Fantasy Gone Wrong

[Sandonz]

Story of my life,.self inflicted fantasies, about someone from my past. Someone who I was cheating with while I was living with my partner at the time. I was only 22. I feel very guilty now as I was so wrong. A lot of the details I cant even remember. At first it was just a matter of fantasising about happy memories, and what might have been. Now it has become a matter of obsessive thoughts. A year ago I took it too far, found contact details and made phone contact after 40 years, it started well and deteriated. I became obsessed with meeting up with him.The actual meeting went reasonably well ..My hubby took me to see him but doesnt know the full story. Then 2 months later another phone call which in my opinion started ok and then deteriated. Mainly because I started talking about my guilt from the past. So now my mind constantly goes over and over the conversations .. what I should have said and what I could have said. Its been 6 months since last contact. He has never contacted me, but has been friendly and kind the 3 times I have spoken to him. We are both married to other people for more than 35 years. and to complicate it even further, both men know each other through business, not as close friends but they also have friends in common through their industry. My hubby has no idea how tormented my mind is. I am constantly analysing each conversation, and knowing I stuffed it totally. All I wanted from this renewed contact was friendship. But he has moved on with wife family etc., and rightly so. He did say a few confusing things in first conversation that totally had me confused and misread the situation, leading me to talk too much and raise the past, which I shouldnt have done so I feel that he was partly at fault for me saying some of the things I did. My mind just swings from one scenario to another, wondering if he thinks Im crazy.. which I most likely am. Now I just want to forget the whole thing I want the unwanted thoughts to stop, I want my guilt to stop over what I did then, and I want my secrets from my husband to stop. I cant tell him, but if I could stop the thoughts I would be happier person, and then I could re connect with my hubby , who is a good man, and loyal to me always. Ive googled everything I can, read a lot of self help books, seeing a psychologist, on meds to help with OCD. In total this has been going on for approx 14 months. Any perspective on this would be greatly appreciated.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Your guilt must be torturous and I have had bouts of it also.

I don’t know about you but for me it is a case if returning to the people if that era and “fixing” what went wrong. “Saving the world” is what my therapist said in 1987.

So I’ve done this many times. Two years ago sent s message to an old Air Force buddy I’d had fisticuffs with in 1976. And didn’t get a reply. Before I dated my wife in 2008 I looked up an old flame I’d dated in 1977, she was still single 31 years later! But it didn’t work out.

My most misguided action was once apologising to my first wife, a clear narcissist that had never apologised in 11 years, but I felt I must have done something wrong for the Marriage to have failed! No, I did very little wrong and should not have had the guilt.

please google

beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

Beyondblue topic capacities and expectations

or use search bar at the top

reply anytime to chat mire

TonyWK

[quirkywords]

Sandonz

welcome to this forum. You are not alone and are supported.

The past can seem so enticing and I feel the older we get the more we want to go back and see old friends,

Guilt is something I know but it does. Ot help you or your partner,

youbtried to meet up and you both have changed.

you have nothing to feel guilty for.
Tony has given you some helpful suggestions.
you are a caring person. I once tried to reconnect some 25 years later but I made a fool of myself. I decided to look forward and stop thinking is what if and if only.

quirky

[Sandonz]

Hi Tony WK, thankyou for your supportive reply. It is now 6months and 12 days and I still have not recontacted the friend from my past, since last phone call nor has he recontacted me, which does not surprise me. I do feel a bit as if I have made a fool of myself, complicated by the fact he knows my hubby. I worry what he must be thinking of me, not that I can do anything about that. I wonder if he has told his wife and family. Im still confused about him saying to me a couple of odd things like saying he was married "at this point in time" which was actually what got me off track and saying things that I hadnt intended to. Calling me "sweetie" both times I phoned him, and when we met, accompanied with a friendly hug, Its the mixed messages that really did me in... I am not feeling quite so tortured since verbalising to psychologist and writing on here. Still not completely free of the unhappy thoughts though.

[Sandonz]

hi Quirky, Thank you for the support. Usually I prefer not to re connect with old friends. I am a loner who has only a few close friends and even then, I don't confide in any of them, I am here if they need to confide in me, and I give support. This however is something I cant share with a single soul other than anonymously on this forum. Yes Tony's suggestions are good ones. I am also trying to look forward and reconnect with my hubby who is a good man, but there are some underlying issues there too . The crazy thing about friend from the past, was I never loved him, Don't think he loved me either.. it could never have progressed, as he never would have trusted me, as I was with a partner at the time who I was cheating on. (Because the relationship was in trouble) I loved that partner, and went on to marry him about a year later... didn't work out, however. Just reading that, it seems to be a pattern... current situation has issues, so I look for something else to make me feel better. I really don't think I thought it all through.. There is no way old friend would want to have any more to do with me, than a one off friendly catch up, and I got 2 phone calls and a face to face visit...so I got more than I deserved, and he wasn't unkind or rude, just indicated by his silence that he has moved on. I just wish I could too. I did get the impression from him that he has a good memory of the past even though 40 years ago, and I only have a very few vague memories, and I think the missing memories are a big part of my not being able to let go of it.

[Sandonz]

Well here I am again... Nearly another month has passed.. I still have not contacted him, and he has not contacted me either. I think I am slowly healing mentally, as I only dwell on this about 70 % of my time instead of nearly every waking moment. I have had 2 therapy sessions which I dont think have helped. She has got me doing an exercise straight out of text books, and funnily enough I had already read that book, which was a bit helpful, but if thats all she can offer, it looks like I better save my money and continue with self help books and googling. All my symptoms seem to point to Limerance. A term I had never heard of, til I googled Infatuation. Psychologist has not even mentioned that possibility. I will keep trying to find things in life to make living enjoyable, but health issues and chronic pain due to fibromyalgia, and withdrawal from most things due to anxiety and depression are making it difficult.

[Sandonz]

Hi Tony WK,

I posted an update today, still struggling, but marginally better. Hope you are doing ok... cheers Sandonz

[white knight]

Hi Sandonz

yeh, I missed your update- currently building our house atm. Glad you posted again to push it to the top.

Well it looks like you’re getting some progress and that’s what time usually produces.

Im guessing here but I think the happiest married individual in the world gets flattered by compliments. If there is cracks in your relationship especially lacking affection then these signals of praise would draw you to that person.

Lack of mind control leads to obsessive thoughts in my experience. I’ve envied people with staunch decision making, I’m decisive but the “what if’s” really plague me. I know I get that from my estranged mother who used to one day like a neighbour and the next she was an evil person.

My therapist in 1987 noticed this and worked on realism. He taught me to ask myself on each occasion several times a day “is what I’m thinking realistic”?

Your old friend is a prime example. Searching for a friend that was a liver 40 years ago “just to be friends” doesn’t sound realistic to me. (I hope I’m not being too blunt). Perhaps “what could have been” or “a dream materialising” is the sub conscious.” I don’t know but whatever it is, it is not realistic imo and the effect of this is overall negative for you and likely others.

I haven’t heard of Limerance either. I don’t and have never studied mental health- I just convey my experience as a peer adviser.

I hope you stay contact free with your old friend. Remember- time is your friend.

place in search bar

The secret for mind control

Who cries over spilt milk?

Control your life

Regards

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Sandonz

I'm wondering if you find excitement through remembering excitement. Remembering excitement can definitely bring us back to life in plenty of ways. While I look back on some of the guys I dated earlier in my life, while these guys were emotionally abusive in some ways, it doesn't take away from the fact they were exciting to be with. So, I could honestly say that they come to mind occasionally when I'm not feeling excitement in my life. In other words, when I am feeling dismembered from a sense of excitement, I re-member excitement within myself through referencing exciting memories. Hope all that makes sense.

With the guilt aspect, I try to see guilt as kind of like a signpost. If I am facing guilt, I am facing 2 paths of choice. One path is the path of repeat performance, performing the same destructive behaviour that can lead to sufferance. The other path is the path of reformation, where I am no longer that person who would choose to take the 1st path. Guilt is there to make me choose who I'm going to be from this moment forward. It is the point of conscious choice. Even though guilt can involve pain of some nature as we perhaps reference past destructive actions, it remains a constructive reference point for the need for change. Great sufferance comes from standing still and looking back over our shoulder. My greatest wish for you at this time in your life is for you to move forward with confidence and constructive answers to your self questioning.

Do you think reconnecting with this guy was a way of trying to make sense of how you're feeling right now in life? Do you think you're trying to work out what it is you need in your life? Do you feel you need more excitement? Are you worried you can't find excitement in your husband? Have you considered talking with him about how the both of you can discover new ways to reconnect with a sense of excitement? I know, I ask a lot of questions, hey 🙂

When it comes to the connection between mental and physical health, a great read for you just might be 'Becoming Supernatural' by Dr Joe Dispenza. He's an amazing guy and a brilliant author. There are some incredible accounts within this book about how a change of mind can bring about a change of physical well being and vice versa. Just a thought.

You sound like a thoughtful person, in search of answers. When on such a quest, it always pays to wonder about what would make the difference in our life, especially when we can no longer stand sameness.

🙂