Managing social anxiety during the festive season

[enlighten]

Hello. I have social anxiety and avoidant personality disorder. Now coming into the silly season, my family and I are being invited to social functions. Still living at home, I feel obligated to go to these but the thought of attending makes me feel like crying, head ache, chest constrict, and extremely stressed about the event well in advance of its date, with these symptoms interfering with my everyday life.

The key contributor to this anxiety is my fear of people who are under the influence of alcohol, which often is evident in functions such as these. I don't trust these people and, as a self-professed 'control freak', feel very uncomfortable with their propensity to act in a random, irrational and sometimes aggressive or intimidating manner. I feel awkward in discussing this fear as I am in my mid 20s, and I understand that a number (though not all) of my peers do not have drink or have a problem with being in settings in which others are drinking.

I know I need to tackle my social anxiety but I really do not want to deal with this particular issue as I feel that it is a very real and rational one for me. I plucked up the courage to raise it once with a psychologist right at the end of a session, but they didn't respond to it as I suppose we had run out of time (I have since stopped seeing them, as they weren't the right 'fit' for me, and am not currently seeing anyone). My family is of the 'just snap out of it' perspective when it comes to my anxiety, and so I don't feel comfortable discussing this issue with them.

Earlier this year, I managed going to a family member's 40th birthday party and a wedding. I left these events at around 9pm, a time I thought the effects of alcohol would begin to take effect on people. The stories from attendees about people who got drunk at these events (which they found humour, as I suspect a lot of the Australian population would) were really disconcerting, and added 'evidence' towards my fears. I would rather just avoid these events – but I feel an extreme sense of guilt and obligation, especially coming from a close-knit family. My brother's 21st birthday is coming up; in February – but I am already feeling very anxious as he begins to make arrangements for a big party. I know I have to attend this, and it is unlikely that I will be able to leave as early as I have done in the past.

[white knight]

Hi enlighten, welcome to Beyond Blue forums

There are a few options. There is total avoidance of gatherings or total attendance....the best option is somewhere in between.

To avoid going will attract pressure from family and it will take the shine off the person of interest eg brother that's having the birthday. Which is unfair on that person.

To say you will attend will not cause concern. People attending birthday parties dont get drunk until much later in the evening. So you slip away before then. In a sense you have to draw on some cunningness to obtain your objective. I've done this for over 40 years. When in the RAAF in 1973-1976 I became a master at it. All because of people's aggression under the influence of alcohol.

You have a mental illness condition/s and therefore many wont understand and wont try to. Accept that. Confide only in the kindest of friends, be illusive and seek the balance that places you in a comfortable position that doesnt attract attention.

Take care.    Tony WK

[Neil_1]

Hi there Enlighten

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post.

I’m gathering that you yourself are a non-drinker – and when you say that some of your peers do not have a drink or have a problem with being in settings where people are drinking – this is just reflectance on them being most likely people who don’t have any mental health issues.  Which means that they are ok to be in such places.

But for you, this is a very difficult and troubling issue for you.  I do like your previous options where you left around 9pm – which to me sounds fine.  You attended and stayed for a few hours (I guess though, that depended on when the event commenced);   but either way, I would think 9pm is no problem to leave;  you were seen at the event and if you need an excuse or whatever, then just say that you aren’t feeling well and that you need to leave.  I possibly shouldn’t have given that example as telling a little lie – but then again, I would suggest that you may not be feeling overly well anyway and so you’d be more than justified in heading off.

With Christmas coming up, it’s always a difficult time of year for so many of us – perhaps raise this with your psyche at a much earlier opportunity next time so that they can give you some useful advice.

With regard to your bro’s 21st party – that again will be family and no doubt friends – but the onus for this particular party will be fully on him and so hopefully you can just lurk in the background out of spotlight.

But as there’s plenty of time before this is to happen, I think we’ll have a number of different posters coming here and giving their thoughts on advice for you as well.

Neil