Health anxiety and family, dumb thoughts

[Val_da_man]

Well. Writing this mid-panic haha

My thoughts have been spiralling hard. I can't say much, but I've been struggling with how to cope with my hate and anxiety about my mother being hospitalized. She's been horrible to me. Emotional blackmail, gaslighting, and sometimes worse, but the worse stuff's in the past.

I truly can't word this in any other way, but I hate her. I know, the horrible excuse of a son and whatnot. But I can't cope with this household. She mocks my depression, ignored my identity, it's all jolly fun!

And. she's been in the hospital for a month. Not from the virus. Just, stuff.

My other family keeps saying I'll have to be 'nicer', as I tend to never speak to my parents outside of absolute necessity. And I get nauseous at the thought of having to tolerate her. I don't want her to die. I don't want bad things to happen. But now I keep feeling things in my own body and I think "Am I gonna die?"

It's all a mess, really. I'm just so tired of living here. It's like my own [personal hell, where my only safe space is my room, and even that isn't sacred to these gargoyles.

tldr: My emotions are mixed about my mother, and her hospitalisation has made it worse. What the hell do I do????

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place...

[Sophie_M]

Hey Val_da_man, thanks for reaching out tonight. It sounds like there is a lot of different concerns within your family dynamic, and we understand that this must be complex to try and cope with. Please know that you do not have to do this alone. Many in our community have had similar experiences and hopefully, some of them will be able to offer you words of advice.

If you feel it may be helpful, you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. We’d also welcome you to reach out to our Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.
 

[blondguy]

Hey Val_da_man

Welcome and good on you for saying how 'it is'

I understand your pain and anguish....My dad used to treat me like crap when I was young....yes its a pain in the rump yet we cant do much about it...

Sophie_M has provided spot on advice above especially with our friends at kidshelpline 1800 55 1800 24/7

Im just a volunteer on the forums....Can I ask if you are worried about your mum?

I really hope I didnt ask a dumb question.....as I sometimes do.....doh!

any questions are welcome...there is no judgement here...just trying to help

Paul

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Val_da_man,

Thanks for your post and that cat

I was actually talking about this sort of stuff yesterday - basically having really tough relationships with my parents and having people who don't understand tell me to be nicer (as well as some other things!). So maybe in a way I can relate a bit.

Even though the feelings seem mixed - about hating her and not wanting her to die or bad things to happen - they aren't polar opposites. You can feel both, and that's totally a-okay. Of course it would be nice if you didn't hate her, but it doesn't make you a horrible excuse for a son.

What are the things that have helped you cope in the past? I'm guessing this has been going on for a while - so if there's some stuff that's helped or some people that's helped, then this can be a good toolbox to use and pull from.

rt

[Val_da_man]

Worried, yeah. But it's really painful because it makes me feel like I'm lying.
I'm used to placating others and just bending the knee, so of course, I'm worried. But I had no reaction to the news besides just feeling dizzy.

Better answer: Yes, but I'm more worried about what will happen when she recovers.