Fear of relapsing - Eating Disorder

[jade-elizabeth]

Hi All

This is my first post, so has taken me a lot of courage to write (and I hope I have done ok!)

In 2014 I was "officially" diagnosed with anorexia. Although looking back, I have always had a strange relationship with food. I was obsessive about counting my calories, comparing what I ate to those around me. I soon began skipping meals, and distanced myself from all my friends. I found myself at a very unhealthy weight, and with severe depression and anxiety as a result of the thoughts that consumed my life. I was lucky to have the most amazing support network (my family) and health professionals around me, and I managed to re-gain a healthy weight within 12 months. During the initial recovery period I suffered severely with binge eating.

Since 2014, I have resumed University study (which I had to withdraw from due to my illness), began working full-time, and become a gym junkie! Exercise has been my saving grace, as it has given me something else to focus on, and introduced me to a variety of new people. It has also helped to teach me that food is necessary to maintain the energy levels I need to train the best of my ability(I am very competitive).

I have been training in the gym everyday for a year now, and I have put on a considerable amount of muscle in that time. Therefore, my PT suggested that I give the gyms 8 week nutrition plan a try to help further increase my muscle mass. I didn't even think twice, as although I still struggle with some obsessive food thoughts from time to time, nothing has been extreme for a number of years.

I have been on this nutrition plan for only a week now, and I constantly have the urge to binge eat. The food is substantial, and although I am feeling tired (de-tox from sugar), I am not hungry. I have binged twice in the space of that week, but it is consuming my thoughts. I dont really know what is causing these feelings, perhaps the fact that I'm not in control of my food? I really want to see results in my training, so I know this nutrition plan is the best for that, but I am so scared of getting my old eating habits and thoughts back.

Does anyone have any advice, or has anyone been in this situation?

[MsPurple]

Hi jade-elizabeth and welcome to the forums. Yes it takes a lot of courage writing your first post and yes you have done so perfectly.

I too suffered from anorexia (well technically diagnosed EDNOS anorexic type) I was underweight, skip meals when possible, would stay awake imagining all the food I could eat if calories weren't a thing and I would count a weeks worth of meal calories out. It took my every waking moment. I completely understand when you say it takes over your life. I know how horrible it is.

Like you I have found exercise (well resently) a saving grace as it helps me deal with stress and it helps me deal with my GAD and depression (endorphens). I also know it can keep me on track because if I have a bad day and restrict I feel terrible at the gym and it reminds me how I want to be strong. But it can also be hard sometimes dealing with the conflicting thoughts of your old ed and your new found passion to be fit and healthy. Sometimes I struggle with that.

When I wanted to do a fitness challenge I actually told my PT that I had suffered from anorexia when I was 15 (10 years ago) and although I consider myself recovered I still struggle with aspects of it. I also said because of this I may need to have an eating plan that is a bit more flexible as I wanted to avoid fear of eating foods not on the plan. They were really good and just gave me some minor guidance and not as strict a meal plan as they may give others. Would you be comfortable talking to your PT about it? They have probably worked with many people in a similar position. My PT says I wasn't his first recovered ed person and he wanted to encourage a healthy exercise and eating plan to suit me and my anxious and obsessional brain.

As I said above I consider myself recovered but I still fall off the band wagon every now and again. Sometimes I binge and sometimes I restrict. I have never had a full relapse, however I do have minor ones. I am always honest about it with my psychologist which has helped me stay on track. I find it gets worse when my depression or anxiety is playing up. It is a sign for me that something isn't quite right with my mental health. If you are concerned about your mental health don't be afraid to talk to your gp or psychologist. And it is ok to talk even if you are not fully relapsing. It is better to get on top of it early.

Hope some of this helps. You are not alone in this. I am here to support you and others. Feel free to ask me anything, I'm an open book

[jade-elizabeth]

Hi Ms Purple

Thanks for your response, it is refreshing to hear from people going through the same thing, because I do not have anyone to talk to who trueley understands.

I think it is best that I speak to my PT about my ED as you mentioned. Because I really want to see results in my training, and be eating the right foods, but like you said, it may be too much for our anxious and obsessional brains.

I have also found lately that I have began shutting myself off from my friends again, so that worries me a little too. Hopefully it is just a minor hiccup in my recovery - although like yourself, I do consider myself recovered.

I had stopped seeing my psychologist because of the financial stress it was placing on me, however, maybe this is a sign I need to revisit that.

Your help is greatly appreciated.

[BballJ]

Hi jade-elizabeth,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

Whilst I cannot relate exactly to your story, I read it and found it quite interesting. Is it maybe the fact that you were on a lifestyle where in reality you could eat what you wanted and now during this 8 week plan, I am assuming you have to cut out certain foods as you said sugar detox and your body is just reacting to something it is not used too? I am by no means a doctor so I am just thinking out loud here. Perhaps your so used to being in control of what you eat that now it is almost controlled by someone else (the program) it is causing these extra cravings. I am only relating this to the fact if I start a diet and cut out sugar and what not I just want to binge eat on it all because my body is trying to get what it is used too.

If you are concerned however about opening up old eating habits, I do strongly recommend you go back and see your doctor if possible and let them know what is happening so they monitor the situation closely.

My best for you,

Jay

[MsPurple]

Hi Jade-Elizabeth and thanks for replying back so promptly 🙂

I know how hard it can be to afford therapy. Have you got a current mental health care plan. Maybe see your GP if you need another one? this allows you to get some money back from medicare when you see the psychologist. Some can also bulk bill with this plan to. I had to also stop going for a bit as well due to me struggle to afford it. But I was getting unwell again so had to reshuffle the budget which was annoying but necessary. I just tried to get on top of packing lunches to work, and having friends do catchups at houses instead of cafes. I also looked into things I could cut back on. I also let them know I needed to save money and they understood.

I also have some bad days and good. One thing I have also found that has helped if I look in the mirror before starting my day and say 1 thing I like about myself and one thing about my appearance. It can be something small like 'I like my eye lashes'. It helps you with your confidence. And soon you will start good about yourself more and more. Well I found it has helped me a little anyways.