Every part of me is screaming inside, but know if I give over to it, it'll only make things worse. The breakdown I can't afford to have...

Franniesplace · ‎20-09-2016

I'm suffering from anxiety symptoms. I feel like every fibre of my muscles want to run or freeze simultaniously, and my throat and chest feels like I've been screaming and I've been like this on and off for a couple of weeks. I'm trying to just keep moving, one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I'm better when I'm distracted, but I have a job which has me in stressful situations regularly. Normally this doesn't phase me, but in my heightened state I'm struggling to keep going. The professionals advise taking a break, that maybe work isn't right for me at the moment but I run my own business, and taking a break is simply not that easy and would in fact create more stress in my life. How can people afford to have "breakdowns"?! The other option is to try medication, which last time I tried it, it made my symptoms worse and made it impossible for me to do my job due to the sides effects anyway - Catch 22. If I want to try medications, I understand I need to give them long enough to have some effect but they actually left me incapacitated in the meantime. If I don't try the medications, I don't know how I am going to keep going. The unavoidable need to cope is actually just putting more pressure on me when I feel like I just can't.

Externally, most people don't see what is going on in my head just to get through the day, so when I hit the point where I can't move forward one more step, they act like "but you were fine a minute ago".

I don't know what my question is. I know there is no easy fix. And that is part of the fear. How long will I feel like this? How can I make it stop before I can't fight it anymore. I guess I just jumped on here to reach out...

romantic_thi3f · ‎20-09-2016

Hi Franniesplace,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out to us. I recommend that you check out the anxiety part of the site if you haven't already and have a look at the resources.
It sounds as though you have a lot of insight into anxiety; what that looks like for you, the idea of starting medication and the pros/cons. Certainly managing anxiety and a new medication while running your own business is not an easy feat; but maybe the consequences of not managing anxiety are higher.

Have you considered talking to a therapist? There are many different ways that can help manage anxiety and medication is only one of them. This might be worth considering.

Are you aware of what triggers this response in you? What have you tried when this happens? Anxiety can certainly be managed with therapy and/or medications, but a lot of people can successfully manage it with self-help techniques. Breathing exercises, muscle relaxation/tension, thought challenging, mindfulness and yoga are certainly some ways that can be useful. This is all non-invasive and wouldn't affect your capacity to work.

There are also self-help programs that are online that might be useful if you're not comfortable with therapy or you prefer to be at home. An example of this is Mindspot which is free - https://mindspot.org.au/

As to your question about how long, unfortunately I can't answer that. The process of managing anxiety is very different for everyone. For a lot of people, learning what triggers their anxiety can be half the battle - where as others can have anxiety that progress into panic attacks; so it varies widely person to person. It also depends on what makes anxiety feel worse/better and how often they are willing to confront those feelings and thoughts. It can be a hard process but a worthwhile one too. The good thing is though that if you are willing to fight it, there are lots of resources and tools that can help you.

Hope this helps

Hope74 · ‎21-09-2016

I hear and feel everything you just said. My mind won't stop racing . I have a million thoughts and every one of them is causing my heart to race . Internal Silence is deafening. I want to surrender but run and fight at the same time. My nerves feel heightened and I'm just trying to keep my game face on to get through the next hour. I too am under immense pressure . A family to look after , a business to run ,a job to do, an image to portray. For the past 2 weeks I have been on auto pilot. It's a coping mechanism I guess. I don't know how long it's going to last . I just need it stop and don't know how . I feel judged , that things are expected of me and I expect things of myself. I have so many emotions running at the same time it's exhausting me. No one would ever know though. It makes me feel weak to admit it which just makes it worse . I don't feel it's ever gonna be ok to say I'm not ok. My family do not judge . They are supportive but they cannot possibly understand what's happening to me right now . I'm super sensitive to absolutely everything . A comment , a look , I am an elastic band at full tension . Why is this happening ? God only knows....... None of this is helpful to you but perhaps now you know you aren't alone in the way you are feeling......

MarkJT · ‎23-09-2016

Hey Franniesplace, well done for reaching out. Sometimes you do not need to ask a question as what you wrote says enough.

First thing i would I would recommend is undertaking a course in mindfulness. It works. It is all about living in the present and not worrying about the future nor the past. When you get accustomed to it, you use to ground yourself when anxiety rises. Look at the clouds, the shapes, the colours, the thickness. Look at the stars also.

I assume you have a smart phone, in the app store (both apple and android) there is an app called "PTSD Coach". Within that app is a great breathing exercise. You must learn to breath. Controlling your breath when anxious is hard to do and this app will help you master it.

Load up your phone/ipod etc with some really relaxing music. For me i have a few different playlists. Some slow soothing music, some hard rock and some heavy rock. Depending on my mood and how anxious i was, id listen to a certain playlist.

I had a time where i was climbing up to a massive anxiety attack but i managed to calm myself down. It gave me so much confidence that it really accelerated my learnings and confidence on how to overcome it. Make no mistake, you can overcome it. You just have to work out what is best for you. Remember that different people require different types of medications. Seek out and speak to a good psych. Short term pain with trying to work out what meds (if you go down that route) will result in long term gain. You are right, there is no easy fix but if you put your mind to it and dedicate time to it, you will overcome it and get your life back.

Awesome work reaching out - that's what this excellent forum is for.

Franniesplace · ‎26-09-2016

Thanks everyone for your advice. I am trying to do all the right things. I have a great therapist, a great mindfulness app, I try distraction and changing my state of mind with music. I'm currently investigating the possibility that this may be linked to a physical issue, having discovered a deficiency in calcium and vitamin D. And all my hopes are hanging on that. That's fixable. That's a reason. That's physical and not just mental. I am waiting another week to do another blood test to see, but in the meantime it just doesn't stop. The screaming on the inside. I'm not sure what's harder, going along indefinitely feeling this way inside but outwardly chugging along or collapsing entirely. Fancy actually wishing for some sort of complete breakdown?! I read recently about a celebrity who "had a breakdown" and couldn't talk for a few days but was then sent off to some nice retreat to relax and do yoga until they felt better. Oh, if only it was that simple.

romantic_thi3f · ‎27-09-2016

Hi Franniesplace,

I'm glad to hear that you've been working with a therapist and it sounds like you've learned about some great techniques with the mindfulness app, music and distraction. What app do you use? How do you distract yourself?

I'm just wondering what happens for you when you have anxiety; you mentioned that there is screaming on the inside. What is the screams? What are they saying?

The reason why I ask is because often with mindfulness the intention is to 'observe' in a non-judgemental way. Some apps just tell you to breathe which is great, but with mindfulness the intention is much deeper. Often it's not until we start to listen instead of wanting to fix that we can start to manage the anxiety. Next time you feel the anxiety come on; maybe start to notice a bit more; what are you thinking, how are you reacting, how does it feel within your body? Do you notice that you are blaming yourself for not being able to 'fix it'?

I hope that this helps and encourage you to maybe try this approach. Also I can definitely agree with wanting a celebrity breakdown; being whisked away to a nice retreat sounds wonderful. If only 🙂 I guess the upside of that though is that we don't have to have a breakdown to start taking care of ourselves; being whisked away in a retreat is wonderful; but how can you recreate that experience at home? Maybe there could be little investments here and there that can still make you feel pampered - having a bath with candles, a manicure/pedicure, buying yourself some delicious treats from a store, doing yoga, reading...