feeling alone

[hhalp]

hi there,

i am currently a uni student, having finished year 12 last year, i think it was the trigger to my anxiety. All my life I have had a great group of friends whom i could tell everything to and trust. In the stress of year 12 i noticed myself finding it increasingly difficult to talk to teachers and soon friends. I would get nervous and flustered asking questions, going red and stuttering. After year 12 things were a bit better, seeing friends and having a blast. Now university has started and none of my friends are at the same uni as me. I feel left out and have lost my close friends. I am still a part of the group of friends from school but i am so distanced from them, and a lot of the time left out of small fun things they do. I spend a lot of time in bed sitting on the internet because i feel safe in my own environment. But it only makes me more depressed at the thought of wasting my life away. I am okay in groups but I make life so awkward when it is just me and 1 other friend and my nervousness makes me appear rude and like i dont like the person im talking to. I am also at the age where people go out and drink and I use it as a mask so i can actually talk to my friends and appear more confident and fun than i am. But i hate it and it is no long-term fix. I also get nervous at family events, i cant hold a conversation with my aunty or uncle because i get so nervous for no reason. I get so jealous of my older brother and sister having such a stable group of friends, having them over all the time, seeing them and feeling like i could never just have friends over. 

This has spiralled into a slight depression and i usually feel like crap after most social events ie. family parties, friends birthdays, catchups etc. I also get random bursts of depression when i think about how im losing all those people around me and i cry a lot. The worst part is nobody knows because im too scared to have a normal conversation with anyone let alone talk about something so personal. I have been trying really hard by taking baby steps to build up confidence and social skills. I really hate when there is a lot of attention on me and one BIG thing was my birthday. I made a HUGE step in having a party which i havent done in years because i dont handle having friends over very well. I invited about 30 people and literally i had the worst time of my life but nobody knows. I was really nervous that it would be awkward and it wouldn't be fun and i feel like it lived up to those expectations. When people came over i just couldn't make conversation i kind of just standed there like a weirdo at my OWN party. I felt really bad because my parents made such an effort in helping me set up and when they asked if i enjoyed myself i told everyone i had a great night even though i cried after everyone had left. I felt so undeserving of all my presents. I have screwed things up with a guy i liked because I am too scared to go out with my friends let alone him. I always declined invites from him because despite wanting to go i felt it would be too awkward. I have pushed all the people i want in my life away because i simply can't socialize and express myself naturally. I want so desperately to simply be able to go out with a friend for a 'coffee' but i am too socially awkward. Along with this social phobia I am so confused about my life and what i want to do. My course is not very stable and is artsy so its one of those careers you have to put yourself out there and try and make it big and i feel like i will never have enough confidence to get to where i want to be despite loving the subject. I cant live like this anymore, i want to break free of all insecurities and make an impact on the world but my mind is holding me back. There is so much i want to do and say but i JUST CANT .

This probably doesn't make sense but truly, my life doesnt make sense right now either! Any help would be much appreciated thanks.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear hhalp,

If you can't feel weird and insecure at your own party then whose party can you feel weird and insecure at ?    Good on you for even trying.   Maybe you did feel like you set yourself up for failure.    So what next ?

I tend to avoid social situations with my family.    Now, if something happens and I'm not invited I get slightly put out !  But I've set it up like this.   I guess if you can believe that your problem makes perfect sense - anxiety being the factor in your lack of socialisation - then you can move forward.    You wouldn't jump in the bath without checking the temp first, would you ?

Adios, David.