How does letter writing and listing the positives and negatives help someone with anxiety?

[clintoff]

Hi,

It was suggested to me to write a letter and a list of the positives and the negatives to my ex who suffers from anxiety and broke the relationship off because of it. Just wondering how doing this will help her to get back on her feet please?

[Croix]

Dear Clintoff~

It's a heartbreaking thing when the person you so close to breaks it off, and particularly so for reasons that do not make sense

Because you have posted in the Anxiety area I'm assuming that is what she is being treated for (you mentioned a psychologist). As a person who has an anxiety condition I can sort of understand someone thinking they are falling short of expectations and trying to break contact as a result. It not only helps with those feelings of inadequacy for a short while but also stops the fear of being abandoned by doing it first

I’m not saying these feelings are logical, and so simply point out facts in a sensible manner - you got on well, you were both happy, you think she is fine and so on - simply do not help that much

You sound, having talked to her parents and her that you have resigned yourself to this relationship coming to an end -my apologies if I've got it wrong

I don't know if getting back together is possible, however do know from my own experience that these sort of self-doubting beliefs waver in strength. And what is an overriding belief one day may less the next

I do not know why this is the case, apart from the fact therapy, medication, support and circumstances can make a difference. Circumstances can be the mood one is put in by various things.  For example if all around a sad and unhappy events and descriptions (such as the news)  it is not calculated to relieve anxiety. On the other hand thinking about the good things in life can help

This is no magic fix, but humans are creatures of habit, and the habit of trying to be reminded of the  pleasant -even fun - is a better one than always seeing the dark. Here on the Forum many of us encourage this sort of thinking , you can see it in the thread

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/three-things-to-be-thankful-for-today

So I guess this is why listing the positives might help. I'd have to say listing the negatives might not be such a good idea. I doubt if it is a case of your ex balancing up the good and the bad in an logical manner, as I said it is feelings  that are ruling

If you'd like to talk here some more that would be great

Croix

[clintoff]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for the reply. I don't want to give up on her. I have never had a desire to give up and when I fall in love, I want to be there for the good days and the bad days. I've done a draft list of the pros and cons and only found 2 cons in the relationship and a lot of pros. One of the cons was the reason she focused in on and caused the break up but it was something that was being worked on but in her mind it hadn't been sorted out in her time frame and was causing her anxiety and feeling of depression that I wasn't attracted to her so I was told to create a list of everything I did to show her that I was attracted to her also. I'm not a physical inclined guy but was learning how to but she felt that giving it a short period is it. 

Does reading the positives help them focus more on the positive and realise that it isn't as bad as first thought? 

[geoff]

Hello clintoff, I'm not sure it will help, because she broke off the relationship then the positives will turn into and add to the negatives, so instead of you writing these done, it's how she actually feels that is more important and not necessarily how you feel, because if she doesn't agree with you then it's going to much harder to get back together.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Croix]

Dear Clintoff~

I guess if you can convince her that the things she thinks of as downsides really are not but only seemed that way then you may be on the right path.

Yes, I'm sure reading the positives will have a benefit. The only thing, as Geoff says, is you need to understand what she feels are the positives and negatives, rahter than your more logical view.

A difficult job.

I hope to hear from you again

Croix