House hunting in the grips of anxiety

[StillKicking]

I've been fighting depression for 33 years, with added social anxiety for the last 20 odd years, with all their ups and downs, and I'm still kicking. 🙂 General anxiety decided to pay a visit about 5 years ago and I can't get it to leave. I feel trapped, and as I get older I realise how ill equipped I am to deal with life in general. I have a number of diagnoses as well as physical disabilities, but things have been better before and I know they'll get better again.

Although I've been renting for 30 years, it's no longer an option. Quarterly inspections where I'm chided for pre-existing issues have rendered me in fear of everything in the house. It's hard enough having someone come through my house, but when they criticise progress that I'm really proud of it sends me the message that no matter how hard I try, I'm a failure on the most basic level, and makes everything that much harder to face because it's no longer a source of pride but a source of shame.

But I've been generously offered the opportunity for a private loan to purchase my own property. As a disability pensioner I thought home ownership was something I'd never experience, and this would be a way out of the 3 monthly anxiety cycle that renders me incapable of doing anything but curling up in a tight ball and crying for weeks around the inspection date and trampled all over what little self esteem i had left. The problem is now the actuality of buying my own house while I have paralysing anxiety, and I know how easily I trust people and can be taken advantage of. The whole process is overwhelming. I can raise more money to get a house that's not a total wreck by putting in a TPD claim but even this is too difficult, and i want to get out now. I really just want to be left alone. I've never had problems like this renting, and buying a house right now when i have to take two late teens into consideration makes it so much more difficult, as I know when they leave the house will be too much for me.

If anyone can give me any guidance it would be much appreciated. Buying a first home is a mystery in itself. I have to change my circumstances to salvage some pride and move forward. Only I can do it, and my sons deserve better. They've already lost their dad. I'm sure I'm not alone in this situation and could just use a little support. My elder son also has anxiety and severe depression and I need to set a better example for him.

[Croix]

Dear StillKicking~

Welcome here to the Forum. I'm sorry nobody has answered your first post for so long, it's an unfortunate side-effect of the way this place works, please rest assured it is nothing to do with you or the subject of your message.

As someone who also has anxiety, bouts of depression and other hassles I can really understand both how overwhelming making such a large decision can be, and also how anxiety can channel thoughts and make for hasty actions.

I'm lucky in that I have a partner who can provide me with perspective when I overreact or fear the worst. Is there anyone like that in your life?

You imply that that house you could buy with the private loan is a total wreck and you'd need to borrow more to get somewhere livable - have I misunderstood? Also that anything you buy now will be too large in the future.

So I guess you have three problems. The first and most important being your own welfare. May I ask if you are under treatment for your depression and anxiety? Without those under control making important decisions sounds chancy. I have realy needed competent medical support over the years.

The second problem which you mention in passing, is the state of your eldest son, is he receiving treatment? It sounds appropriate.

The third problems is of course where you live. At the moment it looks like a typical commercial rent with maybe a management company going though the motions every quarter. Although very hard not to do so it realy is necessary to see their actions are in no way a real criticism of you, they probably just don't care and aren't gong to recognize anything positive you may have done.

Do you think a change of rental property with a more approachable landlord might be an alternative to consider. True it is still a big upheaval however the stakes are not nearly so high. If finances for such are short could perhaps you gain a much smaller private loan from the same place?

I'd be interested to know what you thought

Croix

[Alexlisa]

Hello StillKicking,

It sounds like you're in a really tough situation. I'm really glad that you reached out here, sometimes that can be overwhelming.

I was wondering if you have any family or friends that you could turn to to support you with some of the issues? Would it be possible for someone to accompany you to look at properties? I'm sorry I can't help more with the issue of buying a house.

But I can completely understand your anxiety regarding rental inspections. Checking quarterly seems extreme and I too would find it completely draining and the worry in the lead up would be torture. I'm really sorry that you have to go through that. It can be so fundamentally unsettling when there is stress regarding your home because it feels like you can never escape it. Is there someone that can be with you during the inspection, or is it possible someone else could be there for the inspection, while you go for a walk? Anything to reduce that stress and sense of invasion that you feel. I've told my landlord before that I couldn't be home for the inspection and he just let himself in, did his check and left. It was a huge relief for me.

I was wondering if you have any contact with the organisation Partners in Recovery. You can talk to them about possibly applying for the NDIS. And then as part of your plan you can have help from support workers for everyday things that you struggle with.

Also, there are services called Hireup or Homecare Heroes where you can hire support online to help you. It's about $35/hour? Check out their website, you get to browse through profiles and pick who you think is best for you. I have a worker through Hireup who helps me with things that I'm too overwhelmed to do myself. Like accompanying me to appointments, Centrelink, cleaning up and just generally being someone to connect with because I'm very isolated. I too have an inspection coming up and I plan to have my worker there with me for support.

I'm sorry I can't be any help regarding buying a home. I don't have experience in this area, but can appreciate that it must be an overwhelming concept.

Take care,

Alexlisa x

[StillKicking]

Thank you both for your responses. I'm under treatment but the older i get the worse my mental health gets. It doesn't help that I'm being weaned off medication again to go back onto an old one, but I realised today that I'm depressed so I'll do some tweaking to see if I can get on top of that. In the last few years I've isolated myself from everybody leaving few to turn to. I ran some properties by my mother yesterday and hopefully she can help me a bit. I find decision making difficult and will make all sorts of excuses to avoid it. I'm just so far outside my comfort zone and it's taking its toll, meaning I put on my big girl pants and push myself to do something, but it costs me in the amount of time i then spend in having aftershock panic attacks. I've had a mental health nurse making regular visits but there's been some change in funding so I have to wait for my NDIS app gets processed to find out if i can get any more assistance there. I hate asking for help but i can't do it on my own.

My son is maybe still in the denial stage of depression when you think it's outside factors causing it rather than your response to outside factors. He's not good at taking his meds or seeing his doctor. He's no longer seeing a paediatrician as he's 18 and doesn't even have a psychiatrist yet to monitor his ADHD (or prescribe any meds for him) and his GP seems useless. His first psychologist dumped him and it took him 6 months to go back to the GP and get another referral. He's struggled since his dad's death and holds on to everything to do with his dad, including his doctor. I got him grief counselling but he stopped going. I understand where he's at, but I can't help him when i'm struggling myself. I try to nudge him but I think until he's fully accepted what it is he doesn't know he can change it. It's time to insist he gets a referral to a psychiatrist I think.

I'm trying to keep the end goal in mind. I've moved over 20 times in my adult life and every time i hope it's the last. My younger son finishes school at the end of the year so for all i care i'll put everything in storage and we can all go walkabout. I have a habit of making decisions in peak anxiety to escape that aren't the right decision overall, so I'm willing myself to not just react but think things over. Getting mum to help with looking at houses will relieve some stress, i just hate imposing on people. Thanks for listening, the occasional rant helps clarify and you've helped with ideas.

[StillKicking]

I didn't get a chance to thank you for your extra suggestions, Alexlisa. After I had a panic attack while the property manager was here the previous time I left the house before she arrived for this one. But it doesn't stop my feeling of having no recourse when she tells me it's good then sends a letter complaining that i didn't vacuum when a) i did and b) they're not here to check my vacuuming but to make sure no repairs are needed. The rental support people explained why they send this stuff and told me not to take it personally, but it's that feeling of having no control over my life. They also told me the r/estate have no right to expect a pristine house and I want to assert myself and respond to the criticisms pointing out my rights but I have to wait until i can do it unemotionally and not sound like a crazy woman & get evicted on the spot... so maybe after i move out LOL
I know I can't be the only one struggling with rental inspections but i just feel so alone. The other option is to apply for public housing but after years on the list they tossed me off when rules changed and i had to reapply so that was the end of that. It's hard when you have to face your worst fear to escape your fears, and i tend to take the quickest most painless way out of my situation, which doesn't usually solve the problem. you mention getting help with centrelink stuff and those kinds of things but I've not known how to get it when the act of trying to get it is such a fear. I could pay for some home help but my problem is reaching out to get it. It's a tough position to be in so I'm hoping that something comes of my NDIS app. It's frustrating knowing that my fears are irrational but not being able to reason myself through them. I've suffered some pretty bad injuries and health issues in my life, including a year long recovery from a car accident and cancer, but anxiety is the most debilitating thing I've experienced and my heart goes out to everyone going though this. It's so isolating too because it's something that you can't really explain to people. People are a lot more willing to give you compassion and understanding when you're going through chemo than when you're fighting an invisible illness.
Best of luck with your next inspection. I've never had a real estate this awful and hope they're a rarity. No wonder this house was rented 3 times in 2 years... obviously there's more money for the agent in re-renting than in long-term tenancies.

[blondguy]

Hello StillKicking

I understand your pain with long term depression and how its morphs into social anxiety.....not to mention moving house....Thankyou for posting with us on this....

Croix and Alexlisa are spot on with their great support above as per their life experience(s)

You mentioned paralyzing anxiety....This is an awful place to be in. This is my 37th year of early chronic anxiety followed/replaced by depression/social anxiety (under management/meds)

May I ask about the severity of the aftershock panic attacks? ......The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post. Your privacy and well being are paramount to us

you are not alone...

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[StillKicking]

Thanks for listening, Paul. Sometimes it's a matter of breaking down in the car after I've managed a trip to the supermarket, other times it's having to spend a few hours out of the house acting like i'm fine and coming home and curling up into a ball and crying and letting go, sometimes on and off for hours, until i can release the feeling of panic and start to relax and allow room for the helpful thoughts to come back in. It's always exhausting and I really feel the aftermath of the adrenaline overload. I have a referral for a psychologist to help with the anxiety, but the social anxiety has stopped me from contacting them to set up an appointment. It's an ongoing cycle that i'm still trying to navigate my way though. I learned to manage depression over time, but anxiety is something I'm yet to fully understand. I'm only now coming to differentiate anxiety from other issues i have which cause similar effects. I figured out that it was a low level anxiety that was causing me to be totally scatterbrained and brain foggy, not menopause on top of my adhd as I originally thought. Fatigue is another symptom of many things and I'm still learning to work out how to manage it according to what's caused it. ADHD makes any kind of relaxation almost impossible as I've never been able to shut off my brain. It's really helped reading other people's experiences here to think outside my brain, so to speak.

I'm also aware of how lucky i am. My grandmother was committed to an institution due to mental illness, where she died 40 years later. I'm fortunate that I can afford to live in a house of any kind and provide for my children as a single parent with mental health issues, and that I have the opportunity I've been given. It's more than so many people have. I feel bad for complaining about dealing with such a gift. I know how irrational it sounds but anxiety doesn't seem to care about rationality.

[blondguy]

Hello StillKicking

Thankyou so much for posting back...You are in a dark place and you are not complaining at all. It is so sad to read about your grandmother and what she had gone through in her life

You are not complaining at all. You are strong for being a part of the forum family. It took me many weeks to get the courage to write my first post in early 2016.....I was a nervous wreck and have been supported by so many people on the forums

You are proactive with your health by posting and good on you! Just for your information in 1983 I was 23 and had the same awful symptoms as you do now....The good news is that the severity of the anxiety will reduce once we have ongoing regular counseling. I still see my GP every four weeks for a fine tune after having anxiety/depression for so long (and see my psychologist every four months)

Can I ask if you have a GP that has a mental health focus? I know most GP's have better training now re anxiety than the 1980's.

Its taken me over 3 decades to learn that anxiety is best treated as early and as frequently as possible to help us find some peace in our lives

I really hope you can be a part of the forum family SK. There are many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you....I am only one of them 🙂

Please feel comfortable to ask any questions you wish.......I am committed to 'stopping the stigma' where mental health is concerned

I hope your day is good to you SK........you are not alone..

my kind thoughts always

Paul

[StillKicking]

Thank you so much. I'm feeling a little better this morning after the realisation I was depressed too. I can take steps to get out of it if I know I'm in it, but all the other issues can get mixed up as I've said, and identifying how many are involved when i'm feeling crap can be difficult.

I'm getting some confidence back having gone to my mum for advice. My self-esteem has always been so low that I don't want to bother people with my problems and I'm desperate to be liked by people who don't matter. I think that's why I go out of the way to please my property manager and it affects me so badly when I'm hoping for praise and get the opposite. I understand that my self-esteem issues have always been a problem but it's hard to believe I'm less than a failure when all the evidence seems to confirm that I am. Again, the awareness of what I'm doing is what I need to change it, and I've managed to make a few enquiries with real estates by constantly reminding myself that they don't care who i am, they just want to sell a house and I'm upfront with my needs and deal breakers in the hope that they won't waste their time if they can't meet them.

I also remembered this morning how good i felt when i moved into my current property last Sept. I'd been depressed and running at about 10-15% capacity for at least a year before I was told they wanted the property back. I suffered all night panic attacks, but a last minute change of meds got me through. It was hell but I did it and never wanted to do it again. I even managed to apply for 2 houses and got both, having to cancel one because this one looked better. After the move I was getting things unpacked in record speed (for me) and was feeling so good that I'd done it that I was even back on facebook after a big break. Then I was told I didn't vacuum when i had the day before and that the shower was full of mould (as it was when i got it) and that was the beginning of the end. I can't stand my ground because I want people to like me and I had a huge fear of having to move again. So i tried harder for the next inspection and the next one and each time it's harder to get back up and I sink deeper into avoidance mode where I want to pretend the world doesn't exist.

Reaching out to my mum to help with decisions has been a huge help. I get confused when faced with a lot of options. We're looking at a couple of places tomorrow. Just venting the issues helps me identify the underlying theme. I'll get through it. Thanks.

[StillKicking]

I forgot to say that because I'm a complicated case under the care of a psychiatrist my GP won't do anything because he doesn't want to interfere with her treatment, which is fully understandable. I'm not that happy with my psychiatrist, but the one i loved retired in 2016 and finding a new one is difficult so I'm giving her more of a chance. At this point I've tried every type of anti-depressant there is as well as ECT and i'm still struggling. Going back onto an old drug was my choice after the last new med I tried resulted in the GAD. The only one I've been on that works is an MAOI and I was planning to go back on that one which is why I've been weaning. That and the fact that the supplier keeps running out of one of my meds.

At this point I pretty much suggest treatments to her, and I'm reluctant to try anything new again. I'm back on an SSRI now which i wanted to try before resorting to the MAOI but discovered when I tried to increase back to the dose I was on back in the day it made my anxiety worse, and now I fear that the same will happen with the MAOI. After remembering how good i was when i moved here, I'm going to hold off switching until I see what happens after I move. I think now that I have the opportunity to change my circumstances and get control back over my life I'm more hopeful. I also don't really want to be in the process of moving and find out my last resort isn't going to work. I'd rather wait until I'm out of a high stress environment and see whether i still need a change, and then if i still need to change I can give it a decent chance by not testing it when i'm at peak stress levels.

Now that I've got a bit of a plan in place I'm feeling much less overwhelmed. I keep reminding myself to focus on what I can do rather than what I can't.