Anxiety over new job interstate and need advice

Artsy_Chick · ‎17-12-2014

Hi Guys.

This is my first post and I just need some advice as my anxiety is going through the roof atm and I'm suffering bad headaches from my current dilemma.

It actually very exciting but unfortunately life isn't always straight forward and smooth sailing.

So without going into too much detail ill just say a bit a bout my situation. I am 28 engaged for 2 years in the relationship for almost 3. We love each other but I'm a bit stuck atm and i need a new job. I work in a very specialised field and i am also a teacher of what i do. I applied for a new job here but it is not ideal and doesn't have the specialist areas that i work in. I was also just offered a job interstate in Brisbane which is an amazing job with great pay and the people sound wonderful. dilemma is my partner won't go and my entire family are here in Melbourne. I don't know if i should go and use this as a opportunity for self growth and to spread my talents or if i should stay and take a job i don't really want which is not good pay and will have me working double what the one in Brisbane is offering.

I can take my dog with me but then of course i will need to pay rent and be alone. My family said they will all visit but i do worry about my mum as we are very close and i go see her all the time ( just cos I'm a mummys girl)

My partner was not over excited about the idea as you can imagine and said to me if i want it just go...but it wasn't said in a loving way like its great just go and he said never has he heard of long distance relationships working....i have.

I also said it wouldn't be more than a year and he would just have to visit. I also honestly think it might be good for us cos we will miss each other and we rarely see each other anyway (we live together) we have ridiculous schedules and he has never really done much with me anyway throughout the relationship.

I know that he could find work anywhere as he is multi talented. But i know he wouldn't want to leave his friends, which i can understand as they are very close. Me on the other side i don't have many friends and i am wanting to make new ones. I feel very bored here and need a change but i don't want to make the wrong decision and get there and ruin my life and live in regret.

Please help i need advice.

The Brisbane school said they are so excited to have me and they didn't even need an interview cos they love my work and know of me here in melbourne...

my anxiety is sooooo bad...

x

CrashCoyote · ‎17-12-2014

Hi Artsy_Chick,

I agree with you that this is a wonderful opportunity. You are so young (I'm at the other end of having a career!) and you sound like you really want it.

Of course you love your fiance and family and I do understand his interpretation that you leaving is "goodbye". I'm not much of a believer in long distance relationships, either. I was really wondering what I'd suggest - after all the decision must be yours - until I read that it is only for a year.

I think you are right that a year is manageable and am assuming you'd expect to be able to find work back in Melbourne after a year. It may well be that your career develops in Brisbane.

There is so much you need to think about, how important is your career to you? Are you planning on being a mum in the next few years (in spite of varying opinions, many mums - including my 27yo daughter - plan to return to work after the baby is born and then cannot bring themselves to!) and where do you see yourself in, say, five years.

I'd like to think that if your relationship is strong it will survive this challenge if you both manage it well and keep in touch and make the effort to see each other every few months. (How cheap are domestic air fares these days!)

Anyway, maybe someone younger than me can give better advice and you will probably get so many opinions that it won't help you in making your choice, but one thing is for sure, you will have to make a choice!

Kind regards, John.

Beltane · ‎17-12-2014

Hiya. Definitely a big dilemma for you. Regardless of what decision you make, I'd suggest getting to your GP and getting a Mental health Care Plan made up so you can get cheap visits to a therapist. They can help you manage your anxiety, learn coping skills, think in more realistic ways. they can also teach you decision making skills if making decisions is hard for you (though I think anyone would struggle with your current decision). If you move, they can help you deal with the adjustment of a nicew city, new job and homesickness. If you stay, perhaps they can offer some couples counselling to help you and your partner.

I wonder why your partner is nor more supportive. Yes its a big decision and perhaps hes worried the seperation would destroy your relationship. But i'd say, in that case, that the separation is not the real issue. After all, Brisbane to Melbourne is a 2 1/2 hour flight. If you're both earning decent money then the $150-$200 cost for a ticket every other weekend probably wont break the bank.

Can you write a list of pro's and con's and have a look at that for a few days- it might help you see the situation cclearer without the anxiety clouding your decision. Also, think about this. Breaking a contract is not the best look, but its not the end of the world either. If you get there and hate it, you can always give your required 4 weeks notice (or whatever) and come home.
If you don't take the job, do you think you'll regret it? Will you sit here wondering "what if"?

I'm really not understanding why your partner isn't talking about this a little more reasonably with you. You're getting married- that means you'll be deciding to spend your lives together, which means working together. Sometimes you'll need to support his decisions, and sometimes he needs to support yours. My partner's goal career will have him work odd hours and have us move towns possibly several times during our lives. But my career can go anywhere I go, so it doesn't matter where we live. I can always catch a train or fly down to see my family and friends. I'm absolutely prepared to do this, because I support him, and he supports me in my dreams. And in our relationship its ME who has the severe anxiety and bipolar!

So I think maybe he should at least discuss the issue more reasonably with you. Instead of simply say "it wont work" he could come up with ideas on how it CAN work. Any relationship will work if BOTH people want it to work- no matter the distance!