I can't control my emotions and it's worrying.

[calli_the_abnormality]

Good morning/afternoon/evening. 

I'm writing because I've been having unreasonably sudden spikes in my anxiety. I've been diagnosed with severe anxiety/depression and I've been on medication for the past 5-6 years. As of writing this, I've just been crying over a normal interaction with a teacher that normally, wouldn't result in me crying. My emotions have always been difficult to regulate and coupled with my lackluster social skills and 'strange' interests and behaviors have led me to believe I may be high-functioning autistic. How well I'm functioning is up for debate. I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm supposed to be graduating this year and going to university the next. Yet I can't compose myself at all.

The interaction in question was just the teacher asking me to close my laptop. I immediately felt fearful, a pit in my throat. My eyes went sore and tearful and my friend noticed. I couldn't speak, I knew I'd cry if I did. I think it was the teacher's tone. See, I'm trying harder than usual to pick up social cues and tones of voice due to the suspected autism. So when I realised that the teacher was potentially ticked off, it shook me. 

I'd like advice, how do I regulate my emotions? How do I tell my parents without being undermined or told to just 'grow up?' (a common occurrence.) Can I seek help, preferably for free and without my parent's knowledge? Is there some other potential diagnosis in the mix? Please.

[Croix]

Dear Calli~

Welcome here, you do not sound abnormal to me, just sensitive and without a road-map of what to expect and do.

Teachers are authority figures with a lot more influence and power than they probably realise. When you feel someone in authority is criticizing you it is perfectly normal to react.

I'm sorry that you appear discouraged about taking with your parents. Are they both the same? Being told to "grow up" is a silly thing to say. It's rather like the response I really hate "just get over it". These sort of phrases upset me as they show the big gulf between how I am and their limited understanding.

Ideally parents should see you are upset and acknowledge the fact, then be supportive, not shrug it off.

I'd think there are at least two ways to talk in private about the difficulties you are having. One might be wiht a school councilor if you get on well wiht them.

The other I personally recommend , the Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800). They are open 24/7 and very knowledgeable about the troubles young people have, it can be a comfort. If you do not want to ring they do have web-chat, however their web-chat operators do not remember you for the next time you make contact.

If you would like to come back here and talk some more that would be great

Croix

[calli_the_abnormality]

Hi Croix, thank you so much for replying. It means a lot to me that you did. I've never been too great at accepting criticism or failure, especially when it comes to school. It seems I've never grown to embrace the fact that I'm not gonna get everything right, or that teachers might not always be happy with me. Such realisations always make me nervous, as I'm not confrontational. I just wish I could grasp why I react so drastically. I used to be much better at managing my feelings, at least that's what I think. Maybe I've never been able to manage them, and I've just been avoiding situations that cause discomfort rather than trying to overcome them. Either way, I feel as emotionally mature as I did back in elementary/primary school.

As for my parents, their views slightly differ from each other. My step-mother is semi-empathetic until I say that I can't get a handle on things or that I need support. I'm expected to be more 'mature', less emotionally vulnerable, and more stoic or tough. A school counselor is basically out of the question, as I 'need to learn how to cope on my own.' My dad is like me, non-confrontational. He also hides behind denial. I remember asking him about potential pointers for my autism, and he said that I'm fine. He means the best, but nothing is ever achieved this way. 

I used to speak to the school counselor, but being honest about my feelings and thoughts led to my parents being called. But lying through my teeth isn't any better. I can't scare my parents again. I can't do that to them. I think the hotline would be the best option, though it takes a lot of courage for me to speak over the phone.

[Croix]

Dear Calli~

I'm pleased you have come back, and also that you have a pretty sensible overview of things. I am a bit worried for you about what scared your parents. If it is any consolation I've scared people (and myself) too, for probably the same reason. I'll admit I'm jumping to conclusions and I apologize if I've misunderstood. I'd sooner make a fool of myself than not offer you what you might need.

So if you do get overwhemed then don't try to tough it out on your own, I tried that and it did not work:( Get help, if not your parents then 000 or Lifeline (phone, text, web-chat) or the Kids Help Line

I found talking to someone stopped me feeling alone and lost. OK, that's enough about that.

With general advice - those two places can probably give you some insight into autism and what needs to be done to give you a better life - a start anyway.

I know you thinking it would be hard to talk. If the phone seems too much then ease in by using web-chat or text/email, its a bit less confronting.

It's a pity, your parents have so much opportunity to assist you , but basically dodge the issue, each in their own way.

I'd think that in order to handle criticism and the knocks of life it will be partly a learning thing, but without that secure base of supportive parents, and being a sensitive person, that makes it hard. Maybe you should see yourself as someone who has enough inside to cope, as you have been doing. Being non-confrontational in your case does not mean you do not have inner resources and things can get better.

So please let me know how you go

Croix