Constant battle with myself...

[Amali]

I have been battling anxiety for a few years now, I have just finished my last session with my counsellor.

My anxiety got worse when I was having problems with my relationship. My now ex boyfriend lost his mother 18 months ago. He didn't deal with his grief and took it out on me. He seemed to completely change as a person, was angry all the time, shut me out, became secretive and treated me with disrespect. It was a case where I kept going back to him because I loved him but I just kept getting hurt. I was very confused as to whether he was just "going through a tough time" or whether their were other issues with our relationship.I decided enough was enough and ended the relationship.

Since then my ex boyfriend has been trying to get me back. He received help and realised his mistakes and how he was taking things out on me. I was very hesitant to see him, but after 8months since everything fell apart, I decided to meet up with him and let him explain himself. He seems to be on his way back to his old self and I really miss him and want back what we lost.

Now I feel like I'm at a constant battle with myself. Half of me wanting him back and the other half too scared of being hurt again and spiralling emotionally out of control. My friends wouldn't support me going back to him and I think If one of my friends was treated as badly as I was, I would be advising them not to go back either.

Anyway just thought someone may have some thoughts on this or have been in a similar situation.

Any comments would be helpful

Thanks

TD

[Mbuna]

TD

Its a tough one. I do know that depression can create a lot of anger. When we get the depression under control the anger tends to subside and there can be a lot of guilt and reflection. It was that way for me. Maybe he is feeling guilty. I also understand the need to stay away from situations that trigger anxiety.  It does not sound like there was any physical abuse in your relationship. If there was I would advise you stay away. Even if there was not physical problems its still a big step to take. I find that it helps not to build things up. If you do decide to get back into a relationship with him, take things slowly. Go into it with your eyes open. I find things work better for me if I hope for the best but expect the worst.

[Amali]

Thanks Mbuna. 

No, there was never any physical abuse and I am not concerned in the slightest that he would ever harm me in that way. It was, I guess, emotional abuse but I believe it was triggered by his own insecurities and not being able to cope with the loss of his mum. I know that the death of his mother is no excuse for poor treatment, and he knows that as well.

I had a gut feeling that things weren't right and there were red flags that made me decide to never go back. But now after talking to him I can see his side more clearly and realised it wasn't his normal behaviour. But I would feel like others would see me as 'weak' if I went back to him, after having the strength to walk away. 

I am an 'overthinker' and my thoughts often get out of control. I get so exhausted trying to figure out whether I'm doing the best thing. I've never felt so unsure of myself and my obsessive thoughts stop me from just living in the moment and getting on with other things in my life.

[Di_T]

Hi TD, I am an overthinker too and can relate to that aspect of your tale. This might be a bit late but I think if you did try and get back to him you do need to take things slowly as Mbuna says. Date, see where you are both at. It may not look 'weak' if you returned to him, I can understand why your friends or family could be concerned as I presume they were aware of his behaviour, may have even witnessed it? While on the one hand you should not care what others think if you feel it is right for you, It can be very hard for them to see someone they love re-enter a situation they see negatively and it could effect your relationship with him too.

You say you had inklings things weren't right outside of his mother's passing so have these things been resolved? Deep in your gut how do you feel? Perhaps have some relationship counselling together to see if you are on the same page and to sort out past hurts, otherwise they will fester - no matter how much you love each other. I have seen it happen too many times.

I wish you well.

[Amali]

Hi Di T,

Thanks for your post, this is a delayed response but I wasn't expecting another reply on this thread and only checked it today.

My gut tells me more and more that this relationship is worth fighting for and at this point we are communicating very well with each other even though it is painful when we bring up what happened in the past. 

I havent been able to tell all my friends that we are dating again, I just can't bare to see their faces and hear their thoughts on the matter.

What I do know is that I have to do what is right for me, and it feels right now. I won't say that I don't have those niggling feelings that something could go wrong again and I hope that I can finally move past the negatives and look to a happy future together.

Yes, I do think there were issues other than his mothers passing but the difference is now we talk about those things openly and I feel he is very honest this time, which helps us build trust again.

He is still seeing a counsellor (I can see the changes in him due to this), and she even suggested the possibility of having relationship counselling which is something I guess we could consider.

Thanks again for this post, getting an outside perspective is always helpful.

T.