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Constant anxiety, fear of failure and fear of rejection
I am 32 years old, have full time employment, somewhere to live and some friends and family.
A few years ago I lost my job. The manager stated I had attitude problems, was disrespectful and more. It was a shitshow. Even today I fear any feedback from my work despite the fact I am at a new company for over a year. It’s to the point I cry during every supervision. I mean I bawl.
I have a supervision session again this week and am terrified. My team leader is lovely however I have trouble expressing myself and become overwhelmed easily.
my brain never stops running with negativity and self hatred and the occasional thoughts of self harm. It’s not like I want to die or hurt myself, I just want my thoughts to stop.
I feel like I can’t say anything out loud because people have it worse however I am struggling
putting things out there in writing will help
I hope that
It sounds like you have trauma associated with losing your job in the past, which is understandable. Unemployment can be very traumatic. It's financially distressing, as well as the emotional toll it takes on you. This is most likely whats causing your anxiety, the fear of losing your job again. The anxiety then causes your mind to race ahead to consider all future situations, which will probably never happen anyway.
I know it sounds like a cliche, but take one day at a time. There are 2 days we can't control. Yesterday and tomorrow. And when you get to the end of the day without any probleme, give yourself a pat on the back.
I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with your thoughts and emotions. It sounds like the experience of losing your job a few years ago has had a significant impact on your mental health and self-esteem. It's understandable that you're feeling anxious about your upcoming supervision session and are having trouble expressing yourself.
First of all, it's important to acknowledge that what you're going through is valid and real, regardless of whether or not other people may have it worse. Everyone's struggles are unique, and it's important to give yourself permission to acknowledge and validate your own feelings and experiences.
It's good to hear that you have a supportive team leader, but it may also be helpful to consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor. A mental health professional can help you work through your negative thoughts and emotions and provide you with tools and strategies to cope with your anxiety and self-harm thoughts.
Additionally, practicing self-care and self-compassion can be helpful. This can include taking time for yourself to do things that you enjoy and make you feel good, such as exercise, reading, or spending time with loved ones. It can also involve practicing self-compassion by speaking kindly to yourself and recognizing that you are doing the best you can.
Remember, seeking help and support is a sign of strength, not weakness. You deserve to feel happy and fulfilled in your life, and there is no shame in asking for help to achieve that.
I want to echo what the others here have said - whether others have it worse or not is neither here nor there. You're life is your life and with it comes the experience of living it. Never compare yourself to others when it comes to anything! Let alone what we suffer as individuals. Such forms of thought are nothing other than toxic.
In terms of work - I remember reading that there are now more jobs available than people looking. Not that this is designed to be a piece of advice for you of course! If you have been at this company for over a year than this is a great sign I think!
On that note, I remember having had people tell me that I have a very sporadic work history, but funnily enough I have now landed a role in my industry in at the age of 29. All those naysayers would be scratching their heads. I had a chat to a colleague the other day and said that my work history has been very non linear. The reason I'm bringing this up is not to big note myself, but to say that I can see where the anxiety is coming from - it is ultimately work related. Not too long ago I was posting on this very forum (about 5 years back) about how I was struggling in the work area. I guess my point in raising this is to say that your concerns/anxieties are perfectly understandable because they are nestled in the thing that provides you money in order to survive. But props to you my friend! You have been at this new role for over a year. This is great news!
Try to be a bit more compassionate to yourself !
Always here to listen and chat!