Feeling like an outcast

[Mumof02]

Yesterday I had yet another massive panic attack. I had gone 2 weeks with out one and finally felt in control. But for some unknown reason my anxiety built up with a simple conversation with my partner, basically over nothing. I felt it building and before I knew it I was gasping for air, hyper ventilating, grabbing at my skin, pulling my hair, negative thoughts were rushing through my head... Like look at me I'm such a failure, he must think I'm an idiot for this, I need to get away, my chest was so tight and the tears just flew. I was such a mess. It lasted a good ten minutes before I calmed down. The feeling left was numb. 

I feel so bad for my partner, he shouldn't have to deal with this.. I feel so crazy. Out of control. 

Im booked in tonight with my GP. I'm so scared to admit that something is wrong with me.  It his feeling is really not nice

[JessF]

Hello Mumof02, you know I think that part of what makes our anxiety so hard to deal with is when we beat ourselves up and feel the stigma of there being something 'wrong' with us. Now imagine if you had asthma, it would be a reality of life that from time to time you would have asthma attacks, even with the best preparation and looking after yourself. Would that be your fault, or would it make you a failure/idiot/other horrible words? 

It's good you have a booking in with your GP, please try and be gentle with yourself and work towards accepting that these things will come and go, and even when they do happen you can be in "control" by knowing in yourself that it will pass. Not easy, I know, and it is uncomfortable, but it does pass.

[AGrace]

Hi mumof2

I thought I'd check in and see how you went with the GP?

With regards to your husband, I've spent years thinking that my partner must think I'm crazy. He's been through numerous panic attacks, billions of crying sessions, all the moments when I needed to isolate, all of my suicide attempts. I used to ask myself why is he still with me? What do I have to give him?

The answer, he's not here to get anything, he's here to give. He wants to love me, he wants to care for me, he sees all of the above as my illness not me.

How much does your partner know about your illness? Does he need to know more? Is he able to soothe you when you feel anxious? Are you able to soothe yourself? 

Do you recall what the conversation was about? Do you think the panic came on by itself or as a result of the topic of discussion, or were you starting to feel the anxiety and then starting to beat yourself up and making the panic worse? As Jess has mentioned, it's easier to accept the anxiety and panic than to try and push it away, or to try and hate it. Kind of like it's easier to smile than frown - and yet what do we do most often?

I hope you'll get back to us, and let us know how you are going?

AGrace

[Mumof02]

Hi thank you for your kind words,

GP went well, he referred me to a psychiatrist and I was lucky enough that when I called there was a cancellation and got in on Friday. Instead of 3 month wait. So I nervously went to my appt and she has diagnosed me with general anxiety and panic disorder .. And put me on half dose anti- depressants. Kind if scary to think about it.

my partner usually is quite supportive, yesterday he got lower than expected marks on a test and was extremely grumpy and picky. He wanted to talk about a smart ass remark I made, 

situation was.. I wanted to go for a run. He said can I come? (I was about to go and I know he takes at least an hr to get ready) so my smart remark was ... Aslong as we are not running at midnight. This comment upset him greatly and led to a 3 hr conversation about how my smart ass comments are 50% our problems.

i acknowledged what he said, trying a new technique of not getting anxiety about the fact we are talking for 3 hrs but getting through it and telling him what he needs to hear. This new style did not satisfy him and I had a panic attack.. Feelings and thoughtS of I almost made it with out one... And even trying my hardest to hear and acknowledge everything he has said is still not good enough.. Is there anything else I can do this situation just doesn't seem normal

[AGrace]

Hi mumof2,

I think you have to recognise whether this was an isolated event from your partner due to his test results? If not, then I think talking about something for 3hr (if this isn't an over exaggeration) is ridiculous and a waste of time.

Even if he thinks that smart ass comments are 50% of the problem with the relationship they don't require long winded discussions. Effective communication is about expressing your needs and wants, sharing why these things are important to you, and finding out how you can get them met, or at least a fair compromise. As you can see not a 3hr chat, unless you have an incredibly long list of needs and wants.

I guess to be fair if you are expecting effective interpersonal skills from your partner then you need to be replicating these. Using smart ass comments doesn't fit in this category.

The other thing I have found when you start to get skills based therapy is that you need to be discussing with your partner what you are learning. It's tough to come home with a new skill, attempt to put it into practice and then be met by someone who is not familiar with that skill them self.

I guess the good news is that if your comments are 50% of the problem then by eliminating these from your dialogue will have a huge effect on your relationship.

Eventually it would also be a good idea to have your partner meet with your new Psychiatrist. If he is to be your carer, and therefore part of your treating team, then he needs to be across your treatment, so that he feels he can help.

Once you had the 3hr conversation was anything resolved? How is your partner's mood today? How are you coping with the anxiety today? How are you going with the new medication?

I'm really pleased that you managed to get your Psychiatrist appointment so quickly, luck was definitely on your side.

AGrace