How do I support my husband while he's supporting me?

[ci]

The guilt of being a burden on my husband is eating me up. I've had a rough couple of weeks with my ocd and lost it for a while last night couldn't stop the tears. I just feel like my poor husband is lost he just sits with his head down and says nothing. 

He is an amazing man and so much of me just wants to leave so that he can get on with his life and enjoy it! He married a strong independent women who was fun to be around and had an awesome dinner waiting for him on the table when he got home. My choice I loved to cook for him. Now he has a blubbering mess who struggles to leave the house and couldn't even bring herself to cook a meal last night. 

What do you all do to help your partners or people who care for you? 

[El_Guapo]

Rising  star,

I am so sorry you and your husband are going through such a terrible time. Most important thing is to know that this happens to many millions of people and they eventually come out of it stronger, more loving, caring, patient and most of all at peace, in ones life.

There is one thing I believe with all my heart and that is that you both love each other dearly but much of the frustration is not knowing how to help and at times you push each other away because you feel you are hurting the one you love. My partner of 22 years is currently staying with her mother as she is unable to see me because of the guilt she feels, that she is hurting me. She is dealing with long life issues of feeling lost in the life, not having children, never married, being used and unappreciated at work,pleasing and giving to others in order or wanting to be accepted and loved. In other words she has lost herself and is going through a major break down.

For me the fear of loosing her has become overwhelming and I am slowly coming to turns with the situation but the anxiety and sadness at times is overwhelming.

Rising Star, I honestly think that getting help from the GP and asking him to refer you onto a mental health plan, they will provide counselling sessions for free and the help and guidance will help you both on how to work through this terrible time in your lives.  It will bring you both some peace and know what you are both dealing with.

Both you and your husband are not alone, and there is so much love and kindness you have for each other.

Please consider visiting a GP with your husband and getting some guidance.

All my love.

Mingo

AKA El Guapo. xoxoxoxoxox

[ci]

Thank-you for your reply I completely agree that you are right things like this make relationship stronger and the long list of things we have been through together in our 18 years proves that. But it a horrible guilt you feel when you are responsible for causing such heartache to someone you love so much. 

Just want to find a way to ease that for him. 

I hope you and your partner find way to work through everything you are dealing with I can totally relate to looking after everyone else and putting these needs before your own I  think us women find ourselves in that situation often for many reasons I hope your partner gets the rest and recovers. As well as you. 

I have been seeing gps and  phycologist etc for last year just tiered of it all want myself back for the both of us!

[El_Guapo]

Dear ci,

thank you for responding.

I am glad you have been seeing a physiologist as just being able to talk about what troubles you helps in some way even if it is in, just getting it out. Funny thing with this process is that if you click with the right one, miracles can be achieved.  Any thought of both you and your husband seeing one together?

Guilt, (oh my God), anxiety, soul crushing, self hating emotions that we have to deal with. Forgiveness ci, as hard as it is, it is the only answer. So how do we forgive ourselves? I carried skeletons in my life (during my time with my current partner) that are to shameful and painful for ever to me to share. We have done things in our lives not because we are bad people but sometimes out of forces that we don't understand ourselves. Unhappiness, low self esteem, feeling unfulfilled and the list goes gone. Yes apart from hurting the ones we love we also hate ourselves for what we have done. Until we confront this guilt and forgive ourselves, it will consume us and we will always live with this cloud hanging over our head, a could of anxiety, depression, low self worth are all clouds of guilt.

For me I found forgiveness in looking back on my life and finding that little boy who was full of awe and excitement at the world. The innocence of a clean heart which is not filled with the pressures and expectations of what is regarded by society in being successful. Success in life is so simply and yet we have been mislead into thinking that it is all about financial status and expectations of society.  Peace, love and harmony is all the success we need in this life, to be free and at peace in our heart with our loved ones. How did I find this peace?

There was nowhere left for me to go, I was inconsolable, mentally, spiritually and physically I was a zombie, numb to life and tormented. I walked into an open church, broke down in front of the cross and cried until I was exhausted. I prayed for forgiveness and that I could not carry the burden any longer. He knows what is in my heart and could no longer live and wanted to end my life. I made a vow to be kind to myself and to forgive myself.

Just imagine, that god sacrifices his son, so that our sins could be forgiven. WOW talk about compassion and love. Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself and ask him for guidance.

I don't mean to preach but I am just sharing and I hope there is something among my words to bring you some peace.

Mingo xoxoxoxo

[Neenoo]

Hi ci

I came here with the exact same question as you. I actually cried when I read it because I know how you feel and it is good that we are not alone.

 I have had anxiety for a very long time and at the encouragement of my partner I have started seeing a psychologist last year. She is helping me with cbt and meditation practice, but I feel that lately I have gone downhill.

 My parter is very supportive and understanding, but he still struggles to cope sometimes. I feel bad that it is difficult for him to know how to help me. I find when I get upset and anxious that I cannot stop saying 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.' I feel it is unfair that he has to pick up the pieces all the time.  I also feel a lot of guilt.

Today I decided that I should write a list of the ways I can limit the impact on him while I try to get well again. I have not got far into it yet (I was researching when I found your post), but I think when I get agitated I will excuse myself and go into another room to do a 20 minute relaxation meditation. 

I don't want him to see me panicking or be in the firing line when I get upset. He wants to help, absolutely, but he doesn't always know what to do. A lot of the time I think there is no right thing to do, we are all just doing the best we can in the moment.

I also find it useful to have honest conversations with him about my anxiety when I am not in a heightened state. It helps for me to tell him that I fully understand how difficult I can be to be around and that I appreciate everything he does do for me.

My boyfriend has had to take me out of shopping centres because my anxiety clouds my ability to make even a simple decison. He has sat with me late at night while I cry myself to sleep. He has put up with my panic attacks and long term guilt over seemingly trivial things. I hate that I have put this on him, but he loves me and I am sure your partner loves you too.

Perhaps find small ways of showing your appreciation and love for your husband. So maybe sometimes you can't cook dinner, order a meal online (no talking to strangers necessary.) Watch a movie together. Or leave him a kind note for him to find when he comes home from work. There are so many small ways that we can show our loved ones we care. I guess that is all my advice.  More a stream of consciousness really.

 I would love to talk with you more about this.  I hope that today is a better day for you and that it gets better every day after that.

Beat wishes

 Neenoo

[ci]

Hi neenoo

You do sound so similar to me the guilt is a huge wait to carry. I actually got emotional reading your post talking about saying I'm sorry I'm sorry I do that all the time! I can be having a really bad panic attack unable to breath curled up on the floor and all I can do is say sorry to him. I wasn't like this when we met never thought I would be in this battle seems so unfair as you said to put him through it. I always worry he will have enough and leave but deep down I know he wouldn't.

So hard for men they want to fix things and some things can't be fixed. Your right sometimes there isn't anything right they can do. 

I same as you I try and take myself away to get my self together. 

I'm always sending little texts to tell him how much I appreciate him. Trying to surprise him with a movie and favorite food things like that feel like a crazy person sometimes crying one minute happily cuddle trying to pretend I'm OK the next to give him a break.

I'm actually doing really well at the moment having time at home with kids is great and I've changed my diet a little. And finding this site has helped really isolating going through this helps to know not alone.

Glad you getting help I'm sorry you going through such a hard time wouldn't wish it on anyone. If any advice I could give you please ask. How long have you been having trouble? Glad the meditation helps I can't do it no matter how hard i try so well done. There is a post on this site about sugar I  don't eat a lot of sugar had to cut it all out of my diet when was having trouble conceiving our second baby I  did go  back to eating sugar but never ate large amounts so  didn't think was a problem but I have cut out all sugar again as well as tea and coffee  in last effort to avoid meds even cut down on fruit been a month and I have seen huge improvement hopefully it last and continues to get better have you looked into any thing to do with foods being a trigger? 

Hope you OK wish something I could do to help you . 

[Bluey_moon]

Hi Ci, 

I completely understand your post! About a month ago I was in the same boat as you! 

Luckily for me I'm making big inroads with my recovery, which is helping our relationship immensly! 

I actually asked my Psycologist the very question you have asked! She gave me some suggestions which included not constantly seeking reassurance from him, doing more stuff togeather like walking on the beach ect! 

But everyone is different Ci, it sounds like you are very blessed though to have him in your life!!!!

[ci]

Hi bluey moon

 not sure if you seen my reply to So I apologize if I repeat myself if you have read it.

so glad you are doing well things are getting better for me as well I'm  so desperately hoping that I can keep the strength to keep improving it's amazing feeling when you get a glimpse at the old you the person you been  longing to be don't want to loose that. 

 It's great that your relationship also improving it's such a strain on things when your in bad place. What changed for you to start your improvement in your health?

Sounds so silly not sure if it's just a coincidence but I cut out sugar and tea and coffee from my diet feel more clear in my head and I've got more energy to fight that horrible ocd jerk that lives in my head! And I plan to keep fighting as long as I can. 

Hope your doing ok today

[ci]

Neenoo not sure if you got my reply it's above bluey moons hope your day better today!

[Bluey_moon]

Well today wasn't so good, but hopefully tomorrow will be better! 

Glad you are doing ok!