From high end professional to non-functional, living with parents. Only feeling worse while waiting for treatment

Overwatchdude · ‎19-09-2016

Hi all,

Ive read through the guidelines but please forgive me if im posting in the wrong place.

Ive been battling anxiety since childhood but was only diagnosed a few years ago, im now nearing my mid 30s. Ive also been diagnosed with OCD stemming from intrusive thoughts, which has spiraled me into a deep depression.

Ive recently had to quit my job and move back in with my parents since I was self medicating via substance abuse. Ive since seen a new psychiatrist and been put onto a new medication which has had me feeling worse, and been referred to a psychologist, though it will be 6 weeks before my appointment.

I guess Im just incredibly scared. Im tired of having intrusive thoughts and my biggest fear is of "losing control". Currently im basically non functional and virtually bedridden. Friends and family have encouraged me to keep. busy and exercise, though just getting out of bed in a struggle, let alone going to the gym.

Time feels like its moving at a snails pace and I feel worthless. I dont really know where im going with this, I just feel alone and like my experiences are unique. I have the utmost respect for the people here who suffer from depression and can still function, I dont know how you do it when I can barely leave my room. Waiting to feel just a little bit better is making me feel worse, if that makes sense.

Any help or advice is appreciated.

white knight · ‎19-09-2016

Hi owd, welcome

Briefly, severe anxiety over a workplace incident 1988. Diagnosed incorrectly with bipolar 1 and ADHD in 2003. 12 meds tried and all unsuccessful over a period of 6 years. 2009 diagnosed correctly with bipolar 2, dysthymia and depression. Meds taken since then are mood stabilisers and small amount of anti depressants. This has worked very well particularly in the last 3 months when I fine tuned the dosage.

So persistence is important. Please don't give up. Medication is one ingredient of the process.

During that early incorrect diagnosis stage my psych kept pushing me to take more dosage of various meds that left me non functional...of course that's known now that I was on the wrong meds . So in your case work close with your medical people regularly. Ask questions, tell them his dysfunctional you are etc.

As for anxiety read up on muscle tensioning exercises. They worked for me. 20 minutes a night in bed prior to sleeping.

Google the following

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

Good luck

Tony WK

Overwatchdude · ‎19-09-2016

Thanks Tony, and kudos to you for your own progress.

I think I will call the psych tomorrow, though I have read its normal to feel worse before you feel better on the meds im on. Right now its like im at the bottom of my hole and time passes so slow that 12 hours awake feels like 12 days.

Thanks for sharing, it means a lot.

white knight · ‎20-09-2016

Good move.

Bare in mind meds often take 6-8 weeks to begin to work. A topic you can chat to your psych about.

Best of luck. Don't hesitate to repost.

Tony WK

Lost_Girl · ‎20-09-2016

Hi Overwatchdude,

I have a different situation but similar result. I went from being a high performing, high functioning person to living with chronic headache and in pain every waking minute of every day. As a result I became depressed, could hardly get out of bed for a while then git to the lounge and sat crying in a chair each day feeling like my world had fallen apart.

I'll skip the full story but my psychiatrist I ended up seeing advised that depression is a very normal response for any high functuoning, high performing person who suddenly can't function the way they would normally whether it is through an injury or illness and even in situations where people lose their job.

The medication helps. Ask the psych all the questions you have. You are not alone in this.

Have a look in the information section here there is some information that you can give your family and friends to help them understand depression. I had a friend who kept telling me to get out in the sun and go for a walk and I was lucky to get up and shower. They just don't understand. They mean well though so try and educate them.

The best advice I had early on was "Be kind to yourself". It will take time. You can't do anything to make it happen more quickly. When you do start feeling better then you can start getting some exercise and sun etc. Just take it day by day or hour by hour if you need.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

Overwatchdude · ‎20-09-2016

Called my psych at 9 this morning and left a message, still havent heard back 😕

Chris87 · ‎20-09-2016

Overwatchdude, four things stuck out from your post. One, you said you had been battling anxiety since childhood. 2. You fear losing control. 3. You feel worthless. 4. You never actually said what the problem is.

What happened at work? Why did you quit? You seem, like me, to have had anxiety from a very young age. For me it never goes away, it's all about managing it better. A fear of losing control means you are trying to control everything. You can't control everything, put two feet on the ground and tell yourself you're OK, let go of control. Say to yourself, 'What ever happens happens.' You have to accept any possibility that your mind can come up with and accept it with all the consequences (real or otherwise) that go along with it. Feeling worthless is a side effect of all these things you keep telling yourself. Don't worry I do it too, well actually mine stems mainly from my father when I was extremely young. You may have a similar story, I don't know.

Now, if your're comfortable, what the real issues here? There may be more than one.

It's all about causes...be strong, forget labels, what the real problem? It's scary isn't it?

Overwatchdude · ‎21-09-2016

Ho Chris,

I tried to reply but the site hung, sorry if you get two replies.

Intrusive thoughts of harming myself or others led me down a substance abuse path. I quit my job so I could get clean and properly address my issues. These are the problems that im finding it hard to cope with.

Chris87 · ‎23-09-2016

The intrusive thoughts about harming yourself or others comes back to the fear of losing control. I don't know where exactly your fear of losing control originated. But trying to control everything is something you do have, at least a degree of choice, in letting go. It's just like people with PTSD. Is it the car crash? Is it the dead bodies? Is it the shootout with a enemy in Afghanistan? What is the common thread? Forget the details of each situation. The common thread is that they lost control of the situation. And from then on they are afraid of losing control again, hence flashbacks because the fear is that intense. The fear of losing control is so strong that is can end up doing things like what it is doing to you. I take it you don't really want to hurt anyone else? But what are you most afraid of? Hurting someone, I'd guess. So you have fear of losing CONTROL and hurting someone. Try to let go for one day of this fear of losing control. Do this by just being passive, don't control your thoughts just let them come and go and they wish. When they come, realize that is just a fear or losing control manifested in your particular way (afraid of hurting someone or yourself). Just for one day, try to LET GO. You're on a paddle board swimming out to the breakers and you keep getting washed off and you keep struggling and struggling to get back on the board, then you just do the same thing again and again, but the waves are endless. Turn the board around and let go. Whatever happens happens. Accept every possible consequence of your perceived fears (in your head) and realize that even if if it did happen, it wouldn't be so bad. You'd cope with it. I had intrusive thoughts my son was going to die of asthma. The only way I got over it was too accept that if he did die, that's life, kids die all the time. I did the best I could do. But life sucks sometimes, you just have to let go.

JessF · ‎23-09-2016

Overwatchdude said:
Ho Chris,

I tried to reply but the site hung, sorry if you get two replies.

Intrusive thoughts of harming myself or others led me down a substance abuse path. I quit my job so I could get clean and properly address my issues. These are the problems that im finding it hard to cope with.

Hello Overwatch, first I think it would help you to recognise some of the positive steps you've taken so far, as it sounds like you're very down on yourself. You recognised that you had a substance abuse problem (many people don't) and you've taken some time out to try and get back on your feet. That takes guts, many people deny they have a problem and continue to stumble forward pretending they can cope when they can't.

It can be very frustrating when recovery doesn't move as quickly as we would like. If the goals seem too big, I have lernt over the years that I need to move the goalposts. Make that to do list smaller. Your achievement for the day may be getting out of bed and having a shower. Your achievement for tomorrow might be going for a walk or a light jog around the block.

That old saying, 'a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step' is a good one, because it helps us remember that every long journey is just a series of steps, one foot in front of the other. Sometimes you just have to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the next. You will be surprised to see how far you've come if you give that a go.