for your insightful response 🙂 i studied music in my early 20's not knowing what job i wanted at the end of the degree, i was teaching piano but ended up searching for fulltime office admin roles because i couldn't earn enough to make a living out of it unfortunately. I also tried to start a freelance art business but lacked the motivation to keep drawing in order to build my portfolio, haha. 

I think i can definitely relate to you with the anxiety at work thing - in my previous role i had an anxiety attack because my boss asked me to do something that i felt unprepared for and felt that it was beyond my level, so i freaked out and ended up going home sick due to the stress it caused me. I have also gotten very anxious and unable to concentrate when struggling to get through a report, and i hear a coworker typing away, because i feel like they must understand what to do and i'm failing at my job. Then the thoughts come creeping in "maybe i'm not suited to this job", "maybe this isn't for me, i should start applying for a field job" etc. It's a vicious cycle of self criticism / lack of self esteem which i need to work on my with my psychologist. I think maybe i learn a bit slower than others, i'm also very detail focused, i take longer than others. And that's ok. 

PS. i also have pretty bad social anxiety so i am petrified every time that i leave and start a new job because all of the attention is on me, another reason it would be nice to stay in the same job for a while haha.

[ABC01]

Dear bellyk8,

I can totally understand not knowing what you want to do in your life, at a young age. I never knew what I wanted to do, and still don't unfortunately. So, I admire that you found another career path doing something that has your interest. I can also relate to having a passion, but that doesn't equate to a business or a sustainable living. Sometimes, having your own business is more work than working for another person/business.

I understand self-criticism and lack of self-esteem too. It is a vicious cycle. I too am very detail focused. I believe anxiety is the cause of that. I don't know what type of technology you have, but my watch has a mindfulness app integrated into it. And it has a breathing option. The watch vibrates when I am supposed to breathe in and stops when I am to exhale. It could be an option to use a breathing app when you feel overwhelmed at work or hear other people tapping away. Two minutes of breathing could help distract your thoughts and release tension from your body.

Unless your management tells you, you are failing at your job, it is your anxiety talking. Try to remind yourself that. It is self-talk that isn't productive. Or true. Remind yourself to be kind to yourself every so often. It sounds like you are under alot of pressure.

All your thoughts and feelings are valid. You seem to be able to identify them and what is happening to you. That is a virtue there. A skill that not everyone has.

Everyone needs to work on something in their life's, so please don't be so hard on yourself. And I hope you find the direction you want to go in soon.

Until then, please take care of yourself.

ABC01