Emotional regulation and anxiety

[expressionless]

Hi guys,

does anyone have an tips on emotional regulation or why this may be happening in my particular scenario. So I find myself able to regulate my emotions fairly easily when by myself if something arises that may cause stress(examples of work changing time, something going off schedule etc). However when I am with my partner this proves a lot more difficult. For example the other day when we were meeting some friends, he was a little late to pick me up. When he got to me, I started getting really anxious about why he was late, started crying and all that. However if this situation arised by myself, I would tend to calm myself and tell myself that it doesn't matter too much. It's like I tend to overreact more when he is present, and I just want to be as strong (or as quick) to change my behaviour and calm the anxiety earlier before it becomes a big thing.

Any tips or thoughts??

[quirkywords]

Expressionless

thanks for reaching  out. In a relation sometimes we want to be our best but we worry about small things.

can you try to tell yourself the same things you would when alone when you are with your partner.

[Mark Z.]

Hi Expressionless,

I'm sorry for your challenge. It's not uncommon for people to feel more vulnerable in the presence of their loved ones, which can lead to more intense emotional reactions. It sounds like you care a lot about your partner and want to have a healthy emotional balance with him.

Would you mind if I ask whether this happens only with your partner or with other loved ones, such as family members, close friends, or even with a wider group of people?

Mark

[expressionless]

Hi Mark,

So when I was a lot younger I believe it may have happened with friends but that was a while ago. Currently, I do feel similar and find my self having outburst sometimes towards my dad, due to some personal reasons. So I wouldn't say everyone but yes certainly similar ties with a family member.

[Willow Jude]

Hi expressionless,

I too find I have less of a handle on my emotions when I am around people with whom I’m comfortable/familiar, as being with them feels like a ‘safe space’ where I can be vulnerable and authentic, whereas when I’m on my own I know there’s going to be no-one to help me, which forces me to handle things myself a bit better as I don’t really have a choice. 

One of the biggest things that I find subconsciously drives my emotional dysregulation, particularly around others, is a need for validation, so I try to combat this by using self-validation. I acknowledge what I’m feeling, why I’m feeling it, that it is tough, and that it makes sense that I’m upset. I find it even more beneficial to write this down - I use a journal when I’m at home or you could have a little notebook or write in your phone when you’re out - but acknowledging these things in your mind without writing it is still beneficial! 

I also try to manage big emotions by self-soothing. I find it helpful to do things like listening to music and really focussing on the beat, smelling soothing aromas, mindfully focussing on what I can hear around me, and using fidgets/sensory items, but there’s a whole range of things that might work for you. While these are definitely not a ‘fix’ for emotional problems, I find they help me to regulate and to stop being so overwhelmed, and I’m then in a better position to handle things. 

Hope you’re able to find some insight/ideas to help you on your mental health journey 🙂

- WJ

[expressionless]

Hi Willow,

Thank you so much for this post, it's given me lots of insight on why I may be feeling this way, especially self validation which is something new I will try. I do a few of those self-soothing things occasionally (using fidget spinners and journaling) but I could definitely do a lot more.

[Mark Z.]

Hi expressionless,

Thank you for your reply. I think it makes sense and it's not uncommon.

Try to recognise your true feelings, accept it, do more self-reflection and practice strategies to cope.

Aim for regulation in your emotions, not repression. Don’t try to ignore or suppress your emotions, but rather acknowledge them and express them in healthy ways. You can communicate clearly with your partner. I think as long as you are honest and kind when you share your feelings and listen attentively when he shares his, your mutual understanding and trust will be strengthened, and he will appreciate it and be supportive. Don’t pretend to feel something you don’t or hide your true emotions from your partner.

It will also be helpful if you take a look at the impact of your emotions. Ask yourself how your emotions affect your behavior, thoughts and actions in the relationship. Are they helpful or harmful? Do they bring you closer or push you away from your partner? Increased self-awareness might be able to help you regulate your emotion and behaviour.

In addition, you can practice emotional balance independent of your relationship. Find ways to cope with stress, anxiety, anger or sadness on your own, such as meditation, exercise, hobbies or therapy.

If it's too challenge for you, seek professional help.

Hope everything will be better.

Mark