Feeling ashamed and incapable of working

[Berry_]

I'm not sure if it is appropriate for me to write this here since I don't get panic attacks. I just feel incredibly nauseous, and that disrupts my sleep and eating.

I'm almost 21 and haven't worked in the past nine months as I said it was because I was focusing on my final year of undergrad. This probably sounds like a very privileged thing to say, and I know I just need to push myself to be comfortable—but I have tried that. I have worked in the past in various jobs, but I always leave abruptly because I feel like I never become comfortable or adjust over time like everyone else. Then, I feel embarrassed to still be anxious months later.

I have an older sibling who has offered to help me find a job where they work, but I refused because I felt like I could not do that job, and I don't want to be an embarrassment to them. Since then, they have kept saying that someone my age should be working and pointing out how they work and study an even harder course than I do while managing both. But they are just so much more confident than me.

To build up my confidence, I thought I should apply to retail or hospitality. However, I self-sabotage and only apply for jobs posted a while ago because I am afraid of how much better other people are at the job—especially those who are younger than me and get paid less, making me feel undeserving of a job. I am slowly running out of savings, so I really do need to find a job, but I feel as though there is no job I could possibly be good at (and my degree is no longer of interest to me).

[therising]

Hi Berry_

I can understand a lot of your concerns and challenges and I really feel for you as you face this time in your life.

It's definitely tough when you can feel the challenges of a particular job running through your nervous system. Some people are major feelers and some people aren't. For the ones that are, there can be so much to feel. For example, you can feel your fears, your stress, you inner dialogue, other people's attitudes, maybe even an inability to understand certain aspects of the job, imagining worst case scenarios etc etc all running through your nervous system. While it may take some time to get used to a job, through weeks or months of practicing it, the question can become 'Am I able to cope with all that I feel, for that long, while I'm practicing perfecting this particular job?'.

Sometimes I think the right job has a lot to do with who we're working with and especially who's teaching us the job to begin with. Personally, I work with some brilliant people who are incredibly thoughtful, empathetic, inspiring and who have a great sense of humor. There's no way I could work with the opposite type of people in that same environment. It would just be too stressful. So, the team you work with is another consideration on top of the ability to feel so much.

Another consideration involves what type of job we're after. For example, it can be easier to do a job that requires next to no thought, one where we can kinda switch on 'auto pilot', compared to one that requires a lot of mental processing and possible stress/pressure. Then there can be a matter of 'Do I really want to work with the public or do I find that too triggering?'. As a 54yo gal, I haven't worked with the public since I was 20. I admire anyone who can work in retail, for example. I don't know how they do it, interacting with enraging, stressful, abusive or depressing people. Been there, done that and vowed to never do it again as long as I live😁

I smile when I think of what my daughter occasionally says to me, 'First world problems'. The thing is we do face first world problems. We can feel them and they do challenge us occasionally and that's a matter of fact. How we manage to rise to the challenges we face in this country, our part of the world, is the thing. While we can be grateful for everything we have, including all the privileges that we may take for granted at times, we still face challenges. I feel we're designed to evolve through the challenges we face. So, as evolving creatures, we are always going to face that which is designed to raise us to next level challenges. I've found it's easy to sit back and remain the same person but, after a while, not evolving can become a trigger for depression.

Btw, sometimes it's about finding what we feel is the job for us. We could go through 20 jobs in a 6 month period before finally saying 'This job is for me. I love absolutely love it'. Why settle for anything less than what we love doing?

[Berry_]

Thank you for taking the time to reply with such a well-crafted message that truly did help validate my feelings. I had not considered working beyond retail or hospitality because I thought I would not have any confidence going in. Still, I guess if I am going to push myself either way, I may as well try one with potentially fewer challenges.