Eating disorder, how to help

[ecomama]

Hello everyone

Yeah me again.  

This isn't the first time someone has mentioned that I may have an eating disorder' but since realising that I was in denial over PTSD very recently, I reckon I have been in denial over this too. Sigghhhh… at this point I'm like 'throw it on the pile' and I'll tell my MH support people.

I'm pretty sure I know the origins, childhood. When there was barely any food for many years. Luckily we moved to an old neighbourhood, to live in a shed mind you, where there were lots of old fruit trees. I learnt how to climb the trees, open the fruit like a pro and after taking out any larvae in it, eat the fruit. Not to scare my little brothers, I would make out this was fun but I was always scared there wouldn't "be enough" for them. I fed them first and would often be out till after dark still starving and shaking.

It morphed into back to back dieting and forever restricting food. Then overeating then back again.
As an adult I went to overeaters anonymous for years. I'm not sure if this helped at all but I learnt some things.
My mother always grew food and I do the same. Probably compulsively through many hard years.

I had to get food from church food pantries to feed my family over many years as I dealt with back to back Courts, paying for legals was a nightmare. I was always worried that there wouldn't be enough food for the children. I cooked the same foods in as many ways as I could, so the children would be less sad and hope they wouldn't feel deprived. Basically now I seldom feel hungry but don't eat as much as I know others do ie my children.

How did you help yourself with an eating disorder?
Was there any specific therapy that helped?

Thankyou for any feedback in advance.

EM

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi ecomama,

Thank you for your post and I'm sorry this one got a bit lost in the forums!

First up, where are you getting all these diagnoses from? I hope that if they are from friends and not mental health professionals you are taking them with a serious grain of salt!

I appreciate you opening up about your relationship with food. It makes sense that from your history you have or could have an eating disorder with that background. It can be so hard to take care of our bodies and nourish ourselves when we don't always know where food is coming from or being restricted in our eating (intentionally or not!).

Generally when I think of eating disorders I think of things such as Anorexia, Bulimia or Binge Eating Disorder. It doesn't seem like you've quite described anything that fits with that - even though technically none of that matters in repairing your relationship with food.

I think a big part of therapy could be about allowing yourself to eat - helping your mind know that there is food now, you won't go without and you don't have to restrict. Our brain likes predictability- knowing that it can have hunger cues and have them be met, and knowing that there is safety in getting a variety of food.

I hope that this helps a little - of course this is something to have a chat about with your therapist. There's not one specific therapy that helps but can be a little trial and error in what suits you and your needs.

rt

[ecomama]

Thankyou romantic_thi3f

I will definitely need to speak with my new psych about this one too (after we deal with the flashbacks). I hope and pray it's not an eating disorder and it's difficult to describe because it has morphed into different looking EDs over the years.

The cause and the manifestation would be a focus, I see connections. I will listen to the psych in relation to this, I promise myself.

No, sadly it has been any medical professional I have been brave enough to disclose to that has mentioned it. Basically I was in purposeful denial over it all.

I was "allowing" myself this one thing to go unnoticed, and therefore untreated, as I dealt with far too many things that absorbed more than my waking hours and getting help for my children through their ordeals in relation to Courts.

Now, I hope, that the Courts are done at least for now, and the kids are 'safe' and getting back in to more normal life, I need to take it out from under the rug and realise it.

The 'safe food supply' is a huge one. I cannot seem to get 'there'll be enough for the children'. That mindset just won't budge.

EM

[ecomama]

Hi rt

I know you were concerned that I was getting feedback from friends about what diagnoses they thought I might have.

It's quite the opposite, my friends kept telling me there was 'nothing wrong' with me at all. I didn't bring up everything with them, but the little I did share which was feedback from counsellor / psych friends, and I want to note that psych friends were barely saying anything, I think just whatever they thought I could cope with at the time.

In fact one psych friend and a paid psych I was seeing way back, both friends, caused more harm at the time as they were listening to my exH who was the abuser. They allowed themselves to be used for harm by the abuser.

When I got my head around how narcs and psychopaths use 'triangulation', I told them both. The paid psych was in tears about it. I had been admonished to the high heavens by her and her treatment of me was disgusting. She mentioned everything but PTSD. I told
Psych friend about that meeting and that was it for our friendship lol.

I think not being able to be honest with my friends, because they shut me down saying nothing's wrong, in combination with the above events, I went into denial. I went into years of Courts so didn't have time to scratch myself tbh.

It's only now in a more externally peaceful place in my life that I am allowing myself time to reflect on the words of those professionals whom I had respect for. Hence the 'eating disorder' chime rang.

Hope that's more clear?

Thankyou for your feedback, it's made me realise how it has come to mind now.

EM

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi ecomama,

It's good to hear back from you! I know that you've been around the forums for a while and I'm thinking that's a little tricky now because I don't know your history (which I'm sure you've talked about elsewhere) - so when you mention courts and flashbacks, abuse and a (terrible) psychologist, I can see you've been through quite the ringer! But it also makes me not want to ask too many questions to avoid all the double up from you too.

So - thinking about the eating disorder, you wrote 'I hope and pray it's not an eating disorder' - what would it mean for you if the current psychologist you are seeing said they thought it might be?

Totally understand the stuck mindset about safety too - the fact that it won't budge is exactly why it's such a sticking point! It really is a learning process, kind of like in the same way that you can avoid or minimise flashbacks by reminding yourself that you are in fact safe now. So much easier said than done 🙂

What do you think you need the most from the forums, or how can we help you with your current psych? (who I hope is a lot better than your last one!)

rt

[ecomama]

Dear rt, thankyou for responding.

I laughed when you wrote, "what would it mean if my current psych said I did have an eating disorder"... well a few things lol. It would come as no surprise really. It would confirm that I have been in denial over this too, just as I have other things. It would also mean that I could address this more formally and get the right treatment for it all - hopefully. I think it's going to be addressed through this psych. I guess I was preparing myself a bit.

You ask what I would hope to gain from the forums. Well Croix asked same a while back.
I said "belonging".

I know now it's even more than that and moreover that. It's "clarity".

I have friends that are quite perplexed when I say I need MH help. NO ONE, not even my bosses and work colleagues can "see" it. That's fine and I know I've learnt to hide it all well most of the time. But no one knows the internal machinations of the mind as well as the person themselves.

I haven't begun with my new psych yet. I start next week. Basically my counsellor, that I will keep alongside my psych support, has had to deal with HUGE issues I've been going through for years. Severe abuse, systemic abuse, reporting, disclosures from my children, dear God almost everything.

She has never known another person to have survived all this. There are timely reasons why. She had never met someone who'd had to report to a Royal Commission.

Many people give up, give in, the stress is so unbelievable. I didn't. My children's lives were at stake. I would never abandon them. I pushed hard and followed through with every thing.

So here we are. Now things are somewhat 'calmer' lol albeit externally. Apparently my mind is allowed the space to 'drop down' issues I have been ignoring. A deliberate denial as I was thrown in a lava pot.

The things flowing from my mind have been spinning my head off lol.

So in addition to 'belonging' and 'clarity', I would like to gain a safe space to express issues with, quite likely, others who know same / similar. AND to use the site to steady myself with the Wellbeing spaces, which is working somewhat.

If I can describe some of the eating disorder history when I start my leave, then maybe that will help. Basically I believe it stems from life situations I was in as a child and an adult. Thank God for Church food pantries lol.

EM

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi EM,

I'm glad that I made you laugh! Wasn't quite expecting that though ha, but your answers and reasons completely make sense. It sounds like you are getting some incredible support from your counsellor. I imagine she sees you as someone with a hell of a lot of inner strength knowing there is nobody else like you. I hope that you are able to see a little bit of what she sees too! What made you want to see a psych given how much support you are getting from your counsellor?

You mentioned denial a few times- is this negative for you, in the sense that you blame myself - or is it more 'this is what it is'? This one is probably a weird question but I think it really matters since denial can be tied to so much shame.

I think with the eating disorder, it's probably important to know that the therapy/treatment wouldn't change whether you have the diagnosis or not. So if your psych decided that the diagnosis didn't fit your experiences, please don't let that mean that she won't help you with what you are experiencing.

Reading about the things you want to get out of the forums - do you think you are, like it's meeting your needs? Or maybe there's needs that haven't been met yet... I guess I'm thinking about how I can help personally given you've been here for a little while and what I might be able to offer that you need and haven't gotten yet.

rt

[ecomama]

Oh my gosh rt, the responses you are giving to me are astounding really. You are putting out things I haven't thought of, like you can see the forest for the trees & I'm still in the forest! so THANK YOU! follow your impulse lol. I can laugh at myself 🙂

First question first. Yes my beautiful counsellor, I have pushed her beyond her limits, she told me, in a kind way, meaning that she has sought more help from colleagues and attended more courses (on my issues) than any other client in 30y. Same with my lawyers and barristers lol!

I'm just that kinda gal really lol.

A very 'close friend' is doing her Honours in Psychology. She has engaged more recently in my inner most thoughts. I know that as her knowledge grows, so do the lenses in which she 'sees' people changes. A number of weeks back, she said that even though I love my counsellor, friend thinks I needed a far more tailored program for my PTSD by a trauma specialist. Someone who has done extensive study in the field of C-PTSD and PTSD.

I kind of ignored friend thinking, yeah that's nice dear, thanks for sharing.... move onto a few weeks later... friend saw & heard me 'dissociating' and although she was terrified, explained gently that the situation was urgent.

I took that advice and started searching. Another 2 helpline psychs said they could hear me dissociating too. I searched far more ardently as my anxiety grew over another issue.

I need to re-integrate myself.

Thankyou for bringing up denial. I truly believe that my mind did whatever it could to protect me, as I fiercely battled in Court - contrary to my nature completely. Yes rt, it is absolutely what it is, whatevs lol. Denial is the least of my issues considering dissociation. I believe it will all come together, somehow.

Thankyou for that paragraph on the eating disorder stuff. That is a great suggestion. As the toxic overlay of my life dissipates more and more, dealing with flashbacks / triggers etc, I think I can establish a refreshed approach to living including to food. Being aware is the first step for me. I am finding my organic garden after it's destruction, my leave starts soon and I want to put up a greenhouse and grow food in there. In order to co-regulate, it helps having a hired gardener with a gnome like personality lol. I think you've helped uncover a great strategy for co-regulation. Amazing. Thankyou!

EM