Confused and anxious about myself (Eating Disorder)

[rosemotion]

I saw in the description for this forum that it involved the discussion of eating disorders, so here I go.
I'm a 15-year-old girl from Australia, and I'm nearly certain I have an eating disorder. I definitely don't feel valid enough to have an eating disorder, when I'm compared to all the 'stereotypes' you see portrayed in the media. I'm not underweight, I'm not overweight, I don't purge, I don't binge, I wear revealing clothes, I eat because someone has offered me food. I can't seem to place myself in a 'category' of eating disorders, which makes me feel extremely invalid.
I'm a healthy weight for my height and age, although I am nearer of the underweight end, and I usually eat 3 meals a day (from pressure and supervision).
Although I do what all 'normal' people do with their eating habits, I know that if it were up to me it would be completely different, and here's why I believe I have an eating disorder.
I want to be underweight, I want my ribs and hip bones and collarbones to stick out, I want to skip my meals, I want to be fragile.
I can't look at myself in the mirror without being ashamed, I cry when I crawl into bed at night when I remember how large I appear to myself and others, it hurts to look in the mirror when I'm showering.
I keep logbooks of my weight, measurement, bodychecks.
I'm just not losing the weight that I so desperately want to.
I'm 'healthy' because no one seems to believe eating disorders are mental illnesses.
I just want to know; What am I? Where do I fit in?

This seems bad but I don't want an eating disorder to be who I am, but if it means I feel valid for once, then maybe I'm okay with it.

[Dorian_Gray]

Hi Rosemotion,

While not an expert on this, I have known someone with an eating disorder and the things you are describing fit the bill exactly. Keeping log books of measurements and feeling bad about your body like you do and wanting to eat less (even if not actually doing it yet) are all signs of this.

The fact that you have recognized these feeling before actually acting on them like you want to at the moment is a good thing, as it means you can seek out help right now before acting on it in ways that cause physical as well as mental problems. Just because you are not at the moment acting on it doesn't make the feelings associated any less real, even when eating and at a healthy weight the friend I did have with this issue still had the mental illness, it does not have to get to the point of being underweight for it to be real.

That you said you do not want an eating disorder to be who you are shows remarkable insight you actually get how it can become a persons life and want to avoid that happening - so be proud of that and by speaking out now you are on the right track to preventing that from happening.

Basic advice is talk to your parents or a trusted teacher, if you feel yo can't talk face to face (which can be hard) copy what you have written it here and put it somewhere they will find it with your name or unmistakably your hand writing. In addition try and see a GP if you can arrange it, also check out the Butterfly Foundation Site, they specialise in Body Image issues and have a hotline to talk to and help you with reference to your specific feelings and issues for being in the space you are.

And on here you will no doubt find others who will soon offer more advice too.

Take care and feel good that you've identified this issue early and have taken the best step you can by speaking out it and seeking help as soon as you did.

[Anna95]

Hi Rosemotion,

First off, I want you to know that you are not alone in the thoughts and feelings you are having. It is very common for girls, especially at your age to feel unsure about the changes you're currently going through.

It sounds like you're struggling at the moment. Something I recommend is not comparing yourself to others. All our journeys are different and just because you don't fit the stereotype it doesn't mean that you aren't struggling at the moment. Its OK to struggle to, we all do no matter how tough we seem.

My best suggestion for you at this stage is to make yourself an appointment with a GP at a local practice and talk to them about all your concerns. It's confidential and they will be able to offer you the best help at this stage. If its not an option or you don't feel comfortable - try opening up to somebody you trust... whether that be family member a friend or maybe even writing your thoughts on paper!

There are also lots of great resources available online. Try looking into online counselling or CBT worksheets you can self-direct through. In the mean time try and pick ou two positives for every negative thought you have about yourself.

I hope these things help,

Regards Anna xox