Fear of disappointing your partner or not loving them enough

[ladybird01]

Hello all,

I have had very mild anxiety through out my childhood (most of which I recently learnt I had repressed) but recently my anxiety has flared up enormously regarding my relationship.

My partner and I have been together for almost two years. We're from different countries and made the decision to get engaged so that we could marry here and he could get a visa. We were living in his country preparing to come out here  and now I am here (due to a family commitment) and we have been long distance for 2 months) and Up until 3 months ago I felt fine with it all and completely happy and excited. Then one morning I woke up with an intense pressure on my chest and stomach and my head was swimming with fearful thoughts surrounding my relationship. Never to do with him or anything he might do, it is always me in these fears. I have flashes of what if I don't love him anymore or do I love him enough or do I want all this with him. These fears just refuse to let go and get so strong that I start believing they're real. I lose the ability to tell myself what it is that I want. I have no idea of what's real and what is just a fear. 

 Has anyone felt this too? It's never a fear of him, it's always of me. Me disappointing or hurting him or not loving him. 

I have had two sessions with a psychologist and more coming up, but with him it's such a slow process while he paints a picture of the situation in order to help me deal with it. I need some way of stopping these fears when they come up, or some way to manage them effectively.

thank you ❤️

[CrashCoyote]

Hi ladybird01,

Sounds like nerves to me! Let's not preempt your psychologist, I am sure he is managing this with you.

If you can ask yourself if anything has happened to give you these dark thoughts, I imagine you'll come up empty handed.

I hope you get into a good place with this have a long, happy relationship with him.

Kind regards, John.

[AnxiousAnton]

I have been married to my wife for 2 years and we too are from different countries, recently due to visa issues and my wife needing to start her masters, I stayed in Aus and she went to over seas without me. Like you the first two months was great, i was excited but missed her terribly. Then the anxiety started....The exact same thoughts too, "What if she is the reason for my anxiety? Maybe then we are not meant to be together?" "What if I stop loving her?" "What if my being with her always makes me anxious for the rest of my life? Will i be forced to leave her?"

So its safe you and I are in the same hole.

I have been treated for anxiety on and off for the past 3 years and here is what i learnt.

As anxious people we tend to listen the thoughts that generate the largest emotional reaction. Since our loved ones are what matter most, the fear of loosing them insights a big emotional reaction so we have the tendency  to believe it. 

Now if you like me, early on in the relationship you tend to grow afraid of your partner leaving you, because of something you did or something in who you are.  I got passed this, and i was convinced that my wife loved me deeply and would never abandon me. SO now that thought is destroyed the next possible scenario of loosing my partner enters my mind, that I will leave her...

To get through these crappy thoughts, I sit some where quite and take long deep breaths and count to 100 backwards very slowly. I focus on my breathes in as much detail as possible. The point of this exercise is take control of your body again because the fear has pumped it full of adrenaline and you cant think straigh.

Then i remind my self that i am anxious therefore likely to not thinking straight then I challenge one scary thought at a time.  I try my best to prove to my self the thought is not true then i move on to the next.

Its an exhausting process but it does work....very slowly and you wont always notice it working but it does.

Stick with the psychologist and know that is unfortunately a slow process but one with a very high recovery rate

Best of luck

Anton 

[ladybird01]

Wow Anton thank you so much for posting. I feel like you're the first person I've spoken to who's going through the same. I'm sure we're not alone but I don't feel like people have quite understood what I meant.

 its just taken over me and left me feeling like I'm stuck in a hole or like my mind is swallowing me. 

 it is my first real truest serious relationship and I'm kind of shocked that I'm worried about me not doing enough loving, I would have assumed I'd be worried he didn't love me enough. It leaves me feeling a panic and sense of guilt that I'm putting him through this when he's so wonderful and supportive and loving. 

 may I ask whether these fears of not loving her enough made you feel guilt and almost like you didn't want to face her(on skype or whatever) because of the fear of seeing them disappointed when you told them how you're feeling? 

Thank you you again for commenting. I've tied myself up in knots this last week and it's just spiralled out of control because I have no strategies for managing it yet. 

[AnxiousAnton]

She is visiting me right now, and yes I so anxious when she was around. I felt so guilty for even considering the possibility of not loving her. Remind your self if you didn't Love your partner then you wouldn't be anxious. It is because you love him so much  that the fear that something about you will make you lose him. Remember it is not you that is creating these feelings, its anxiety! but it can be very persuasive. Talk to him about your anxiety in general terms if you like show him some videos.

Stick with the psychologist, read about CBT , deep breathing and the biology of anxiety as it will help you understand why things seem so real. Good luck friend and remember you're not alone in this. Me and many others are going through it too. Best of luck

[Chris_B]

Hi ladybird,

Just wanted to add to Anton's excellent suggestion about perhaps sharing videos about anxiety. We've made a series of clips featuring people with anxiety talking about what it's like that you might like to share as well: