I can't work. Please help me.

[Shadow18]

I have a chronic case of social anxiety (doctors own words) that prevents me from doing anything outside the house, including work. I absolutely hate people talking to me, because it means I have to talk back.

I moved to Australia when I was 13 which is when all this started. I felt so lonely for years and locked myself away from everyone, including my parents. My anxiety got so bad in 2015, I was sent back to the UK to be with my family again and while I was there, I met my soon to be husband online but he was in Australia and I was in the UK. I was so torn between him and family. I decided to stay in the UK to save up to come back to him. Now there was a problem, I needed a job. It took me months to get a job but I didn't get it through applying like everyone else does. I literally waited months for a family member to offer me a job because I was absolutely petrified of applying for any and having to go through the interviews and recruitment process.

2.5 years later and I'm back in Australia with my fiance but theres a problem. We're living off 1 pay check week to week. His pay check. Because I don't have a job. I've been back since 2017 and I still don't have a job. I'm so, so scared to leave the house to find a job. And it cuts to the bone when people call me lazy because they don't understand my situation.

I can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm ruining my partners life because we have no money to do anything. As soon as he gets paid, he sends every last cent to me to pay all the bills and anyone we owe money to.

I feel like this anxiety is slowly killing me. The situation we are in is all my fault. He used to go out with friends and on holidays and now all he does is drive from home to work, then from work to home everyday. He even took on extra shifts to support us. He's working 7am to 5pm, 6 days a week with overtime to try to support us.

We're going to lose everything if I can't sort this awful social anxiety out. I've seen all kinds of doctors and none of them have been able to help me. I'm at my wicks end and starting to think everyone will be better off without my burden around.

I just don't know how to overcome this horrible anxiety. I'd give anything to gain the strength and confidence to apply for jobs and actually go to the interviews and talk to people. I really, really need so much help. I feel like I'm carrying the world on my shoulders and all I want to do is drop everything because I can't handle it anymore. Please help me.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Shadow,

You sound very stressed and overwhelmed. Your social anxiety sounds so debilitating, affecting every aspect of your daily life. I feel that would be so exhausting to battle daily...

Your fiancé seems very supportive, and I think it’s beautiful that you have each other. But I also realise that the financial situation is a very big struggle/stressor at the moment, and I imagine that it’s something that worries you a lot...maybe even daily...

I know that you’ve mentioned seeing doctors, but haven’t found them very helpful so far. I feel that would have been a very disappointing experience...is it okay if I ask what kind of doctor you have seen in the past e.g. GP, psychiatrist, using doctor as a broad, umbrella term for mental health professionals (e.g. counsellors, etc), etc?

Sorry, I’m only asking to try to gain a better understanding of your situation. I hope that’s okay...

I’m thinking of you with kind thoughts,

Pepper

[Shadow18]

Hi Pepper,

I've probably seen around 5 GPs, 1 counsellor and 2 psychiatrists. I don't understand why all this help I'm getting doesn't seem to be working. I don't know what else to do. My fiancè is the best thing that's ever happened to me but I feel like leech sucking the life out of him and he doesn't deserve that.

[Quercus]

Hello Shadow and welcome,

Pepper mentioned medical support and I agree completely, it would be good to hear about what sort of options you've tried. Also if you think back have there been any things that have helped you in the past?

Reading your post I got the impression that you're somewhat used to living with social anxiety (as you've experienced it for a long time) and the current distress comes more from not being able to contribute financially to your family. Is that accurate or have I got the wrong idea (absolutely welcome to hearing I'm wrong by the way). I'm just trying to suss out which issue is most important to you to tackle immediately.

You do have options in terms of earning from home. Your post shows clearly you're well spoken and communication online is possible. Have you considered if you have any hobbies you could use to sell online or similar? My mum buys all sorts of things on online stores and has them posted and the communication is via email or text. I wondered if something like that could be a realistic option?

Would love to hear more about how you are coping if you feel up to it.

Above all... I've been there too feeling like a burden to my family and it is a horrible feeling. Have you been able to talk to your husband openly about how you feel even just so he knows you are struggling.

Sometimes I need the reassurance that I'm not a burden and to be reminded of what I do bring to the relationship. Your husband may earn the income but that doesn't mean you don't work hard too. People seem to always forget that work around home is still working. If you wrote a list of all the jobs you do in the day perhaps it might surprise you to see on paper how much you do give of yourself.

Caring thoughts to you.

Nat

[Shadow18]

Hi Nat,

I think you're spot on. The fact that I'm finding it difficult to contribute financially really makes my anxiety bad and I think the financial reason is the biggest reason I feel like this.

I've never really thought about working from home as I haven't looked into it before. I've been doing them online survey things getting around $20 every couple of weeks.

My partner is very good around the house too. He does help me if I need to curl up in a ball for a few hours but I do try to have everything clean and his food ready for when he gets home.

Help wise though, I'm not sure where to go from here.

[Quercus]

Hi Shadow,

Thanks for your reply. It is always reassuring to know your post was ok.

Do you think you will look into options from home? There are lots of types of work out there it just takes a bit of creative thinking to find what works for you.

You mentioned being at a loss of how to progress with accessing help and something came to mind. My psychiatrist asked me a question this week that made me think and I wondered if you'd benefit from it too. He asked me to consider what I wanted to achieve in the visit. Having a goal to focus on made it a little easier for me. Sometimes it feels overwhelming and I don't know what to ask for help with. I chose to focus for now on finding a balance of my meds to manage my anger. It is only one of many problems but sometimes it can help to tackle one issue at a time.

When you mention needing help what is your priority at the moment, do you mean employment support or supports for your anxiety?

Do you think if you could find a way to work from home this might help by reducing one of your stresses (financial stress)?

Sorry for my many questions!

Nat

[Shadow18]

Hi Nat,

I definitely need both employment and anxiety support. I need someone to show me the ropes. I will look into working from home but I'm not entirely sure what jobs a can do from home.

I'm a little worried to ask for help looking for a job because I know many people pass anxiety off as nothing. I'm scared that it'll leave me at a dead end which is why I'm struggling to reach out.

I think that if I found a way to to settle the financial situation, a lot of my anxiety would settle down.

[Quercus]

Hi again Shadow,

I can relate to being nervous about your anxiety potentially being 'passed off as nothing' while looking for work. Unfortunately it still does happen at times, usually when people have no practical understanding or experience with anxiety.

Which brings me to what worked for me when I wanted to return to work. Finding people who understand through experience. It was sheer luck that my boss has a partner with major depression too so she was very understanding and patient when I said to find someone else because I couldn't make myself leave the house to sign the contract.

It isn't always easy to find the offline support you need but it does exist. If you google finding work with anxiety there are agencies that help people with mental illnesses to find suitable work. Maybe this could be a good place to start the search?

It might also help you to find ideas about the sorts of jobs that do exist and may work for you. What do you think?

Hope the weekend was a restful one for you.

Nat