continuing my struggle

[HelenM]

I've not been on BB because although I know people are more than willing to help there comes a time when there's no advice other than to hang in there. However I know everyone cares.

My symptoms are so unpredictable; this whole depression, it came in January has confused and frightened me and all I can do is plod on hoping that things will sort or improve

[White_Rose]

Hello Helen

How are you going? I wanted to check in with you today.  You have been on my mind.

I hope your good days are lasting. My GP upped my ADs a week or so ago and I am feeling much better. Not pleased at taking more medication but I am resigning myself to the necessity. It's better than the alternative of being miserable.

I hope you are able to post here .

Mary

[geoff]

dear Helen, I'm here in the background, so please ever think that I'm not interested, because I always am.

Can I tell you something that happened with me last week, and I know that it always there, but I was driving down the local road where I passed a park with plenty of facilities, bbq's, children playgrounds and tennis courts, but a car was parked there there the same colour as mine, which is blue, and it suddenly took me back from years ago, and for some reason I felt this strong feeling of depression hitting me, so I could quite have easily accepted it which would have put me back into depression.

Why did this happen, because it reminded me of the days we used to take the boys and their friends down there for lunch and to play on the equipment.

I could have opened my arms and welcomed it back, why, because if I had been feeling mediocre it would have tempting, but I knew that I wasn't going down that path again without even blinking, but no, there was no way, and by overcoming depression it has given me the strength to do this, and what I had to do was change my train of thought and think of something else.

I can totally understand that if you haven't got to this point in your life, it can and will happen, it's just a learning experience.

It's always good to visit the site either well or not, and if you're not feeling good then it's much more important, let's put it down as being a refresher course.

Hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x

[HelenM]

Dear White Rose and Geoff,

Thank you both for your posts. Getting a post even if it's just hello is so welcoming. I think you said that one time Geoff - if you're not well enough to help you can always tell the person that you're thinking of them.

Although it's bumpy my mood has been pretty good lately. If I overdo it my mood struggles and I become quite tearful - Friday and yesterday were like that but today I'm fairly good.

Tomorrow I go for an assessment as the psychological services. All being well they'll refer me for a course on Mindfulness. I'm really keen to try this as I think it will help even if just a little bit.

Taking meds for depression White Rose is no different to taking meds for high blood pressure or insulin for diabetes. I'm glad you are taking them and they're helping your mood. And by the way I  very much liked your joke.

Yes Geoff, when I'm reminded of good times from the past I can get quite upset. I am getting better at coping with it though. Becoming well is a very long journey. If I'd known 13 years ago all the effort involved I wouldn't have thought it was possible. I think we find the strength needed as we go along and many of us do get enough breaks to get our 'emotional breath' back.

Helen x

[White_Rose]

Hello Helen

Glad your mood has improved a little. How did your assessment go? I hope your mindfulness course was approved. I agree with you about the journey. I would never have thought I would find the strength or courage to get this far and there are days when I really wonder where it all came from. What I find really hard is the thought that it will be a lifetime battle and I'm not sure if my strength will hold out.

The increased ADs had an amazing effect on me after about four days. I felt so much lighter, head felt clearer, I could think more coherently and best of all my anxiety about 'things' went away. It was heaven for a couple of weeks.

Then back to earth. Parted company with my psych as we differed over his notion of confidentiality. However the loss of his, hitherto great, guidance and mentoring has been a huge blow.  I am having great difficulty coping and that surprises me. I expected to miss him because I feel we got on well, but this feeling of loss has really hit me hard.  The past three days have been very stressful and distressing. I really would like to go back but my absolute trust has gone so there is really no point.

Took my sleeping pill about half an hour ago. It's one quarter of an anti-histamine tablet and it really gives me a good night's sleep. I had stopped taking it for a long while but I think taking it now reflects how my mind is churned up.

Mary

[HelenM]

Hello all,                                       Hi Mary, I'm sorry about your psyc. I've read that loss is a big part of depression and I think it is. I really hope you pick up soon. I take sleeping tabs on and off and I think for a lot of us they're a natural standby. I don't know how long you've been fighting this illness. For me it started as depression and some anxiety. Now it's anxiety and some depression.

I have been referred for the mindfulness course though she said it would be late Spring. I live in Scotland and in Britain mental health is the Cinderella of the NHS. Having said that I would say I've been given a lot of good treatment over the years.

My mood went wrong again some days ago. Why? No reason. I find I'm unwisely comparing my mood with other times. It's not good and serves no useful purpose. It can actually detract from good times. As this episode carries on I think I'm doing it more. On Friday night I went with my husband to a concert in Glasgow and we stayed in a hotel for the night. On the one hand I had a really good time yet also I felt out of my comfort zone. And so I analyse this and I don't want to.

Last night (Saturday) I got a message from a friend of many years. She emigrated to Canada years ago. She's in Scotland and wants to pop in to see me and another mutual friend. My other friend can't have her there so she's coming here. This morning I woke up in a panic. I know I can do it but dread it. Should I be so very uptight? Is that within the realms of normal anxiety? And so I'm anxious about my anxiety. Bill is making soup. I will tidy up. We are very untidy. I know it'll be okay. Given this episode refuses to go at the moment I think I need to adjust my thinking into 'this is how I'll live until such time' Normally I hold off life knowing that within 2 or 3 months I'll be back on track.

Can people say. Should I learn to live as things are and accept it'll go up and down? The answer must be yes I think.

Anyway thanks for everyone reading and I'd love some ideas and actually I feel the need for comfort.

Helen x