Do I have nicety or am I just overthinking it?

[Guest_46301980]

So, just a little preview of what I’m talking about, I’m basically wondering if I actually have an anxiety problem/disorder (idk what to call it) or if I’m just overthinking things or if it’s a different issue. (Also just a disclaimer, I am still in my teenage years, but I’m in my senior years of high school, close to my HSC)

I’ve suffered from multiple emotional “attacks” (for lack of better words) throughout my life, and I’ve recently been researching anxiety as a solution to my problems. The thing is, I don’t show many of the common signs of anxiety, but I do show some other signs. Like, I love public speaking. I’ve volunteered to speak at assemblies and to go first for drama performances. But as soon as I’m out of school, I’m a wreck. I can’t look servers in the eye at restaurants and I refuse to order things at a person, I’ll do it at a kiosk. Idk if that’s just social anxiety or if I’m just difficult.

I’ve also been having major test anxiety. Like full on panic attacks, having to go to the welfare rooms anxiety. And it’s not like me being unprepared, I would study for weeks before the test because I’m so worried of failing. And I’ve been put into learning support for that stuff (which has really helped with how I feel and perform too), but I need a proper diagnosis for anxiety for me to keep doing tests in a small group rather than with the rest of my year (which I’ll come back to later).

Another little thing, I’ve been getting panic attacks at night. I used to have bad panic attacks in primary school (worrying if my family was safe, etc). It started to get really bad when I would like- hallucinate things-. Like I was dreaming but I was still awake, I had no control of my body. It got so bad one night, that I ran from my room, stood in the hallway, called my dad a monster, then threw up on the floor. That stuff has been coming back recently (havn’t been getting that stuff for years and now it’s back?). Not so much the hallucinating, but more the hysterical crying and scratching my face and arms to the point where they would bleed (like I don’t mean to scratch myself, it just happens).

My parents flat out refuse to go to the doctors or let me go back to my physiologist (which is so stupid, bc they said that I’ve already been, which is true, because I went to get help with my sleep and to stop worrying so much about sleeping, not about test anxiety). Idk what to do at this point. Like, do I even bother trying to get a diagnosis anymore? Is there anything to really look for or am I just going insane? I can get rides to places nd I have my own money to pay for things, I just don’t know if it’s worth it or not.

[sbella02]

Hey, thank you so much for posting here, we warmly welcome you to the forums. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all of this. It sounds like your experience is quite complex and nuanced, so I'll try my best to offer some advice based on my reading of it. 

Firstly, what do you hope for if you do receive a diagnosis? 

In my experience, a diagnosis can do a few things for you. Putting a label on something that you've been silently struggling with can help you reassure yourself or others that what you're going through has a name and documented consequences. It can often put you in a better position to seek relevant treatments based on that label (eg: antidepressants). It can also allow you to seek others who might have similar experiences, to help you feel less alone in your struggles. A diagnosis can be quite meaningful to some people, so it depends on what you hope that it will do for you.

Secondly, I too enjoy public speaking but struggle with anxiety attacks. I've learned that when these happen, I need to find myself in a quiet place (if I'm in public, this is usually a bathroom) to recuperate and be with my own thoughts. If necessary, I commence squared breathing - breathing in for four seconds, hold for four, out for four, hold for four - or think of five things I can see, four things I can touch, three things I can hear, two things I can smell, and one thing I can taste. These are two very classic techniques for calming anxiety. 

For anxiousness that is more prolonged, journaling is one of my go-to methods, where I'll write either what's on my mind at that moment, or what's been on my mind, or an event that I can recall, or even something entirely unrelated. Listening to ASMR can help calm you as well, or just relaxing videos in general.

It might be possible to give yourself some extra time when it comes to tests, if you feel like this would calm your anxiety. If you approach a school counsellor about how you've been feeling, particularly your test anxiety, you might be able to discuss your options with them. A conversation with a school counsellor might even be useful to you in general, as talking to an objective third party can be therapeutic. 

With regards to having urges to inflict pain on yourself, even if these are subconscious, it may help to equip yourself with a few stress balls or plush things that you can squeeze instead. 

If you would be able to get to a GP, therapist, or physiologist on your own, it may be worthwhile if this is something that you feel is debilitating. Provided you can access these services without your parents, this may be a good route to take to start feeling better, or at least to get some professional advice on where to go from here. A school counsellor may be the budget-friendly approach, depending on your level of comfort and the feasibility of accessing services outside of school. 

I hope this helps, and please feel free to keep chatting with us if you need, we're here for you.

All the best, SB