Choices. Why are they so hard?

[Missmia]

I am trying to start over - new town, new life. I need to make new friends but as a sufferer of depression and anxiety, it isn't an easy thing for me, a middle aged woman.

I went to a meeting of the local bridge club as I had learned to play basic bridge some time ago and hoped to improve and also meet some potential friends. At the very start of the first game, another player became impatient with me because he thought I was taking too long to sort my hand of cards into order. I spoke to him very calmly and said I hadn't played for a long time and, if he was going to pressure me, it would only slow things down even more. He backed off a little, but still continued to give non-verbal messages of impatience.

Although I maintained a calm appearance, I played the rest of the session (about 3 hours) very badly. His behaviour caused a huge rush of anxiety, causing me to forget the rules, overlook obvious plays, and a total lack of confidence. But outwardly I stayed calm and polite.

Afterwards I was exhausted, depressed and tearful for two days.

 In reveiwing the situation I decided not to continue with bridge. I decided I can't manage such a challenging game as well as my social anxiety. The problem is that one of the people there is keen to have a bridge partner and asked me to fill that role. She wants me to play twice a week as her partner.

The thought fills me with dread. But on the other hand, it is so sad to turn down her offer of inclusion, which means a lot to a person in my circumstances. And my refusal may offend.

 Why is life so hard?

[Paul]

Hey Missmia - Hugs

Life can be a thorough shit sometimes, especially when we feel sensitive and no bugger understands, like the guy at bridge.

Life is so hard because we have emotions and sometimes they get in the way of us tackling life with the openness and enthusiasm that challenging things need. You've probably discovered that the difficulties come and go, or that the intensity of difficulties waves up and down. That's the crappy thing about depression and anxiety, the warpy thoughts and feelings when we're not feeling well.

If being a bridge partner fills you with dread, perhaps consider not doing it until you feel ready. Another approach might be to have a chat with the lady who asked you to be her partner and explain your situation to her, she may prove to be a great new friend and help you feel more comfortable when with groups. 

If you're looking for other social activities, there's "meetup" which is groups of people coming together based on any topic you can think of. Some examples, motorcycle riders, sewing groups, yoga groups, knitters, cooking groups, spirituality groups - so many different types. Google "meetup" there's a phone app and a website.

Since you've moved to a new town have you had a chance to establish a professional support network again? A GP, Psych, counsellor etc? I wonder if that would help because having life get on top of us means we need to extend an arm and ask for help (like you've done here) and to our regular professional carers.

Stay in touch Missmia, I'd love to know what you decide about bridge.

Paul 

[Missmia]

Gosh Lats, I bet you didn't expect a reply so quickly. And thank you. The chance to be heard and to get positive feedback from someone outside my own head has been really helpful.

i am definitely not going back to bridge. One fact I didn't mention earlier is that the person in charge of the venue was also sitting at my table and made no attempt to discourage or smooth over the man's behaviour.

I had received many assurances that my rustiness would not be an issue, but these were made on behalf of, and not by, the person in charge of the venue. 

So perhaps she resented me for some reason. Maybe because my attendance had not been cleared by her? Maybe she objected to my nose-ring?

Anyway, for me that is the crucial factor. It's one thing to be monstered by a rogue member, but when the grand poobah allows it to happen under her very nose, that says to me that I was not welcome.

Yes, it would have been great otherwise. The lady who needs a partner will need to look elsewhere. I think it would be best if she found someone who meets the approval of the grand Poobah.

As you say, there are other many options to explore. And I am going to google about meetups this very day. Thank you for that tip.

i hear what you say about finding a support network.

thank you so much

Missmia