Girlfriend Hospitalised into Mental Health Unit- My Anxiety Worse

[EmmaP]

Hi everyone,

I finished an 11 hour shift at work last night and checked my phone to see a dozen messages and missed calls from my girlfriend saying she had been involuntarily admitted to the Mental Health unit at our local hospital last night (its not the first time that this has happened, but the first time since we have been dating, for 7 months now). She has borderline personality disorder, anxiety and depression. She was admitted because long story short her new medication wasn't working, she couldn't get into her doctor for two weeks to review the medication, so she told her therapist at her appointment yesterday that she was going to "neck herself if the voices in my head don't stop" so her therapist drove her to the hospital and admitted her. She told me she said it "jokingly" and that she knew it would get her into the ward so her medication could be reviewed earlier because she couldn't last two weeks until her next appointment.

I struggle with my own demons- severe anxiety and depression. I am on medication but I am getting it reviewed because I don't feel its working, and I also have seen a therapist twice now, and have another appointment this week. I have been struggling of late and I guess I have been self centred.

I feel guilty that I didn't see that she was struggling. However on the other hand she doesn't tell me that she is feeling bad so I can help her. I feel like my mental health is a burden on her, especially yesterday when I had a breakdown at lunch time when I saw her because everything had overwhelmed me in life. I am now worried that I have contributed to her hospitalisation even though she said I haven't.

She isn't allowed her phone, and I feel so disconnected from her. One of my huge anxieties is separation from the people closest to me, so I'm really struggling not being able to text her and see how she is. My boss will only let me ring her twice today quickly and I can't see her until I go in after work this afternoon.

She will be in there for at least 48 hours. I'm glad that hopefully her medication will hopefully get sorted out. But I can't help but feel more overwhelmed in life now. Is this being self centred and selfish? I just feel exhausted all the time and this is another thing to add to my uncontrollable anxieties. I feel guilty that that's how I feel. I dearly love her and want her to feel better and this is her time of need. Sorry I just needed to get it off my chest.

EmmaP

[white knight]

Hi EmmaP,  thankyou for sharing your feelings.

No wonder you are exhausted. Caring for your girlfriend and the worry will make you tired. Self preservation is nothing to feel ashamed about. And where will your girlfriend be if you are no longer around for her to rely on?

I think you need to relax a little about your girlfriend being in hospital. She, like most in her situation has gone beyond some boundaries clearly set by authorities and she has to spend the time there to stabilise. Take the time to relax and get all things at home sorted.

She is very lucky to have you around. You care a lot.    Cyber hug

[AGrace]

Hi Emma,

If I take your first sentence first, you had just completed an 11 hour shift when you heard the news of your girlfriend. There's no doubt you would have been exhausted already, and exhaustion can cloud our judgement. So it's understandable that you felt guilt over not knowing she was struggling, and selfishness about putting your situation first.

If we were to remove the exhaustion I think you would see that there wasn't really a way of you knowing that your girlfriend's situation had really deteriorated. After all even she admitted that she convinced her therapist to admit her by threatening to end her life. So perhaps she wasn't this severe but really felt desperate to get her medication reviewed quickly. Having BPD myself, I can understand why your girlfriend did what she did. Fear of abandonment would have played a part for me if I was told that I'd have to wait for 2 weeks for anything, and BPD sufferers tend to do anything within their power to avoid this real/imagined abandonment.

Secondly by removing the exhaustion I think you would be able to see more rationally about your need to also get support for your issues. This isn't a selfish act, in fact it's very brave and assertive, and in the long term benefits your girlfriend because if you are both receiving adequate treatment then your better equipped to allow yourselves to rely on one another. It's only natural to doubt this theory, because we always want to be seen as putting our loved one first.

I know how difficult it must be to be disconnected from her, but WK is right, this 48 hours can be yours to try to settle your anxiety and see to yourself in preparation for when she comes home. You are both allowed to experience a time of need simultaneously, it doesn't have to be one or the other not coping. I have no doubt that she wouldn't see your issues as being a burden for her, when someone loves you they would move heaven and earth to support you, just as you wish to do for her.

Let us know how you get on over the next day or so. We're more than happy to listen and try to support you.

AGrace

[EmmaP]

Hi White Knight and AGrace,

Thank you so much for your replies, concern and advise. I really appreciate it.

She came out after a couple of days, unfortunately without any changes to her medication. She is going into the doctor today to review it. It was a hard couple of days, especially because she was being rather mean to be in her BPD state (I know its the BPD not her). I did go home and relax and it was good for me to know that she was being looked after in there and on constant watch.

I am very proud of her because today she is taking the steps into looking into an extended stay in hospital for maybe 2-4 weeks to get her head right. It will be a difficult time for both of us I'm sure, but I just keep reminding myself that it is for the best, and hopefully will do wonders for her headspace.

I saw my doctor on Thursday and she has upped my medication, and I saw my therapist who has given me more mindfulness and coping strategies. Personally, I'm still feeling very anxious and rather depressed, and I think it is greatly linked to my job at the moment. I'm having to make a huge decision about my work life, either way it is not good. Every day still feels like a giant effort to get out of bed to go to work, and I'm exhausted. I'm only happy when I am at home or in bed under the covers. Going to power on with what my doctor and psychologist have given me and hopefully it improves.

Thanks again guys I appreciate it.

emmaP

[AGrace]

Hi Emma,

There are a lot of positives in your post, which you should be really proud of. I'm glad your girlfriend is out of hospital and that she is looking into medication review and perhaps an extended admission.

It's great to hear that you are getting some support as well. I suffer from BPD myself and I can't tell you the amount of times I've said or done something hurtful to my partner. He too understands that it is the BPD in action and that I wouldn't say or do those things otherwise. Gosh you have to be a pretty strong, and resilient person to be able to love someone with BPD. Has your girlfriend ever been recommended to do Dialectical Behaviour Therapy? If you want some more info on this visit the borderline support website.

I know staying in bed all day sounds sooooo inviting, perhaps make it something you let yourself do on the days when you are not working for a little while. You mentioned that you have a huge decision around work to make, let us know if you'd like to share this. Sometimes we put a huge emphasis on work because it's our source of income but not working for the past 10 months has really put it into perspective for me. Sometimes it's good to consider exactly what you are getting out of a job, and if the benefits don't outweigh the costs then the job should be reconsidered.

I hope things continue to slowly improve. Keep us updated.

AGrace