derealisation

[tpman]

hello,

just wandering if anyone can relate to this as its kinda spinning me out...

i've been on and off medication (mainly on) for anxiety/depression for 10 years. I find one of the great things about being OFF meds is how the world feels to me. It's like the volume gets turned up, the environment seems richer, people seem clearer. There's just an overall sense of clarity...

Anyway - I've recently been through a traumatic few months triggered by coming off my meds... Although my anxiety/dep returned, it was good in the sense I experienced what I mentioned above (clarity returning) In-fact I felt more alive/myself than ever. I ended up having to leave my job due to the anxiety/depression becoming intolerable... I then went back on meds and in the first week or so started experiencing INTENSE panic attacks (for the first time). I was experiencing extreme emotional states to the point I was dry reaching/vomiting.

Anyway meds eventually kicked in and started to feel a bit better, but I decided that I wanted to stop the meds again and use my time off work to work on my issues without the meds. However, this time around I noticed the clarity did not return. As time went on I slipped into what was diagnosed as melancholic depression. I was not sleeping at all, had extreme agitation and panic attacks and was hospitalised a cpl times. I think a lot of my panic was caused by why I wasn't feeling that clarity I usually do when off meds. I was also feeling emotionally numb.

My psychologist told me that this can happen when you experience severe negative emotional states. Your mind kinda zones out to protect itself. I believe this is referred to as dissociation/derealisation.

Anyway, its still kinda freaking me out. I'm back on meds now (different type to my old meds) which don't seem to be helping much, and I guess I've become somewhat obsessed with this feeling of derealisation. Wondering will I ever be able to experience this connection/clarity again. Even when I'm on meds, although things are a bit numbed out, I don't really experience derealisation/dissociation... I'm kinda scared I will be stuck in this state of dissociation for ever... My doctors tell me not to worry, its just due to high levels of anxiety..

Can anyone relate to this ?

Thanks

[SourceShield]

Hey tpman,

I can definitely relate.

One of the first times I experienced a major depressive episode was when I was 11yrs.

The first time I attempted to kill myself.

I am now 39 years of age - I have now had many years of experiencing the dissociation that can come with the mind protecting us and itself from trauma and negative emotional states.

I now run my own company and I am hoping to complete a PhD in Creativity.

Grateful to be happier, and also more appreciative than ever of the way my life is now.

Stay connected with all the professional help, the Drs etc, and trust that as you begin to learn how to worry less, the anxiety will naturally fade as well.

I was on meds for years, but I am no longer on any meds - I rehauled my diet in a major way, and this has really helped me...food is medicine, and we are what we eat!

My life is better without them, but life is a personal journey and you must find what works for you.

All the best man, get back to us, and stay in touch.

Source.

[Rocklee123]

Hi tpman,

First I feel really sorry for your situation. I wish you to get well soon.

My case is not as strong as yours, but I had that feeling of is this how my life would be??

I am a bachelor student so the fee are high and I work during night times and in some places. I really dont know if it is because of the less sleep due to night work or some other reasons, I dont feel so good during all day.

I cant even leave the job because I wont be able to get money from other places. And the job I do is so unrelated to what I study which depresses me further more and I feel like for what I am studying and for what reasons.

Maybe I am at the beginning phase of derealisation, some times when I am tired i forget what I am currently doing and want to act crazy and dont want to accept what reality is, what I am seeing right now.

Also I have got very very few friends and very bad at social media I feel even more lonely and more anxiety kicks me. Also I am living with my cousin here whom I rarely get chance to spend some home time due to her work and university. This makes me even more derealized, makes me forget who I am right now and act crazy like sing random and dance crazy. After doing that i ask to myself why i am doing this? Am I going to become mad is this symptoms of becoming mad or am I sick with disease which I am not sure what the cure is.

this feeling is starting to grow stronger now. Even when I am in class in home with cousin i start to feel like being alone and worthless and it makes me nervous urges me to so anything just to do anything and I cant decide and it hurts my brain.

Sorry for my improper english. Maybe this helped you feel a little good that you are not alone havibg trouble. We have to be strong and deal with it.

Regards

Rocky.

[Underwood]

Hey tpman, derealisation is such a scary thing to go through. I hope your medication kicks in soon so it goes away. I had depersonalisation for months non-stop when I was first diagnosed and prior to going on medication. It was such a scary feeling and unlike anything I'd experienced before. It did get better for me around 4 months of starting medication. I have been on and off medication for the past 8 years but I find I function better when I'm on them.

I still get the odd day where I get that same feeling but it passes and it's not constant like it was at the beginning. Given that you have just been through a stressful period I'm guessing your mind and body needs some rest which is why you have it constantly. Some things I did were to try my best to fight it and continue life - the more I stayed indoors and not doing normal things the worse it got, also grounding techniques like walking barefoot on the grass and even mindfulness like what can I see, smell, touch?

It will get better eventually and I hope it passes for you soon.